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Old 20-12-2012, 01:07   #1801
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Re: The Joke Thread

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
[/QUOTE]

UuuuH Don, I don't wear a towel. But the rest is reasonably accurate

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Old 20-12-2012, 04:47   #1802
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Re: The Joke Thread

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, RoughAs.

It took you a while to get around to posting; but it was worth the wait.
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Old 20-12-2012, 07:32   #1803
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Re: The Joke Thread

---HOWSOEVER CAUSED"---
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Old 20-12-2012, 13:12   #1804
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Nail
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ...... 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

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Old 20-12-2012, 14:49   #1805
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I went to the firm's xmas party last night. The band played "The Twist" so i twisted, they played "Jump" so i jumped, they played "Come on Eileen" so................................................ ....they asked me to leave.

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Joke thread win...
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Old 20-12-2012, 14:52   #1806
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Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
UuuuH Don, I don't wear a towel. But the rest is reasonably accurate

[/QUOTE]

Sort of a "dry it on the bedroom curtains" kinda guy... Me too...
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Old 20-12-2012, 16:44   #1807
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Re: The Joke Thread

Male Sensitivity Quiz
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You always time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss Footie on sky sports.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, you're a healthy average male.

Coops.


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Old 20-12-2012, 16:52   #1808
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Re: The Joke Thread

Male Sensitivity Quiz
OMG.... that's hilarious....
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Old 21-12-2012, 02:24   #1809
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Re: The Joke Thread

The British Office of Statistics asked 10,000 women who were either married or living with their boyfriends:

Would you rather have sex with your mate or a box of filled chocolates?

A significant majority chose the chocolates

Unfortunately not a joke. True story.
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Old 21-12-2012, 02:54   #1810
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
The British Office of Statistics asked 10,000 women who were either married or living with their boyfriends:

Would you rather have sex with your mate or a box of filled chocolates?

A significant majority chose the chocolates

Unfortunately not a joke. True story.
It's funny (or not) how tragedy and humor are so closely related.

But just think how populated the world would be w/o chocolate!
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Old 21-12-2012, 02:57   #1811
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
The British Office of Statistics asked 10,000 women who were either married or living with their boyfriends:

Would you rather have sex with your mate or a box of filled chocolates?

A significant majority chose the chocolates

Unfortunately not a joke. True story.
I have never had sex with a box of filled chocolates, but am happy to give it a try.

Coops.
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Old 21-12-2012, 03:40   #1812
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Re: The Joke Thread

Let's see how many women read this thread:

Female marriageability quiz

1- You are vacuuming the carpet when your mate reaches around from behind you, puts his hands on your breasts, nuzzles your neck and says, ”how about some afternoon delight?”

You

a. Turn around, kiss him and say, ”let’s go”
b. Turn around, kiss him and say ”Get real”
c. Turn around, slap him and say, ”you obviously need exercise – you vacuum.”

2- You notice your husband staring covertly at a blond bombshell in a tiny bikini on another boat.

You

a. Kiss him, and say, ”We need to go below for a while, you studly you”
b. Ignore this once again outburst of adolesence
c. Smack him on the side of the head and say, ”Keep your eyes inboard you dirty old man”

3- You’re buying christmas gifts for your husband

You

a. Buy him the very expensive tools you know he’s dying for
b. Get him some sensible shoes
c. Buy him that huge fluffy warm robe, that you like so much. With matching slippers


4- When asked by the bureau of statistics if you would rather have a box of chocolates or sex with your mate

You

a- Laugh and say, ”why sex, of course, what a silly question”
b- Grimace and say, ”Unfortunately, I’m allergic to chocolate”
c- Say ”The XL size box, please”

Ok, ladies, time to figure out your score. For every ”A” answer, give yourself 5 points. Every ”B” answer, give yourself 3 points. Every ”C” answer is worth 1 point.


18-20 points – ”Where have you been all my life?” The kind of woman every man wants. Will win the ”What makes a woman a perfect boat woman” contest on cruisers forum. Hands down!

13- 17 points – Could be a very desirable woman. Might need to think about your answers.

10-12 points – Well, they do say ”the girls all get prettier at closing time” You should only go out late at night.

4-9 points – Already married I see.


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Old 21-12-2012, 04:31   #1813
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get."
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Old 21-12-2012, 09:36   #1814
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Re: The Joke Thread

Fixin' Things:
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Old 21-12-2012, 10:06   #1815
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Fixin' Things:
When I was a teen we would jump in my '59 VW bus and drive to Rosarito, Ensenada etc. We would get a platter of carnitas for like a buck and Coronas were 5 cents. At some point some knucklehead stuck a piece of lime in a corona bottle and they became $5.

I wanna kill that a@@hole...

Oh, and now you need a passport and parental permission.

I guess this isn't funny unless you are border patrol or the Corona beer guy...
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