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Old 27-08-2012, 03:20   #1651
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was visiting my daughter last night

when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, she said. 'We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

Well I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
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Old 27-08-2012, 08:10   #1652
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jeb and Zeke are catching one fish after another.

Jeb says to Zeke, "Hey, this is great, all these fish....... let's mark this spot so we know where to come next time!"

Zeke whips out his pocketknife and scratches an "X" in the gunwhale over the spots where their lines lead.

Jeb slaps his forehead and says, "Idiot, how do you know we'll get the same boat next time?!?"
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Old 27-08-2012, 08:17   #1653
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Re: The Joke Thread

Old Zeke is a little bored with retirement on the farm, so he builds himself a hang-glider. Soon he is soaring about on the thermals and happens to drift over his neighbour Hank's property.

Hank is sitting on the porch with his kin, sampling his latest batch of moonshine. Through the alcoholic haze he spots Zeke's glider way up in the sky. He shouts,"Jimminy Cricket! A giant buzzard has grabbed old Zeke! Quick, the shotgun!"

His son Jeb passes him the pumpie and Hank blazes away rapidfire into the sky.

He remarks, "Rat's, I missed; but at least he let go of Zeke!"
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Old 27-08-2012, 12:33   #1654
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Re: The Joke Thread

I just love all these new fangled bug catcher killers things that are out there in the market place..LOL
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Old 29-08-2012, 15:29   #1655
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Re: The Joke Thread

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.


A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.


NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."


Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
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Old 02-09-2012, 19:28   #1656
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Re: The Joke Thread

A dog with a chinese name.

Ho Lee Schitt
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Old 02-09-2012, 23:20   #1657
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Re: The Joke Thread

This may be a little off colour but I recently read some hilarious reviews for a hair removal product for men. While I don't understand the concept ( WHY would you do that) I found myself laughing hysterically. I know some of you will giggle too. here is link to the thread.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-revi...=10xxx11395-21
I am not in anyway associated with this but it's funny. If I am doing wrong pls let me know.
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Old 03-09-2012, 00:38   #1658
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's one that dates from my college days (try to guess my major):

And engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a train traveling through Northern Scotland. The engineer looks out and notices, amongst the sea of white sheep, one lone black sheep in a field. He remarks somewhat smugly - "Oh look, they have black sheep in Scotland".

The physicist takes exception to the sloppiness of the engineer's logic and corrects him - "well, actually, all you can say is "Oh look, this is *a* black sheep in Scotland".

The mathematician looks up from the journal he is reading and sighs. He then says, "Hate to correct you both, but all you can say with certainty from the evidence at hand is that in Scotland, there is at lease one sheep and it is at least half black".

He then resumes reading his journal...
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Old 03-09-2012, 01:41   #1659
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why do bachellors stay fit while married men put weight on?

Bachellor comes back from work, tired after a long day. Goes to the fridge, always the same sh1t, then off to bed.

Married man comes back from work, tired after a long day. Goes to the bed, always the same sh1t, then goes to the fridge.
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Old 03-09-2012, 01:48   #1660
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why don't man-esting sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy


How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving

What's the difference between a lawyer and an *******?

got me - they look and smell the same.
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Old 03-09-2012, 01:53   #1661
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What would you like?" She responds, "A double entendre." So he gave it to her.
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Old 03-09-2012, 15:13   #1662
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Re: The Joke Thread

What's the difference between a porche & porcupine?

A porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
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Old 03-09-2012, 15:15   #1663
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Re: The Joke Thread

Speaking of colour----------

http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf
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Old 03-09-2012, 15:34   #1664
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Speaking of colour----------

http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf
Well, that took me back 40 years.... lol.
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Old 03-09-2012, 17:53   #1665
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
Well, that took me back 40 years.... lol.
Put your mouse on it a wiggle it around.

Whowwieranteklg..............
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