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Old 14-12-2012, 09:25   #1786
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnathon123 View Post
Me thinks Therapy and Guy from Iowa are subscribed to the same "joke of the day" email list :-))

Nice joke though
I guess so.


How ya doin' Iowa?
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Old 14-12-2012, 12:34   #1787
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnathon123 View Post
Me thinks Therapy and Guy from Iowa are subscribed to the same "joke of the day" email list :-))

Nice joke though
No I think Therapy has split into multiple personalties as both posts are identical and start with "I would like to share a personal experience ".

Just wait till the arguments start in his head!
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Old 14-12-2012, 15:44   #1788
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Old 14-12-2012, 23:09   #1789
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wife's Diary - Husband's Diary
===============================

Wife's Diary:

I am so upset. Tonight, my husband was acting weird. We had made
plans to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
just nodded and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He
continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence
all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
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Old 14-12-2012, 23:33   #1790
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Re: The Joke Thread

Lassie,

That's a good one, but unfortunately not a joke.

Men can also have feekings - for example they might feel hungry

Generally we spend our time contemplating the important things in life:

Our boat
Our boat
Our boat
Golf
Golf
Where did we put the tools we need to fix the boat
Can I get laid tonight or do I have to act all touchy feely to get a piece?

Not always in the above ranking,
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Old 14-12-2012, 23:40   #1791
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Re: The Joke Thread

A lady walked into a male Dr's surgery one day with a 4 month old baby for examination, the baby seemed to be well nourished and in good health. As a matter of routine the handsome young Dr asked the lady to strip off her top and brassiere, the lady stripped off and the Dr started to examine her eye's ears, nose, throat, blood pressure etc, then he started to examine her breasts, he looked very closely at her nipples, squeezed a little and the stroked her breasts slowly, first the left, then the right, with a puzzled expression he said ' The baby's well fed and in good health but you have no milk', the lady replied 'I know, I'm his grandmother and I sure enjoyed the visit' !
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Old 15-12-2012, 20:36   #1792
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Re: The Joke Thread

What do you want under the tree?
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Old 19-12-2012, 13:34   #1793
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Re: The Joke Thread

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something very wrong with you.
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Old 19-12-2012, 14:00   #1794
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ROFLMAO!! I have tears flowing and am shaking from laughing so hard and can't breathe. That was sooo hilarious... and so true!
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Old 19-12-2012, 15:14   #1795
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Re: The Joke Thread

I had cruising plans, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The sailor and boater in me

Chartplotters have memories
And can't forget the rhumbline to your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run my pennant up the mast to see
Who salutes, but no-one ever does

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, cos I'm sailing in hell

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV

Put me in a slip for repairs and then they had to haul me
You told them all I was rich
They pulled out my mast , now I’m a power boat
God damn you

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, cos I'm in hell

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to sail so well

I want to publish cruiser guides
And rage against bad tides
I wanna tattoo my tongue so it looks like a parrot
But you won't look so don’t you fret it
I'd like to turn off time
So that it always sundowner time
To kill my mind

Paranoia, paranoia
Coasties are coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Cus I'm running at night with no lights
Surfing downwind off the crest heights

Hear the voices from my VHF, I swear to god it sounds real corny
But if you're bored, then you're boring
I’m in the dumdums and irons, it’s killing me

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
Because I can’t hear the sea in my shell

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to sail this well


Name the song I ripped off!
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Old 19-12-2012, 15:56   #1796
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bob Dylan, Knocking on Heaven"s Door. ??
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Old 19-12-2012, 21:04   #1797
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Re: The Joke Thread

I went to the firm's xmas party last night. The band played "The Twist" so i twisted, they played "Jump" so i jumped, they played "Come on Eileen" so................................................ ....they asked me to leave.

Coops.
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Old 19-12-2012, 22:55   #1798
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Re: The Joke Thread

COOPS !! AWESOME!!!
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Old 19-12-2012, 23:10   #1799
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thanks Don!
As a fellow Harvey Danger fan, i salute you sir!
Flagpole Sitta is one of my faves.
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Old 20-12-2012, 00:22   #1800
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Re: The Joke Thread

PC Xmas Wishes



I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.
So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).
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