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Old 20-02-2013, 03:06   #1951
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Re: The Joke Thread

Picture an Aussie country pub, middle of the day, so quite full. In walks a bloke with a crocodile on a lead. He orders a beer, then the nearest bloke asks him what the deal is with the croc. He says "This is a trained croc, and for fifty dollars I will show you his party trick, which is to hold my full set of family jewels in it's mouth until I order it to open it's jaws". They all think about this, have a whip round, give him the fifty and tell him to go for it.

The bloke whips down his pants, kneels down, flicks the croc on the nose. It opens it's huge jaws and he places his treasured possessions on it's bottom jaw and closes it's mouth. Every guy in the place shudders, much squirming and eventually they say "OK mate, that's enough" The bloke takes a bottle of beer and smashes it on the crocs head, the jaws open, and he recovers his jewels and pulls his pants up. All agree that it is the most amazing thing that they have ever seen. He says, "OK, I took your money, so I have to give you all the chance to win it back. Anyone want to have a go?"

Silence, eyes look away, no one says anything, until, the voice of a little old lady at the back says." I'll give it a go, but don't hit me on the head with the bottle"

Coops.
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Old 20-02-2013, 05:32   #1952
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Re: The Joke Thread

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.





To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


T1 Terry
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Old 20-02-2013, 16:19   #1953
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Re: The Joke Thread

So a guy walks up to a girl sitting at a desk in the university library and asks "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
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Old 20-02-2013, 18:46   #1954
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Re: The Joke Thread

This one's real!
If you've ever had a language barrier..............

I'm driving home with my Filipina wife and I we're having a discussion. The subject of morals/religion came up, and I asked her 'How do you know the difference between right and wrong?'

She says "Spelling" I couldn't help myself.
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Old 21-02-2013, 14:59   #1955
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4,STAY OUT OF THE WATER
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE,AND TEE OFF
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Old 21-02-2013, 15:11   #1956
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Re: The Joke Thread

Forgot one......

11. Please refill ball-washer with fresh water when done.
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Old 21-02-2013, 15:32   #1957
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by micah719 View Post
Forgot one......

11. Please refill ball-washer with fresh water when done.
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Old 26-02-2013, 13:08   #1958
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Re: The Joke Thread

No place else to put this, really enjoyed my CF greeting today:

Click image for larger version

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ID:	55781

I really enjoy the "Free and Easy" juxtaposition.
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Old 26-02-2013, 13:49   #1959
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Re: The Joke Thread

Fenders out and reduced sail; she must be coming alongside. Prepare for customs and excise contraband inspection!
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Old 26-02-2013, 17:10   #1960
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I' m especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the 200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers 20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Pssssssssssss t,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
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Old 26-02-2013, 22:08   #1961
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Joke of the day

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian, by coincidence, all booked a one week vacation on a 44' Lagoon catamaran called "Harmony", owned and operated by an atheist captain...
The week went by and everyone did there thing in regards to there respective religion, they also all went snorkeling together, shared meals together, visited different islands, etc... by the end of the week they had all become best friends and agreed to do it again the next year!....

You probably figured by now that it's not a joke... It's just me, dreaming of a better world..... :-)

Good night!
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Old 27-02-2013, 01:11   #1962
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Re: The Joke Thread

You know you're a seriously bad sailor when you are mentioned by name in "Notices to Mariners"
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Old 27-02-2013, 05:23   #1963
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Joke of the day

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian, by coincidence, all booked a one week vacation on a 44' Lagoon catamaran called "Harmony", owned and operated by an atheist captain...
The week went by and everyone did there thing in regards to there respective religion, they also all went snorkeling together, shared meals together, visited different islands, etc... by the end of the week they had all become best friends and agreed to do it again the next year!....

You probably figured by now that it's not a joke... It's just me, dreaming of a better world..... :-)

Good night!
Sounds like Trinidad to me.
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Old 27-02-2013, 08:26   #1964
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Re: The Joke Thread

Humor for Lexophiles
A friend sent this to me and it was worth it to pass it on to you. If you don't laugh, at least you'll have new insight into my character.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!
9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
10. The dead batteries were given out, free of charge.
11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blownapart.
18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
19. A calendar's days are numbered.
20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Old 27-02-2013, 14:19   #1965
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when, suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied: "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"




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