Can I get a cheering squad please?

[Sea Dreaming]

It's been a tough week for me. I've been feeling a little anxious.
When we first discussed the cruising life my enthusiasm was filled with the energy I recall having at 20. I mean, I've always been the sort to "just get on with it". I've had many changes in my life where this attitude drove me through challenges that could have been defeating.

But I'm not 20 any more. I am more protective and more cautious. Believe it or not, this new conservative attitude is really eating me up.

We have been on the boat 4 months now and learning new skills. But we are moving at a snails pace and we are no where near where I thought we would be.

On one hand, we have no schedule and we had not done any work on the boat when we moved on. So slow is fine. There has been a lot of work to do but, frankly, we aren't working all that hard on anything but we plug away here and there and stuff does get done.

But I'm anxious because I would hate this new life, this promise of possibilities, to slip away while we putter.

And I have a lot of mental bending to do before we commit and get off the dock. I am a little un-nerved by my own inexperience sailing and I keep wondering if I can do this.

We really haven't gone far in part because of some of those things that are still needing to be done. Like set up the auto pilot and practice anchoring.

But I get out there and look at all that ocean stretching out from the shore, we sail out and I think "we have gone so far!" But not really, we can see land, we can see other boats. Will I have what it takes to go off shore?

But worse yet, I get nervous. I'm scared to sail in 20 knots. I keep worrying that I'm going to do something stupid. The idea of gybing makes me shutter. I'm worried about sailing in choppy seas.

We were out the other day in light wind but a 2 meter swell. The sails would lose the wind and main would clang. That clang made me nervous. Yet, this is normal stuff right?

This is where that "get on with it " attitude would really help alot. But somewhere between 20 and 50 I seem to have lost it. I feel like the alien in "Stranger from a Strange Land" . A foreigner who knows the language but not the customs.

How in the world am I ever going to calm down and just enjoy the ride?
What can I do to feel more comfortable?

[JPA Cate]

Sea Dreaming,

You probably just need sea time. You can putter on your boat anywhere, if you have the electrical supply problem solved. Maybe your partner would prefer to have refrigeration, maybe it can wait. If he's feeling unsure, also, as well as responsible for the well-being of the boat and himself, your reciprocal insecurities will feed on each other's.

You might consider, for those less wind and sea times, putting the two reefs in the main, it will be flatter then, and slat less, especially if prevented. Read up on preventers here there's lots of threads. Twenty knots will not bother your boat. It's okay if you get seasick when beating, that's what the seasickness threads address, and lots of sound advice there. If you can easily get some Stugeron (you'll need a prescription) before you leave San Carlos, that would be good. Your medicine kit should also contain anti-emetic suppositories.

Go on an overnighter, out towards the western side of the SoC. Stay in some anchorages. Work your way south. Read zeehag's discussion of the hurricane hole she stayed in. Or go meet her, back on the east side. But do get your feet wet. You get to feel nervous about something you have little experience with, sure, fine, own the feeling: do what you can --other than stopping --to feel safer, but keep pushing your limits.

There is little to worry about at 20 knots if your boat is in good shape. But you need to push the window. It's good while you're in a civilized place to break what you can early in the game, make it better and then go on. It's a "shakedown", and both the two of you and the boat should have it long before hurricane season. It's a process, break, fix, change things, and become your own cheering section.

On a passage as long as the Atlantic passage you mentioned to me previously, there will be the possibility of some seriously bad weather. Best if you have confidence in yourselves and the boat before then.

In a nutshell: you don't need a cheering section, you need sea time.

Ann

[Mark424]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

How in the world am I ever going to calm down and just enjoy the ride?
What can I do to feel more comfortable?

First - what you are feeling is perfectly natural - but you may have a disconnect between what you think you "should" be doing vs what you feel comfortable doing or "enjoy" doing. This is not a contest, there are no "shoulds", everyone has unique goals.

Focus on what you enjoy, and find a way to stretch your comfort zone little by little - no hurry - have fun with it. There are lots of ways, whether it's taking a class, sailing on someone else's boat that you trust, bringing someone on your boat that you trust - whether a friend or hiring a private coach. Then for each time you stretch a little, and the nerves come up - talk it through - what's the worst that could happen? What are the odds? what are your contingency plans? Talk through your concerns w/ someone who has been through it - are your concerns realistic? e.g. most boats are tougher than people - so while yes you can break the boat, it's harder than you think.

You will be amazed if you talk to seasoned sailors many started with the same feelings and some still feel that way. Talk to folks on your dock/marina/club/anchorage.

Everyone is different, some people learn by experience and repetition, some by writing down their own personal operating plan w/ all the contingencies, some want to take everything apart and back together so they know they can fix it. You see lots of people on these forums w/ 2-3 sets of expensive electronics as back up and then won't go offshore, others buy an old beat up boat and take off and figure it out as they go. There is no right answer.

It's not about the destination and "should", it's about enjoying the ride, learning something new, stretching yourself a little, and if you decide you don't enjoy it, no harm, no foul, do something else. Many have.

[44'cruisingcat]

Yep, just sea time. What might seem scary the first time it happened will become routine.

[daletournier]

The nervousness is very normal. Ive got approx 25,000+nm and 10countries under my belt yet I was nervous leaving the other day for the next chapter. Self doubt is natural.
You'll never have all the jobs done, if you try to you will never leave. Prepare the best you can but you also need faith, the reality is you cant forsee everything that will happen and stuff does happen, but you know what? you'll deal with it and get through, we all do.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[SV Bacchus]

Agree with everything said above, especially the statement about never having all the jobs done. If you are waiting for that to happen you will never leave the dock!

I further suggest hiring a licensed captain to sail with you for a week. Show the captain your post so he/she can see exactly what your concerns are and then tailor the week to address all those concerns, i.e. anchoring or going offshore out of the sight of land and other vessels.

I would think building confidence in those areas that concern you would be much easier with an experienced person on board.

[olaf hart]

It's important to learn at your own pace.

Sounds like you have a schedule somewhere, a dangerous thing for a cruiser.

Remember, cruising is a state of mind.

It' is 5% passage and 95% hanging around having a good time.

[Suijin]

There is no substitute for experience when it comes to building knowledge and competence and the accompanying confidence that comes with it.

You have no schedule, so there is no rush. There is plenty to see and do where you are now; make shorter passages, build experience, and worry about offshore passages later.

Beyond gaining confidence through experience, there is also confidence that you need to build in your boat. That's a function of time spent on it, learning it and all it's systems, fixing and refitting as necessary.

My advice; sail where you are, diversifying your experience in terms of anchoring, sailing in various conditions, etc. Live with the boat for awhile, learning it and taking stock of what it needs. When you're finally ready to head out farther afield, haul the boat and do your refit/changes as necessary, back in the water, a few weeks/months of making sure everything is functioning properly, then head out.

Lastly, sailing offshore is it's own animal, with it's own set of challenges and issues. Some skills and knowledge that you acquire sailing coastal apply but not all, and some offshore skills are unique. But fundamentally it's about seamanship and knowing your boat. Much of that you can acquire through longer coastal passages. Start out with overnighters, stretching them to multi-day passages.

I often tell people that the best introduction to offshore passage making is to volunteer as crew on a boat with an experienced skipper. It will be a week well spent, and it's basically free. You'll learn a tremendous amount in a very short period of time, a hundred little details that you would not pick up otherwise.

[boatman61]

Sea Dreaming.. don't get anxious about feeling anxious.. its a normal thing.. I go through it from the minute I accept a job.
First.. what's the boat going to be like.. then its the flight (Hate flying).. then when I get to the boat and look her over its can I fix what needs fixing.. can I manage without this or that working but then after a couple of days aboard I get comfortable with the spirit of the boat and what its telling me and I start to relax.
I don't do sea trials.. they don't tell me anything I cant figure out in the marina or out on the anchorage where I go to hang out while I wait for a window.
If anything's going to break or go wrong it'll be after you set off and 3+ days into the trip so you figure out what the possibilities are and wrap the counters into your brain..
If your mains flogging with the swell tension the mainsheet to reduce the play in the boom.. you don't need it swung right out.. if running downwind just use the genny.. you say your not in a rush so stop trying to go fast.. once you master going slow (I love slow ) going faster is a piece of cake.
Really.. the only way to clear the self doubt is to bite the bullet and cast off.. pick a good weather window and have duck in ports set up for the passage down the coast and go.. there's a lot more going for you than against you.
Normally it takes 2-3days to settle into a boat at sea for a trip.. different mindset called for than a 4-5hr blast around the vicinity of your base where your confident help is close to hand.. realistically it likely won't reach you any faster than if your 50-150 miles further down the coast..
If the hull, rig, sails and engine are good.. cast off and sail.. fix the niggles as you go..

[gamayun]

Ditto everything everyone said above. I think back over the last 4 years of new boat ownership and I'm amazed at the confidence gained, but part of this is that I wasn't relying on anyone else, so the learning curve is extremely vertical. You might ask your partner to allow you to take the tiller and make decisions about where you're going for the day and then practice giving him directions on what you want him to do (in which he does not get to call the shots unless there's the potential for danger). I get the impression that both of you are relatively green so perhaps you're feeling he isn't all that confident either? This ramps up the anxiety element. For example, rigging a preventer would help with the slatting when there's no wind. Also, you might try to just be present in the moment and not think about what should have been. It sounds as if your expectations are not meeting reality. So ask yourself -- what's wrong with the reality you have? It might take longer to get things done, but what's the rush? You're getting sail time in, and you know you need to practice anchoring and other things. Why burden all that with more anxiety if you're in an unknown anchorage, too? Good luck!!

[Snore]

I agree with the posters that say you need more seatime.

But you need time with a mentor. Hire a captain or ASA instructor for a short passage. You will earn more in that 4-5 days than a month on your own

[Teknishn]

Wish I could contribute some additional sage wisdom Sea Dreaming but I think the true Sages here have got it pretty much covered. Cheering for you .. (Now get on with it already! ) Best of luck!

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Sea Dreaming.. don't get anxious about feeling anxious.. its a normal thing... you say your not in a rush so stop trying to go fast.. once you master going slow (I love slow ) going faster is a piece of cake.

This, to me and mine, has been the saving grace of our cruising life so far. To quote me : "Why go fast, when you can go slow.” If you don’t have to be anywhere, then where you are is just fine. Go at your own pace. Be cautious, sure. Be careful, absolutely. But just keep going, one baby step at a time.

Boats can be overwhelming … it’s a lesson I keep relearning myself. When I get in that funk of becoming overwhelmed with how much there is to do onboard, I try and step back and remind myself that there are no deadlines. This isn’t vacation, this is life. No need to rush. I just tell myself: "Do ONE thing today. That’s all I have to do; One Simple Thing.” And I reward myself after doing the one thing; go for a fun sail, go talk to friends, or my personal favourite: have a beer (or two, or three ). Just keeping doing One Thing each day.

These other things: sailing in heavy conditions, use of preventers, halting the slatting of the sails, anchoring … all these things are just skills that you learn over time. Baby steps … go out and anchor in different places. Do an overnighter. Set up the preventer. Reef often. And absolutely be the captain of your own ship. Make decisions on your captaining days — I am a strong believer that there are no “captains” and “admirals” on a boat sailed by two. “Co-captains” is how we run out boat.

[zeehag]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

It's been a tough week for me. I've been feeling a little anxious.
When we first discussed the cruising life my enthusiasm was filled with the energy I recall having at 20. I mean, I've always been the sort to "just get on with it". I've had many changes in my life where this attitude drove me through challenges that could have been defeating.

But I'm not 20 any more. I am more protective and more cautious. Believe it or not, this new conservative attitude is really eating me up.

We have been on the boat 4 months now and learning new skills. But we are moving at a snails pace and we are no where near where I thought we would be.

On one hand, we have no schedule and we had not done any work on the boat when we moved on. So slow is fine. There has been a lot of work to do but, frankly, we aren't working all that hard on anything but we plug away here and there and stuff does get done.

But I'm anxious because I would hate this new life, this promise of possibilities, to slip away while we putter.

And I have a lot of mental bending to do before we commit and get off the dock. I am a little un-nerved by my own inexperience sailing and I keep wondering if I can do this.

We really haven't gone far in part because of some of those things that are still needing to be done. Like set up the auto pilot and practice anchoring.

But I get out there and look at all that ocean stretching out from the shore, we sail out and I think "we have gone so far!" But not really, we can see land, we can see other boats. Will I have what it takes to go off shore?

But worse yet, I get nervous. I'm scared to sail in 20 knots. I keep worrying that I'm going to do something stupid. The idea of gybing makes me shutter. I'm worried about sailing in choppy seas.

We were out the other day in light wind but a 2 meter swell. The sails would lose the wind and main would clang. That clang made me nervous. Yet, this is normal stuff right?

This is where that "get on with it " attitude would really help alot. But somewhere between 20 and 50 I seem to have lost it. I feel like the alien in "Stranger from a Strange Land" . A foreigner who knows the language but not the customs.

How in the world am I ever going to calm down and just enjoy the ride?
What can I do to feel more comfortable?

sea dreaming--get to mazatlan. slowly. we will have crappy pizza and good conversation at the marina. take advantage of all th eanchorqges on the way south. there ar many and each is different and beautiful.
you are doing great. just remember--add weeks to all long passages and with refits and prepping, add a year.
your "hay nervios" is normal.
you are on a life changing adventure. it gets better than merely refitting and provisioning.
there are beautiful places to go and stay during summer-- two good places i know are mazatlan --lowest in water rates, crap wifi and dirty showers and bathrooms---but lowest rates in mexico other than guaymas which you have already learned about during newton. oops. if you can get to mazatlan before summer, you will hold less nervousness and more confidence.
repair that which NEEDS to be done in port and get the flock out of there and sail. sail wherever you want to sail.
remember the soc island marking lights are not visible from northern approaches. oops.... stay away from islands and land masses in darkness.
once out of the sea, you will have much broader experiences. sailing is either under motor or sails-- we have either too much or too little winds. always.
cruising is repairing boat in exotic locales , and in this mode you will find many really cool places with awesome workers and specialty items--woodwork, metal work--whatever you need is out here. my boat was far from perfect when i took off from san diego-hahaha still is, but--guess what--isnt the boat--it is US.
the adventure centers around the people living it.
we each have our own experiences--different and unique despite same locations as others.
it is most normal to experience a bit of anxiety before passages and during repairs. you need to just get out of guaymas./san carlos and experience a different part of mexico.
get to next stop and fix another thing. and again. sail repairing is in banderas bay-- ullman has a new site in puerto vallarta. i would not use pvsails as he screws up as much as he gets right. his alleged repair of my genoa resulted in a massive blowout due to inept repair techniques. oops. but there is now an alternative to him.
mazatlan is a mixed bag for repairs--stay away from the large gringo owned companies for best results. peter, the rigger at the la cruz boatyard is the only actual rigger in la cruz area. he is GOOOD. excellent welder also. alternative welding is mazatlan-- excellent welders here, with fabrication experiences.
barra has wood work. awesome. my 14.5 ft newly built ipe/perota/guanacatle boom was 1200 pesos. just under 100 usd. it is perfect.
there is also a non english speaking non thief engine repairman in joluco(barra area)/manzanillo with his own machine shop. awesome work done by him. las hadas in manzanillo area is also a good place to occupy space and time. purchasing of parts is most reasonable in manzanillo.
zihuatenejo is not to be missed-- beautiful location merely for vacationing--sailfest and guitar fest are popular events there. christmas is awesome therre.
these are not that far apart, so passages are fairly short. from guaymas/san carlos., do experience the rest of gulf of cali/soc. there is much wildlife in the waters. the desert is also beautiful next to the sea.
you are being safe and prepping thoroughly. you should have no issues once underway--but, if there is anything you can do while in water and underway--ditch the desert and get into tropical mexico for convenience and a change of scenery. there are so many protected anchorages in soc to play in-- and repairing is also a doable thing. so whichever scenery you like best is readily available--desert/tropics... all within reach.
with time spent on water sailing and motoring you will adapt to the silliness of the noises and seriousness of sounds-- you will be able to relax and catch a fishie for dinner.
you only need to breathe.
relax and breathe.
is like owning a new house-all the sounds are alerts to your central system .. once you acclimate to these sounds you willbe less anxious. sail more..even in light airs--sail in brisk breezes. sail as much as you can. sail more than you think you can.
so, wind up your dock necessary repairs and come on down.
ps--i always get major butterflies before a passage--it keeps the alert state of awareness we all need at sea.
breathe -- it works.
as for the gybing part--i prevent my boom to a good solid part of the boat.. we donot gybe our boat. we will walk the boom over ... but no crash anythings. hurts boat. most of the winds in which you will sail are downwind or on the beam.
slowly you will be in increasing winds and wont even know when you hit 20 kts unless you keep a watch on the anemometer-- forget that thing. just sail. you will do most excellently well.
take pix of the sea life you watch while sailing, and your fishies caught. soon you will be less nervous and more confident.
it is all magical.

[Diesel Bill]

Hi Sea Dreaming, Not much I can add to all the great posts above. I know for myself that before leaving the dock for any thing over a day or so my mind is overwhelmed with what ifthis or that happens, or something goes wrong and many self doubts. All you can do is prep for what ever you think will be encountered. I don't know how to explain it but I think it's called pre flight jitters.
As others have said after 3-4 days you get in the groove and relax and start to enjoy the experience. Pick a good weather window and go out and enjoy your boat.