The Joke Thread

[gts1544]

Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors :

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi


2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton


3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope


4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond


5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram


6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong


7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year


8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling


9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon


10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz


11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower


12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line


13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds


14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton


15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen


16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

[Coops]

My lovely lady says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and ...... some other cr@p she was rattling on about.

Coops.

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Coops

My lovely lady says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and ...... some other cr@p she was rattling on about.

Coops.

I love that..ROFL

[Lagoon4us]

Originally Posted by Coops

My lovely lady says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and ...... some other cr@p she was rattling on about.

Coops.

Pay that one!

She say's i can only do one thing at a time, but i can watch TV and ignore here.....THAT'S TWO!

[jongleur]

A string of bunnies all jumping backward = A receding hareline.

A hundred pigs and a hundred stags = A hundred sows n' bucks

[gts1544]

Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[shorebird]

My in-laws had a photo of a sign they saw while traveling in Mexico. I think it was a currency exchange.
"$exchange"

[Sailor g]

Hilarious!! Can't believe all the signs! Love them. Thanks!

[gts1544]

So many puns...
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra and orders a martini.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington - obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[D&D]

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS





Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead. '

There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?

[Rhapsody-NS27]

You know, if 'con' is the opposite of 'pro'. Then what is the opposite of 'progress'?

[carstenb]

If a (con)stitution is great, why do so many think (pro)stitution is so bad?

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by carstenb

If a (con)stitution is great, why do so many think (pro)stitution is so bad?

Funny! I see prostitution on the TV, magazines and billboards everyday. It's the norm in advertising.



And where's the boat?

[jongleur]

I think I seen those red shoes... Sperry Topsider high heels with non-skid soles.

[BigJohn]

now this is a hard sell ...



boats n hoesss