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Old 04-08-2012, 23:23   #1576
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. ! 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I've shot the dog.'

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Old 05-08-2012, 00:40   #1577
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman decides to enter her dog in a dog show, and since it's a hairless breed and the dog has a few stray hairs that would lose it points in the show, she goes to a drug store and inquires about hair removing cream. The pharmacist (chemist) advises her that she shouldn't use deodorant before or after using the product, to which she replies, "Oh, no, it's not for my armpits, it's for my chihuahua.
"Oh, okay, then just don't ride a bike for a few hours."
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:24   #1578
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Re: The Joke Thread

A city slicker visits his rich cousin in the country. He overindulges himself with brandy and port and wine at the magnificent dinner his relative spread for him, and next morning he's feeling a bit poorly.

The country gentleman commiserates with his sick cousin and suggests, "Oh, nothing too much to worry about; whenever I have a touch of the tartan eyes I go for a bit of a shoot, lovely air around here, clears the head marvellously. Why don't you take my shotgun and dogs and go have some exercise out in the woods?"

The hungover cousin accepts gratefully. Arming himself with a lovely handcrafted over/under 12ga double, a pocketful of shells, and a pack of baying pedigree hunting beagles, he sets off.

The rich landowner busies himself with his garden. After a short time, he hears some frenzied barking off in the distance, and a number of well-spaced shots. He surmises to himself that his guest has flushed some quail and is having a good time.

Soon after, his guest arrives in the garden with the smoking shotgun tucked under his arm. He is visibly refreshed, a fine rosy colour in his cheeks and a sparkle in his eye and a spring in his step.

The host beams and says, "You see, I told you it would do you a power of good! But why are you back so soon, have you run out of ammunition?"

The cousin replies, "Wow, I haven't had that much fun in years. Ammo? No, I ran out of dogs!"
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:00   #1579
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Re: The Joke Thread

Declan Bell posted toTeam GB
After a bit of thought about gold medals, it got me wondering, "So China and the USA have more golds, but they also have more people, I guess that makes us a more talented nation". So, I took pencil to paper, and judging my mathematics are correct, I have a couple of statistics:

As it stands tonight, gold medals are as follows: China are 1st with 31, USA are 2nd with 29 and GBR are 3rd with 18.

...The population of China is roughly 1,339,000,000. The population of the USA is roughly 314,000,000. And the population of the UK is around 60,000,000.

Meaning, that for every person born in China, 1 in around 43 million of them will win a gold medal. In the USA, 1 in around 11 million will win a gold medal. And in the UK, 1 in around 3 million will win a gold medal.

Even better still, going by the figures so far, this makes Great Britain roughly 3.6 times more talented than the USA, and a whopping 14.3 times more talented than China.

Now that makes me very proud to be British!
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:09   #1580
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Re: The Joke Thread

Denmark ahs about 5.5 million. 9 medals means 1 in every 600.000 will win a Olympic medal.

Jamaica has how many people? How many medals have they won?

But I follow your thinking
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:19   #1581
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
Denmark ahs about 5.5 million. 9 medals means 1 in every 600.000 will win a Olympic medal.

Jamaica has how many people? How many medals have they won?

But I follow your thinking
now there is a thought in the "new world order" what a wonderful place the world would be if we let the danish and jamaicans run the goverment
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:24   #1582
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Re: The Joke Thread

If you let the danes run the world you'll end up paying 60% in income tax, 25% VAT and ruinous taxes on just about anything else. I don't know about the jamaicans.

How about if we let the guys from Monaco run it all? No income tax there.........
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:53   #1583
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Re: The Joke Thread

A hybrid would perhaps be the best idea....

Someone with the humble modesty of the French, the easygoing humour of the Germans, the courage of the Italians, the cooking skills of the English, the financial savvy of the Greeks, the gentleness of the Arabs, the organising skills of the Belgians, the driving skills of the Dutch, the motivation of the Mexicans, the sobriety of the Irish, the business ethics of the Chinese, the generosity of the Scots, and the technological prowess of a Kalahari bushman.

Volunteers for the breeding program please report to UN HQ.
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:55   #1584
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Re: The Joke Thread

i wouldn't mind paying high taxes if it wasn't spent on land mines,cluster bombs and policing oil wells and poppy fields..............
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Old 10-08-2012, 05:33   #1585
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Re: The Joke Thread

Outsource it!!--Management by Merkel,Inc. She is already keeping 1/3 0f the developed world going.
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Old 10-08-2012, 05:39   #1586
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by micah719 View Post
A hybrid would perhaps be the best idea....

Someone with the humble modesty of the French, the easygoing humour of the Germans, the courage of the Italians, the cooking skills of the English, the financial savvy of the Greeks, the gentleness of the Arabs, the organising skills of the Belgians, the driving skills of the Dutch, the motivation of the Mexicans, the sobriety of the Irish, the business ethics of the Chinese, the generosity of the Scots, and the technological prowess of a Kalahari bushman.

Volunteers for the breeding program please report to UN HQ.
I think it's call the coalition party in Australia but you missed the honesty of the …

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Old 10-08-2012, 05:43   #1587
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Re: The Joke Thread

Easy, when you're spending OPM (other people's money)....

If only more people would respond to Queen Ferkel like the nautical gentleman behind her in this pic:

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Old 10-08-2012, 09:52   #1588
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Re: The Joke Thread

What have we learned in 2,068 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should
be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to
work, instead of living on public assistance."

Cicero - 55 BC




So, evidently, nothing.
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Old 10-08-2012, 10:10   #1589
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Re: The Joke Thread

Manufactured problems, in preparation for a problem solver. Create a need, and fill it. Interesting reference to Rome, btw...
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Old 10-08-2012, 10:31   #1590
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
What have we learned in 2,068 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should
be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to
work, instead of living on public assistance."

Cicero - 55 BC




So, evidently, nothing.
Just goes to show how little Cicero knew, Rome continued on as a viable polity for another 400-450yr and continued as 2 smaller entities for another 1000yr after that.
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