A sign of the times
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment, then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him, saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money
in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50.00 bill on the box. And according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that ridiculous smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery; his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died. Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane. There's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?'
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member
of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000.00 to the church?'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of seventy years, many children
, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
An elderly man goes into a brothel. He tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'Ninety???' exclaims the woman. 'Hey, old man... don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
An elderly man went to his doctor. 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him into the closet, stark naked
The husband, however, became suspicious. After a search of the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he shouted.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself. 'Those little bastards!'