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Old 17-02-2013, 13:59   #1936
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lagoon4us View Post
We'll do the Lithium run!!!
ROFL
Are you under the impression I am running short of medication?

And what on earth is the Goat's Head?
If it is anything like Trogir maybe it is not really worth visiting?
(Sorry for the thread drift folks, My curiosity is getting the better of me ).
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Old 17-02-2013, 14:01   #1937
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Re: The Joke Thread

A mate lived at Crete in the 80's, he gave me a pencil sketch of Goat's Head beach, haven't you been there yet?
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Old 17-02-2013, 14:04   #1938
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Lagoon4us View Post
A mate lived at Crete in the 80's, he gave me a pencil sketch of Goat's Head beach, haven't you been there yet?
Is it like Trogir?
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Old 17-02-2013, 14:05   #1939
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Re: The Joke Thread

No not at all, you should check it out.
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Old 17-02-2013, 20:30   #1940
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lagoon4us View Post
A mate lived at Crete in the 80's, he gave me a pencil sketch of Goat's Head beach, haven't you been there yet?
Come on guys, there's a PM button for this talk.
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Old 17-02-2013, 22:33   #1941
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Re: The Joke Thread

It wasn't a thread drift, Seaworthy finally asked by PM 'Where is Goat's Head'? the answer was '3 feet from his arse'........

So the question is "Have you been to Goats Head"?

It just took a while
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Old 18-02-2013, 00:17   #1942
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy walks into a bar in northern alaska. 4 other guys sitting at a table playing poker.

1st guy says "barkeep, I'm from Texas, buy my new friends over there drink"

Nobody looks up, barkeep doesn't move.

1st guy says again, this time louder, "barkeep, I' m from Texas, buy my new friends over there drink".

This repeats several more times, finally one of the poker players looks up and saya,
"fella, nobody in alaska is your friend until you've proven yourself to be a man"

The txan says, "Hell, I'm from Texas and we're men down there, what all I gotta do to prove it up here?"

"First you gotta drink a half gallon of whiskey, then rassle a polar bear and finally you gotta screw an eskimo woman".

"Hell, no problem," says the texan, "barkeep, half gallon of Jack".

He downs the Jack a,d wobbles out the door. A couple hours later he comes back in. But he is bloody all over, clothes are torn, his ear is hanging half off. He looks like he got run over by a freight train-several times.

"ok,"he says,"that the goddamn bear, now where this eskimo lady I gotta rassle?"
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Old 18-02-2013, 04:20   #1943
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We where sitting at a bar, talking, then he said "catamarans are crap!".....


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Old 18-02-2013, 18:53   #1944
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Re: The Joke Thread

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16.. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then I wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Have I posted this before?
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Old 18-02-2013, 21:03   #1945
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Re: The Joke Thread

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
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Old 19-02-2013, 17:34   #1946
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Re: The Joke Thread

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Old 19-02-2013, 17:48   #1947
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Re: The Joke Thread

Old Lester is enjoying a few pints at the local watering hole when he decides he's had a few to many, so he departs. He falls right off the bar stool. He tries to get on his feet, but just keeps falling down, so he finally resigns himself to his drunken state, and drags himself out of the bar, down the street, and finally home, where he passes out. He awakens the next morning with his wife standing over him, a telephone in hand.
"you was out gettin' drunk again, was't you Lester?" she says
"Me?" says Lester, "why whatever do you mean?"
"Oh don't gimme that Lester," she says, "its the pub on the phone, youv'e gone and forgotten your wheelchair there again."
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Old 19-02-2013, 18:07   #1948
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Re: The Joke Thread

BAPTIST COWBOY


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.


The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."


The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.


The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.



One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."



The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."


"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Old 20-02-2013, 02:16   #1949
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Re: The Joke Thread

Guy in Texas walks into a crowed bar, pulls out his pistol and yells, "Ok, which one of you is the dirty dog that's been f*cking my wife?"

Total silence, finally a voice from the back calls out "Don't think you brought enough ammo."


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Old 20-02-2013, 02:43   #1950
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Re: The Joke Thread

Probably will get in trouble... but to share with my Australian friends.


Fosters to the rescue


"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's
been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her vagina has completely
closed up!!!” Can you help?

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!" Thanks mate!!"
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