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Old 18-02-2011, 19:01   #2146
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Maybe some of the problem finding the "woman" comes with what is discussed in this Huffington article: Tracy McMillan: Why You're Not Married
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Old 18-02-2011, 20:32   #2147
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No sugar coating that!

Scanned the article and although it's quite harsh I'd have to agree there is truth within. Female or male you can not be seeking out mates for the wrong reasons. It's a very simple and basic fact that when you repeatedly behave/react in certain ways and keep getting the same undesirable results it is time to change. The problem does not lie in all of those "others". It's in you. You are the common denominator. Examine it. Deal with it. Forgive. Respect and love yourself. Then life , the world, the universe...... everything just begins to flow like a tide.
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Old 18-02-2011, 20:57   #2148
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I was married for 28 years.... 26 the first time, 2 the second.

My first marriage was great the first 12 and hell the last 14, but I got two wonderful kids out of it who love and respect both their mother and father. My ex-wife was a good mother, and the only reason I stayed in the marriage was that we agreed on how to raise our kids, and that I felt kids needed a mother and father figure if at all possible.

So, I was celibate for many years, but it was worth it for my kids sake.

After the divorce, I fell in love with a woman I still care for to this day. I actually still own the house we bought together. Trouble is, she need her "freedom" and to "find herself".

I rebounded by marrying my second wife. A good person, but man what a mistake! I thought I could be tolerant of her religous beliefs, but she made Jerry Fallwell look like a flaming liberal.

My mistake, and we split amicably.

I have had a few relationships since them, which for various reasons did not end up in a permantent union. Funny thing is, I am friends with most of my girl friedns to this day, and I have had supper with my current one and an ex more than once. (I just never let them alone together to compare notes! )

Have I given up on "the one". Nope. It may happen, but I have learned that one can't force things, and one needs to understand that at our age, most of us have quirks that we probably won't change.

If one can accept the quirks as reality, then the communication will help. But communication only goes so far; there needs to be a similarity in emotional and physical desires. And a ton of respect thrown in.

Now, there is this lil' 55 y.o. darlin' I've had my eye on
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Old 18-02-2011, 21:32   #2149
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Let me throw this out there and see what comes back.... Over the years I have found when trying to find that someone special, "It's not about finding that one right person to love, but rather you , yourself, becoming the right person to be loved." And most definitely, you have to stop looking and place your focus elsewhere. Then wait on it.....wait on it..... and before you know it, that right person will come find you. Try it before you dismiss it.
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Old 18-02-2011, 22:06   #2150
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All very valid

Zeehag,

It is not a male or female thing. It is a control thing. There will almost always be a dominant person in a relationship. Sometimes, you will feel as though you are in control and at other times, you feel helpless.

Every human has been through this and many of us continue to fall into repetitive relationships, to our own destruction. We are often attracted to what is most detrimental to our welfare. I am the supreme example, believe me.

I know today what is bad for me, yet I am easily persuaded to follow the same path to misery, why? Because what is good for me does not represent a challenge! Or, the person I would ultimately be happy with does not have the physical attributes that I am attracted to.

What to do?

Personally, I have decided that I will not ignore the red flags that usually pop up immediately. I will take it slowly and not jump into another relationship until I know who I am dealing with.

Yes, I am terribly lonely, but the pain I have endured, and the children I have lost and the betrayal has been too intense to continue to make the same mistakes, over and over again.

I am not a kid anymore and I feel the time I spend getting it right this time might be the last opportunity I have to get it right. I do not want to go out having failed at the most important issue in our lifetime: A partner to share the beauty we have been given, especially in our community - the ocean and the freedom to check out the world. I do not want to do this alone.

We are all bitter! Turn that emotion into a positive life altering commitment to be patient, develop meaningful friendships and when you are most able to deal with it, you will be blessed with that perfect partner.

Anyway, thats what I keep telling myself! If I am wrong, pity my foolishness.
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Old 18-02-2011, 22:38   #2151
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when control becomes pomposity and smothering,is time to run--isnt the right soul to share with .
watchman,what you said about getting it right and finding someone to share alll the beauty of the seas and wonder and all that--is how i see it.
also to share when the boat nds 2 souls to run her--like tonite with my lines befouled about the chain of my mooring and winds are only about 25-30 kts now.; we expect more and more-- geeez. i have a 1 inch and a 1 1/4 inch line, both shackled to the mooring tag line and they are both wrapped under ball and around chain. oops" hope one lasts until morning--will be a very very loooong night. i use 2 lines as my boat is heavy . the bungee on my bow broke and both lines made wraps before i could untangle them and then wind came and i couldnt pull the boat to unfoul them. i could get close, but not close enough. so is a long wait for morning. prayers to sea god are appreciated. ty. lol i have jib ready and i have the engine bay open for use--in case i have to sudddenly make this boat move on her own. at least i am here. i think she did this while i was in gulf on my adventures but i dont know if wind got this big.so much fun being a boat owner in a storm. lol.... rather be here than anywhere else, however.....but it wouldbe a lot more funner with a friend/partner/mate/??? along too.
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Old 18-02-2011, 22:49   #2152
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It would be the best with a partner. That is why He made them male and female.

Remember, the moments of greatest distress are the greatest moments of your life.

You have prepared well!
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Old 18-02-2011, 23:28   #2153
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these superbitch storms are best served with company-- someone to keep warm with and laugh about the funky noises happening with the mooring chain and befouled lines.....i keep waiting for the sound of line snapping ---bbbbrrrr...
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Old 19-02-2011, 06:53   #2154
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i agree that it comes down to 'control'.. and no it doesnt have to be a male female thing.. but it does come down to compromise..and one person has to conceede and the other has to not gloat or use that concession as a precedent...

but, typically and hereditarily it was a male female thing... you can deny and or argue it all you want... but history and facts remain what they are... we have spent a good deal trying to change that, and women have made great strides to overcome the eons of repression, but they have also given up a lot to get there...

I am grateful for the changes in evolution and society, and welcome them... communication is all that it is... communicating fairly, and lowering expectations and understanding and excersizing tolerance is a big thing....

I am sorry Zee for your troubles in this 'storm'. I am not sure how bad it is down in Sin diego, but it has been rough here in LA. I believe the storm is coming from the north, so i am guessing tomorrow will be a little rougher for you as it was bad here last night...

I am sure there must be a way to securely moor your boat better, 'single handing' her is probably more 'hard', but hopefully you figure it out and learn something for the next big blow... good luck...

I have not given up on finding a first mate, but, I am not actively searching or seeking or expecting to find one anytime soon...i hope to be fairly self sufficient, and I am guessing that the first mate is already self sufficient...and as such they too arent searching me out... and as you know the oceans are huge and it will be easy for us to slip right past each other while we both excersize independance...

that is the one downfall to being independant.. we are both provign something to ourselves, and in doing so maybe too proud or whatever to actually admit and or try to find someone else...

anyways... I will keep my spy glass handy just in case
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Old 19-02-2011, 07:38   #2155
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just live life and enjoy yourself. i have been happily divorced for 8 yrs.,it seems the key is learning how to be truly happy with one's self.if you can't make yourself happy,you won't be able to make someone else happy. i am decidedly better off than now than i was when i was married. i was always the peace maker in my marriage. i came from a loving family. she came from a family that argued constantly,to her that was normal.
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Old 19-02-2011, 09:42   #2156
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just live life and enjoy yourself. i have been happily divorced for 8 yrs.,it seems the key is learning how to be truly happy with one's self.if you can't make yourself happy,you won't be able to make someone else happy....

erego why I am still single and not looking... someday, i will be happy... and someday I will find someone...

but until then, I enjoy being single enough to keep me from jumping into another problem relationship...
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Old 19-02-2011, 09:55   #2157
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ROFL regarding my befouled lines--i am still where i belong-- my neighbor called me this am at about 0745 asking me where did my mooring ball go-- seems i popped that thang off and it floated off on its own. i am still laughing. i called mooring co and made the report thaat i am now in compliance--i only have one mooring ball now-- jimmy the hitman asked to what am attatched--i sed block on thebotttomand that if i dropped my lines and sailed away, there would be no b-5 mooring anymore--- i told him i AM IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE BYLAWS THAT SAY WE ARE ONLY ALLOWED ONE BALL--LOL--he actually laughed.
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Old 23-02-2011, 14:08   #2158
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Re: Single Sailors Seeking Soul Mate Group

Zee,
I would like to throw in my 2 cents on the subject of unconditional love.
Some say is there such a thing? I would hope so and believe our Creator in heaven loves us unconditionally. He can hate what we do and smite the crap out of us but still love us without doubt. If any of us had any kind of a relationship with our parents good or bad would know unconditional love for those parents. We may not like what they did but still feel love for them. I can tell you this being hurt physically and mentally and left adrift will destroy love if you let it. Growth and understanding heal all wounds. Let’s take baba daboatkat for instance. Has he ever tried to control you in any situation? Maybe when he wanted some affection and rubbed against you leg or you face while you’re trying to read or sleep and he just thinks its play time or you need a good stroking. Is this the time to throw the cat out the window or hatch as it may be? The simple solution is give him what he wants and a few strokes extra to boot. You have a happy cat and a great relationship. If you don’t he will stop asking and withdraw. Sometimes I think a cat knows when we need a little affection and some strokes our selves. Did you ever see a cat being picked up by a child? They go completely limp and know it’s a child and it’s a recipe for disaster to resist the child’s affection and who knows, there could be some good that may come of it. That’s why they have nine lives… Cats and other animals have in them the sense of unconditional love built right in. So do people as infants. It’s what happens in life that makes us stop, evaluate and even withdraw. I read a book “why am I afraid to tell you who I am” by John Powell. A very good book about communication on what he calls a (gut level) sharing of one’s self. Try to do that with total honestly. Relationships are based on Trust and Honesty… If you’ve got both of them working, you can love and live with anyone.
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Old 23-02-2011, 14:23   #2159
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Re: Single Sailors Seeking Soul Mate Group

Quote:
someday, i will be happy
If not now, when?
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Old 23-02-2011, 14:34   #2160
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Re: Single Sailors Seeking Soul Mate Group

wolfie-- i found my bubby is one of the most reliable sources of affection-- but aint the same as a hoomin,..he does converse and warn me of impending doom and other wonders cats do- he doesnt like storms and he doesnt like fire or smoke or other horrible stuff.. lets me know by biting me the time for food, computer, etc-- hates disruption in his normal routine--poor bubby-- i dont much do same any 2 days in sequence--LOL....
what i havent found after we grow past a certain age, we lose our ability to trust without condition. some regain that with a soulmate-- but so far i have found with child and cat. grown ups are different than kids-- our psyche is more scarred and trust doesnt come as easy-- we cant push a river---

another thing i learned is if we are not happy within our selves, then we will never be happy.
what makes each of us happy is that which makes us-- how we turn lemons into lemonade -- or not--- and how we face the thangs that trubble andmake speedbumps in our lives. we are very fortunate here to have each other for fun, sadness, celebration and mourning-- is a family---we an whine together and laugh together and ooh and aaah pictures posted and argue over words written, but is a social group of sailors and bench sailors who kinda get along and have respect for each other kinda like a relationship--omg.
but finding a mate i think is something that comes from within--- at least from what i have witnessed--- dunno personally....but, makes sense, as to be happy , one must BE happy.
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