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Old 23-11-2012, 14:58   #1726
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Troublemaker View Post
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!




NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story)

All TOO OFTEN in the world of Engineers and Science is the OBVIOUS overlooked!
Welcome to my world of mishaps....
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Old 23-11-2012, 15:23   #1727
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Re: The Joke Thread

Troublemaker, can't let you get away with that Brit putdown.
A well known C eh N eh D eh brewer decided to send a new brew to Heineken, who we all know brew the best beer, for a quality assessment.
A one line answer came back "Like making love in a canoe"
The exuberant manager shot off a " thank you" with the query as to what made the brewmeister choose the simile.
Another one line answer, "phucking near water"
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Old 25-11-2012, 22:48   #1728
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Re: The Joke Thread

A tune from my favorite songster, Antsy McClain and the Trailer Park Troubadours.....

Antsy McClain - I Was Just Flipped Off - YouTube



Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma



.
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Old 26-11-2012, 11:58   #1729
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Re: The Joke Thread

Little Johnny is playing up in the back of the English class.

Teacher calls the little criminal to the blackboard and orders him to list four Shakespeare plays, or be sent to the Principal's office for the usual caning.

Little Johnny calmly writes on the board:

three inches

six inches

nine inches

twelve inches

Puzzled by this, and a little smug as it looks like LJ is headed for another tanning, Teacher asks LJ what this is supposed to mean.

LJ explains:

Much Ado About Nothing.

As You Like It.

Midsummernight's Dream.

Taming The Shrew.
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Old 27-11-2012, 19:42   #1730
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since so many are being sensitive ! international terror Alert humor

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent

terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their

security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,

security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross"

since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all

but ran out.

Terrorists have

been re-categorized

from "Tiresome" to

"A Bloody

Nuisance." The last

time the British

issued a "Bloody

Nuisance" warning

level was in 1588,

when threatened by

the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed

Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any

other levels. This is the reason they have been used on

the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it

has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender"

and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent

fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,

effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The Germans also increased their alert state from

"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing

Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:

"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable

of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out

of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new

submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed

subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly

and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two

more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"

and "Change Sides".

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive

strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

Meanwhile in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from

"baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks

(the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers

flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in

the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one

more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope

Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of

invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather

together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.

It might be worth noting that New Zealand would be

unable to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently

deployed playing orcs in the upcoming Hobbit movie.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from

"No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more

escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to

cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is

cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a

situation yet that has warranted the use of the final

escalation level.
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Old 27-11-2012, 20:51   #1731
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Now that's funny.
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Old 27-11-2012, 20:55   #1732
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Re: since so many are being sensitive ! international terror Alert humor

Ought to be something there to offend or ammuse everyone.
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Old 28-11-2012, 08:00   #1733
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Re: The Joke Thread

AAaahhhh, Political oriented jokes, Thick Skinned folks find them funny, thin skinned folks find lawyers and protest signs!
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Old 28-11-2012, 09:00   #1734
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Re: The Joke Thread

In heaven you have an english butler, a french cook, a german car mechanic and an italian lover.

In hell you have an italian car mechanic, a german lover, a french butler and an english cook.

good thing I live in Denmark where most of the women are tall, blond , blue-eyed with looooong legs


jes' sayin' mind you

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Old 28-11-2012, 09:13   #1735
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dulce and Carsten....thank you both, those were brilliant! Am performing cut/paste, those are keepers for the micahfiles.

Being a demilitarised re-naturalised German of Belgian descent that grew up in Oz, there was a lot in there for me...
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Old 28-11-2012, 09:26   #1736
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
In heaven you have an english butler, a french cook, a german car mechanic and an italian lover.

In hell you have an italian car mechanic, a german lover, a french butler and an english cook.

good thing I live in Denmark where most of the women are tall, blond , blue-eyed with looooong legs


jes' sayin' mind you

You could be in heaven or hell depending on the time of the month. jes' sayin'
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Old 28-11-2012, 09:29   #1737
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Re: The Joke Thread

Well Delmarrey,

As they say, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.......

I'd advise anyone not to try scorning a Danish lassie. At least not if you value your family jewels..................

jes sayin'
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Old 30-11-2012, 08:34   #1738
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Overnight Ferry

Two weary diplomats (a man and a woman) who have never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an overnight ferry from Stockholm to Helsinki. After finding out that no other accommodations could be made, they agreed that they were both professional diplomats and capable of getting past the man woman thing. They decided to simply go to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, and with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man , more than a little surprised at the turn of events but very agreeable to the idea winks and says, "OK, that sounds great!" The woman says "Good...get your own blanket"
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Old 30-11-2012, 08:41   #1739
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Re: The Joke Thread

Right you slovenly cruisers....no excuses any more! You can show up in port with the mould on your hawaiian shirt neatly ironed. (pssst....an old soldier's trick for sharp creases: run a line of soap down the inside of the crease. Oh, wait....cruiser.....soap....never mind....)

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Old 30-11-2012, 14:11   #1740
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
In heaven you have an english butler, a french cook, a german car mechanic and an italian lover.

In hell you have an italian car mechanic, a german lover, a french butler and an english cook.

good thing I live in Denmark where most of the women are tall, blond , blue-eyed with looooong legs


jes' sayin' mind you

Too bad those tall, blond, blue-eyed women are covered up in heavy clothing 364 days of the year.
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