The Joke Thread

[Sailor g]

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

They were marooned

[S/V Antares]

Lorena Bobbit's Sister found her husband cheating on her and tried the same thing (Cutting "it"off) but missed.

The police charged her with a "Mis da winer"

(Groan)

[Coops]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed..

Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?
The bank manager looks back
at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."

Coops.

[Sailor g]

Cute! Love the green And none of us blink an eye about Mick Jagger having sex with a frog!

Ribbit Ribbit Ribbit

[lookoutnw]

Great story, and Mick probably tried a few times

[D&D]

A few thoughts about men...?

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it it, he will...there's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

My sex life is like a Ferrari...I don't have a Ferrari.

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is...he's going to be real p----d when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.

Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.

My mother-in-law's coming to visit...I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

NASA's robot Curiousity landed on Mars. Early images show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn...which makes it very clear that men do not come from Mars.

I once won an argument with a woman...in a dream I had.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

I want one of those jobs where people ask "Do you actually get paid to do this?"

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join us?"...never give any names.

It's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment...and she thinks it's a punishment.

Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

Whenever someone asks "You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?"...I like to reply "Do you watch porn?"

Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.

Judging by the fry pan that just flew past my head, I did something wrong...and I can't wait to find out what it was.

[gts1544]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do...

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by gts1544

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

This is my favorite since I happen to be taking college classes.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by gts1544

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Hilarious!! Love them. Thanks!!

[Normanby]

Steven Wright also claimed to be a "peripheral visionary"

He could see into the future, but only way off to the side...

[Coops]

I just find this amusing.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by Coops

I just find this amusing.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones. [VIDEO]

Coops.

"Out of Time" is a classic!
They need to slow down the action in the background of the clip though. Bit much when when I am still half asleep LOL

[bnowlin48]

The PAST, the PRESENT, and the FUTURE were in a bar. It was TENSE! ;-)

[Don1500]

Originally Posted by Coops

I just find this amusing.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones.

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones. [VIDEO]

Coops.

Laurel was a "hoofer" on the London stage before coming to the US.

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by gts1544

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?

Einstein asked the same question (when living in my town no less :-) and his answer was, after a lot of thinking: "Yes".

To bad it wasn't good enough for a Nobel Prize...