What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical
advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer
, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family
," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money
he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope
and his neck!
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny
, and no one else thinks they're jokes.