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Old 26-01-2013, 04:09   #1876
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This guy really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his member. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his member, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the member around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'

The other little old lady asked, ‘What do you mean by that?'

The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. 'Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
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Old 26-01-2013, 09:15   #1877
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Re: The Joke Thread

POLYTICKS

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you part of the milk.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and sells you the milk.

Nazism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, then pours the milk down the drain.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.

Democracy:
Everyone has two cows, then a vote is taken and what ever the majority decides to do, you do!
Unless it's vetoed or is affirmative action.

Republic:
Everyone has two cows. You vote for the government you want, and they tell you what to do with the cows.

And that's no bull!
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Old 29-01-2013, 04:25   #1878
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Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
POLYTICKS

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you part of the milk.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and sells you the milk.

Nazism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, then pours the milk down the drain.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.

Democracy:
Everyone has two cows, then a vote is taken and what ever the majority decides to do, you do!
Unless it's vetoed or is affirmative action.

Republic:
Everyone has two cows. You vote for the government you want, and they tell you what to do with the cows.

And that's no bull!
Free Trade - You have two cows. The government buys one and sells you a bull - pays Gentec $1 billion dollars to engineer better cows cuz high tech is the future, not farming. The government trades your cows to China for their milk and pays you $12,000 a month to pour your milk down the drain. Gives Merck 1 billion dollars to develop a drug to cure mad cow disease which everyone has mysteriously contracted. Your senator and his entourage spend $300k to go to Hawaii on a fact finding mission with Merck to discuss how to solve the rising cost of medical care. Your Congressman goes to the Bahamas with his entourage at a cost of $300k to celebrate creating 5 high paying jobs in genetic engineering. Oh... And we station the 7th fleet off Taiwan to protect the milk/cow shipping lanes at a cost of $30 billion a year.
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Old 29-01-2013, 14:46   #1879
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 29-01-2013, 15:14   #1880
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Re: The Joke Thread

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .. .. It's women who make it hard !!
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Old 29-01-2013, 15:25   #1881
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .. .. It's women who make it hard !!
I so pay this one, at risk of imminent death!!!
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Old 29-01-2013, 18:01   #1882
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Re: The Joke Thread

Who's on First? The sequel.

Always enjoyed the original, but this is well done as well.

"Who's On First?", the sequel. [VIDEO]

Coops.
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Old 29-01-2013, 20:38   #1883
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thanks Coops...
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Old 30-01-2013, 15:44   #1884
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Re: The Joke Thread

Cletus& Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of
an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing,
Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and
the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
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Old 30-01-2013, 19:38   #1885
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Re: The Joke Thread

Aye! an Billy Bob once ad a cute ear'ing, now e's deff.
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Old 31-01-2013, 03:29   #1886
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
POLYTICKS

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you part of the milk.
.......................
And that's no bull!
Gentlemen, I do apologise, but I have deleted several responses to this particular JOKE. Whilst this JOKE was a little bit funny, only one of the responses was remotely funny and clever. I left that one in place.

Quote:
joke (jk)n.1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
2. A mischievous trick; a prank.
3. An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.
4. Informal a. Something not to be taken seriously; a triviality: The accident was no joke.
b. An object of amusement or laughter; a laughingstock: His loud tie was the joke of the office.


v. joked, jok·ing, jokes

joke - definition of joke by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

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Old 31-01-2013, 03:48   #1887
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaucySailoress View Post
Gentlemen, I do apologise, but I have deleted several responses to this particular JOKE. Whilst this JOKE was a little bit funny, only one of the responses was remotely funny and clever. I left that one in place.

joke (jk)n.1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
2. A mischievous trick; a prank.
3. An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.
4. Informal a. Something not to be taken seriously; a triviality: The accident was no joke.
b. An object of amusement or laughter; a laughingstock: His loud tie was the joke of the office.


v. joked, jok·ing, jokes

joke - definition of joke by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.
Gee Saucy, most of the deleted posts complied within the meanings 2 and 4 and perhaps even 3 and 5 I accept that most didn't make 1.

But humour is in the ear of the beholder - I guess
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Old 31-01-2013, 14:03   #1888
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Smile Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spin_Drift View Post
Glad you liked it...

.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"


Pretty funny!
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Old 31-01-2013, 14:36   #1889
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Re: The Joke Thread



At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...


"Would all married men please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is
expected to survive.

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Old 31-01-2013, 15:28   #1890
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 Gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have It, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most Of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... And
There was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat You are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very Little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done To your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
Surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, So you don't piss in your eye."
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