The Joke Thread

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I have trouble sleeping ...

I don't know if you drew the cartoon yourself, Gord, or found it online, but that is hilarious! I know this thread should justly be re-titled the "mmckee1952 Joke Thread," but your cartoon hit me harder in the funny bone than anything else I've read to date.

Thank you for a major laughter-induced release of endorphins!

TaoJones

[seacap]

What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A. A nervous wreck

[mmckee1952]

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

[mmckee1952]

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
[cid:5FCB4663CBF944B1AF3D63CB45F07C11@toshibauser1]
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[mmckee1952]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.



"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."



The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;



likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.



The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?



"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."



"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[mmckee1952]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.



She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[seacap]

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

sombodys gonna lose a trailer!

[AKCoastie]

My wife and I were driving through the Rockies to visit some friends one day. A group of Hells Angels came up behind us. They were apparently pissed because I wouldn't let them pass. They started to get pretty angry, riding up next to the car, throwing what ever was handy at it, and screaming for us to pull over. I didn't know what else to do so I pulled over. They jerked me out of the car and drew a circle in the sand behind it. The biggest, meanest guy there told me that he would gut me alive if I stepped out of the circle. Then the gang commenced to trashing my car. They cut the tires and trashed the paint, thoroughly scaring the hell out of my wife. After they finished they smugly turned around to see my reaction. They were very surprised to see me laughing very hard.

Determined to pay me back for whatever grievance I caused them, they jerked my shaking wife out of the car. They dowsed the inside of the car with some leftover whiskey and lit it on fire. They cheered as the tires popped and the gas tank exploded. As they turned around to enjoy my anguish, they were astounded to see me laughing my ass off.

"That's it," the leader said. "I don't know what kind of crazy f*&k you are but we'll fix you!" They dragged my wife to the back of the car and with the slice of a blade they ended her sweet life. Turning around to look at me, hoping to catch me crying in grief, they were horrified to find me on the ground cackling with laughter, tears streaming down my face.

The leader ran up to me and jerked me up by my collar. He screamed through yellow stained teeth "what the hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy? We just trashed your car and killed your old lady right in front of you and all you can do is laugh? What the f&*k is your deal!"

Catching my breath the best I could between fits of laughter I replied "While you guys were doing all of that I stepped out the circle THREE times!"

[mmckee1952]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[jkd]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes tobe with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

[mmckee1952]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

[mmckee1952]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.



They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.



The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'



The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,

smiles and says,



'Fill it with water.'

[mmckee1952]

TRIP TO WAL-MART

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked would I end up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

[sailorboy1]

The Wal-Mart shoppers in the line probably were trying to figure out what sniffing a dogs ass had to do with the Purina.

[mmckee1952]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked
him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody,
any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on
the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .
.. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I finished school
and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'