The Joke Thread

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by Dsanduril

No place else to put this, really enjoyed my CF greeting today:

Attachment 55781

I really enjoy the "Free and Easy" juxtaposition.

I just let out a big sigh, and was filled with wishfullness....

[Coops]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION



A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.




He had no arms and no legs.




Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.




The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"




The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.




The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"




The man said, "No," so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.




The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ye ever been f****d laddie?"




The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".




She said, "Aye, well ye will be when the tide comes in."
__________________

Coops.

[D&D]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at Johnny with concern as he was a bit on the rough side. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you Sister, if
Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

[Coops]

I know that there have been quite a few of these, but this one has some new twists so will post it anyway.

The World Economy Explained in Simple Terms


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money ....

Coops.

[Coops]

Golf course roll-over
One day I accidentally overturned my Golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, where we were living at in The Vines, heard the noise and called out,

"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

(She was very pretty and persuasive.)

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

Coops.

[Sailor g]

Coops, you are so bad!

[D&D]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde approached them.

She asked the trio if she could join them. Naturally, the guys all
agreed. "Thanks fellas. By the way, I dance in a topless bar so not
much shocks me. If you want to smoke, drink, bet, swear, tell off
color jokes or do anything that you normally do when playing a round
together, go ahead. But listen, I consider myself a decent player, so
please don 't try to coach me."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards
down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father 's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it,
and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out a wedge and lofted the ball within five feet of the
hole.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak since I 've left a
tricky little putt." She then sunk the five-footer for a birdie.


Having the honours, her drive landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in
the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par,
and had a nasty 12-foot putt for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all
for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to
use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I 'd
really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me
how to make par on this hole I 'll take him back to my apartment, pour
some 35-year-old Scotch, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a
good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a
plumb. "Don 't listen to the kid, darlin ', you want to hit it softly
10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback,
so it falls into the cup."


The gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde 's ball, picked
it up and handed it to her and said, "That 's a GIMME sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

[Finistere]

Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?" The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?" I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Coops]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.
_________________

Coops.

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Coops

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

Edited


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.
_________________

Coops.

Anyone that has ever given a cat a pill, (once healed and a sufficient amount of time has passed) will pee them self laughing at this. I did.

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Finistere

Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?" The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?" I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

This probably happened see "people of walmart dot com" it's terrifying and hilarious.

[delmarrey]

Why is it after pushing "1" I still can't understand the person on the other end. And I thought the drive thru's were bad. It's a good thing they have numbers.

[Cormorant]

One way to get a cat to take a pill is to put it in a bowl of tuna fish. Worked every time. We called it "Clavamox Surprise."

[zeehag]

coops's cat pill joke isnt a joke....with a 16 pound cat..is no joke....only place i didnt look for bubba was masthead--he would have gone there had there been less paint on the mast.....i no longer give pills to the boy.....he is way too rough with me.
yes i died laughing--good thing i am a leo with more than one life remaining...

[senormechanico]

The pill thing is true, but if you have to administer several over a couple of weeks like we recently had to, here's a tip which worked (at least for us).

It takes two people. With the cat upside down on your lap, firmly hold all four paws. The other person opens the jaws and sticks the pill down and clamps the mouth shut. Stroking the throat makes them swallow. Immediately after this, let the cat go and give them several of their favorite kitty treats.

After a couple of days of this, they don't fight you (much).

Steve