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Old 19-08-2012, 20:25   #1636
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex-Calif View Post
It's a geek thing...
I thought it was pretty funny. I guess I'm a geek then.
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Old 19-08-2012, 21:10   #1637
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thank you for explaining... hadn't a clue what was funny... Capt Phil
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Old 19-08-2012, 22:49   #1638
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Re: The Joke Thread

The "funny" part is that the 404 error is often cryptic.. like my post.

You've all probably seen a 404 error - "Error 404 - Page not found. Some things you can try are..."

Followed by a list of things that don't work.

Like most jokes it is marginally humorous if you don't have to explain too much - LOL...
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Old 20-08-2012, 03:40   #1639
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two cruisers fall overboard. The ever-present shark that follows their boat like a puppy approaches for a meal

One of the cruisers puts on swim fins he happened to have on him.

The other cruiser mocks him and says, "You idiot, you can't outswim a shark, even with swim-fins!"

The first one replies, "I don't have to outswim the shark, only you."
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Old 20-08-2012, 22:40   #1640
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Re: The Joke Thread

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Kevin O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised meself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
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Old 20-08-2012, 22:59   #1641
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Re: The Joke Thread

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down..'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown...
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Old 21-08-2012, 20:42   #1642
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Re: The Joke Thread

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
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Old 24-08-2012, 21:50   #1643
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Re: The Joke Thread

TWO NUNS
**************



Once upon a time...

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man also did the only logical thing, He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

For those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!


Have a great day!!!!!



























=




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Old 25-08-2012, 21:48   #1644
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
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thank you I really needed that.
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Old 25-08-2012, 22:07   #1645
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Re: The Joke Thread

If you want to read more of those VEET reviews, you can here.

They are hilarious. Who even thought of making such a product???
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Old 26-08-2012, 07:22   #1646
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
If you want to read more of those VEET reviews, you can here.

They are hilarious. Who even thought of making such a product???
Wow! Those reviews really are hilarious. You could put just about any one of those here on the joke thread.

I haven't laughed this much in a long time. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 26-08-2012, 10:27   #1647
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Re: The Joke Thread

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after at night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
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Old 26-08-2012, 12:30   #1648
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God promised man that good and obedient wives could be found on every corner of the earth...........then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Old 26-08-2012, 14:28   #1649
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Re: The Joke Thread

A businessman takes his secretary to a motel and fornicates the whole day away, and some of the night. In the wee hours, he arrives home and the thought of facing his wife daunts him.

He takes off his shoes and rubs them in the grass, then unlocks his front door.

Sure enough, the missus is there, and not looking pleased. No, not one bit.

He blurts, "Honey, I've been at the motel all day shagging my secretary!"

The wife snorts, "Garbage! You've been playing golf again!!!"
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Old 26-08-2012, 16:18   #1650
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
If you want to read more of those VEET reviews, you can here.

They are hilarious. Who even thought of making such a product???
Amazing.

It really is the UK site isn't it?
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