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Old 06-01-2009, 12:04   #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by James S View Post

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
You sure that's "Man" and not "Woman"?
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Old 07-01-2009, 14:18   #137
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The Zipper ,
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
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Old 07-01-2009, 14:29   #138
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A sailor is talking to a pirate who has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
"How did you get the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate says "I was swept overboard and was attacked by a shark before I was rescued".
"Wow" says the sailor. "How did you get a hook?"
The pirate tells him " I was attacked by natives one night and they cut off my hand"
The sailor then asks him "how did you lose your eye?"
"Well..." says the pirate, "a seagull pooped in my eye"
"You lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?" the sailor asks him in disbelief.
"You see, it was my first day with the hook" explains the pirate.
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Old 08-01-2009, 06:41   #139
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TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES

#10 Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually!"

#6 Golfer: "You got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it is a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:35   #140
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.

How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another
woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under

all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---



we'd both still be alive.
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:13   #141
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MMcKee,
I like that one a lot!!!!
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Old 12-01-2009, 12:55   #142
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
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Old 12-01-2009, 17:22   #143
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A lady ,disapointed with the lack of attention her redneck husband was paying her, had a shower and put on a pair of hot pink crotchless paintiles and laid down on the couch. Her husband walked in , took one look , then went to the fridge, took out a beer, turned on the TV and sat watching the foot ball game. After giving several strong hints , the lady said to her husband. 'Well, aren't you goiung to at least give me a little tickle. Her redneck husband said " No way. I'm not touching that thing. I saw what it did to your shorts."
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Old 14-01-2009, 04:46   #144
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Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn'! t miss w ork, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY
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Old 14-01-2009, 04:48   #145
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.




I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.




An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'




My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'




THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Old 14-01-2009, 07:01   #146
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WOMEN WHO
KNOW THEIR PLACE
<>A point of view .... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the
<>Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is.(no matter where you go)...
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
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Old 15-01-2009, 10:52   #147
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself i n a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Old 16-01-2009, 08:20   #148
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Old 16-01-2009, 09:10   #149
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with nice big tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere!'
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Old 16-01-2009, 09:14   #150
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Subject: Fwd: Heeeeere's Johnny



Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away at work.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
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