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Old 13-11-2012, 06:31   #1711
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ive had requests for my Caribbean RUM Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)




1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Rum, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.



Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Rum to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Rum. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Rum and wipe the counter with the cat.
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Old 13-11-2012, 15:26   #1712
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Re: The Joke Thread

Great recipe .marc
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Old 13-11-2012, 15:40   #1713
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Re: The Joke Thread

You can always tell a Scottish Boat- No Birds.
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Old 13-11-2012, 16:32   #1714
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Re: The Joke Thread

Afghan Hound: "I should change a light bulb? Puleese, ....get the butler. I need to have my hair done."

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Old 15-11-2012, 06:46   #1715
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A wet nose.
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Old 15-11-2012, 13:56   #1716
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man storms into the city pub, slams the door, and shouts, "Blasted lawyers, they're all a$$hole$!"

At this, a well dressed gentleman leaps to his feet and exclaims, "Hey! That's an insult, I resent that!"

The angry man retorts, "Ah, I suppose you're a lawyer, then?"

The guy in the suit replies in an offended tone, "No, sir. I, am an a$$hole".
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Old 19-11-2012, 01:34   #1717
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Re: The Joke Thread

Stopped by the police at 2am...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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Old 19-11-2012, 02:28   #1718
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Re: The Joke Thread

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
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Old 19-11-2012, 09:16   #1719
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Re: The Joke Thread

Given the Thankgiving holiday is upon us .......

TURKEY RECIPE I thought this sounded good!

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

- 8 - 15 lb. turkey
- 1 cup melted butter1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
- 1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
- Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,and pepper.
- Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
- Place in baking pan making sure theneck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
- After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
- When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
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Old 19-11-2012, 12:15   #1720
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by S/V Antares View Post
Given the ThankSgiving holiday is upon us .......

TURKEY RECIPE I thought this sounded good!

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

- 8 - 15 lb. turkey
- 1 cup melted butter1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
- 1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
- Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,and pepper.
- Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
- Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
- After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
- When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
This one is a keeper!
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Old 20-11-2012, 09:49   #1721
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Re: The Joke Thread

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senior, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then, senior?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, senior? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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Old 20-11-2012, 22:20   #1722
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thanks Micah,
YEs, Enjoy life while you are able, Like I say, Want Small, Need Small, Live Large on less... But I like my comfort, so I live not too small!
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Old 22-11-2012, 09:13   #1723
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Re: The Joke Thread

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.




The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Old 22-11-2012, 17:48   #1724
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Re: The Joke Thread

Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story)
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Old 22-11-2012, 22:05   #1725
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Getting we ageing hippies fit again."

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 25lb potato bags.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)



Only after you feel confident at that level . . .

put a potato in each bag.

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