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Old 19-04-2007, 12:00   #31
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I agree, and disagree, sluissa . . .

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Originally Posted by sluissa
Along with making this plan, and due to the fact that I currently have no significant other, I've decided I'm not going to let romance get in the way of the plan. If I find someone that wants to join me, great, but if they change their mind, I'm sorry but the plan will have to come first, and I will be up front about that.

I know this isn't really any help to those of you that are already stuck in a bad situation, but maybe... just maybe I can convince you that romance doesn't have to be the most important thing if your life, as selfish as that sounds, even to me, you deserve to be happy, and anyone holding you back from that is only being selfish themselves.
You are, I believe, not incorrect that it is best to execute your plan, and let the chips fall where they may. If you then meet someone along the way who can be comfortable living the same sort of lifestyle, so much the better. And much easier than entangling your life with someone else's, then trying to convince them that they will be happy adapting to some future, hoped-for, lifestyle of your's. That simply may not be true.

I doubt, though, that you need to convince anyone over about 35 "...that romance doesn't have to be the most important thing if your life." That is one of those things that kind of sinks in with age, it seems to me. After that, it's companionship you want as much as, or even more than, romance.

Where I part company with your view, however, is that last part about selfishness; that "...anyone holding you back from [your pursuit of happiness] is only being selfish themselves." I disagree, because that is not possible.

One's significant other may indeed be pulled in a different direction in the pursuit of their happiness, but without your agreement, tacit or otherwise, they aren't holding you back - you are. If you don't "go along to get along," you aren't held back at all!

Clearly, you must be the master of your domain, and I don't think that's selfish. Misrepresenting yourself to someone else in some misguided attempt to "have your cake, and eat it too;" now that's selfish.

When my relationship with my former wife was in its early days, I was passionate about hang-gliding. She knew that, of course, but didn't tell me I had to give it up or she would end the relationship. What she said instead was "Don't give it up for me - you'll only hold it against me!" But she added "Just make sure you have enough life insurance, because I'm not going into debt to bury you."

Manipulative? Sure! But she hadn't issued a selfish ultimatum to me. The choice was still mine, and, well, I'm still here. For me, giving up hang-gliding was a small price to pay for something I wanted more.

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Old 19-04-2007, 17:21   #32
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Guess it is possible to have one or two much younger "wives" aboard. Read somewhere of a guy who was swamped with applicants from the local prostitutes in some South American country, and took those of interest out one at a time for a day or twos sea trial.
I am not saying all such would be prostitutes - one of my neighbour's married a good one. Another married one who provides services while he is at work unknown to him. Guess he is unlikely to know about the secret stash.
Barter for sexual services is one thing, a loving loyal trusted mate is another.
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Old 19-04-2007, 17:52   #33
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I am not saying all such would be prostitutes - one of my neighbour's married a good one. Another married one who provides services while he is at work unknown to him. Guess he is unlikely to know about the secret stash.
That is 50% prostitutes......?

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Barter for sexual services is one thing, a loving loyal trusted mate is another.
Where can I find one of these.?
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Old 20-04-2007, 21:44   #34
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I guess my view is wrong, in my mind, the idea of a relationship almost always involved one side of it giving up something major so the other side could be happy. In only a few cases that I know of has it somehow balanced out or worked together or whatever, so that both sides ended up completely happy.

I don't know why, but for a long time I thought it would just be my fate in life to be miserable in order to make my significant other happy.(and that it would be selfish of me to want it any other way) That's one of the things that changed along with the decision to go for the boat life. I no longer believe it has to be that way, but that way of thinking still affects me I guess.

Sorry...
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Old 21-04-2007, 11:44   #35
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Sluissa... depending on who you get, it doesn't have to be that way at all. My wife is literally my best friend. When we converse, it's like one single mind... weird stuff... but no compromises involved.

One thing for sure... don't give in and try to change yourself to be someone you're not for a girl. It'll blow up in your face years down the road anyway when you get so fed up with it you divorce.

And you view isn't "wrong." There's no such thing. It's just your view and it may differ from others on here, but it's not wrong.

Sorry if I sound preachy. I just read your post and figured I could pipe in to say there are cases of people who are 50/50% and have a good frienship in place instead of a heavy, annoying, "change for the other person" relationship.

If you go for the boat life, and you remember how to talk to girls and how to communicate in general, you'll have a great time. And if there's one thing my wife and I realized from observing others, it's that when you are *trying* to find a significant other, it never happens. You have to live your life the way you are talking about (for you) and they will just show up some day.

Hey... we were just down in Pensacola a few months ago. We ate at Jerry's Cajun and found out it burned down the week after we ate there. Are they back up in business yet?
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Old 21-04-2007, 11:58   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wilverine
I am in a delimma with my wife. She doesn't want to even talk about living on a boat and it's my dream. I wonder if anyone has a story or two about not doing it and regretting it.

"of all sad word of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'it might have been'". JG Whittier
Maud Miller! I love that poem; a friend of mine in the Navy game me a poetry book that had that in there.

My take is that boats and signifigant others can be really tricky. It helps, a lot, to start with someone who is at least luke warm to the idea. My girlfriend and I boat the boat together, and we work on it together, and we generally enjoy it together.

My big piece of advice to you is make the boat attractive to her. You can see through the maintenance, money, and headaches because you know how much fun you are going to have. But she doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if you talk non stop about the problems that you're dealing with (and righly so you do need to deal with them).

But make sure that the majority of the time that you're talking about boats with her, talk about things she might care about. Museums along the routes she might enjoy, places she might want to visit. Does she want to go on an inland trek through Australia when you get there? What about taking the boat through the canals of Europe?

Make sure you give her something to be as excited about, equal or more than whatever excites you. Plus, it will help you to expand your own horizons.

I had no intention of looking into the canals of Europe, but that was something that really sparked an interest in my girlfriend, so that will become a part of the plan now. Likewise she is an aspiring translator, so another major goal is to find a place for her to do English<->French<->Spanish translation or teaching somewhere.

If your signifigant other cares for nothing more than shopping at the malls well then there's not much you can do with that, and honestly it might not be fair for you to drop the sailing bomb on her when you got married / into a relationship with someone who doesn't want that. I mean how would you feel if she came out of the blue with something that totally wasn't your style either?

But predicated that she's open and somewhat adventerous, a big part of your job is making sure you're excited to complete her dreams just as much as you want her to be excited to complete yours.

Also, living on a boat and working 8-5 is rough. I wouldn't recommend it unless you both want to do it.
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Old 21-04-2007, 12:46   #37
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Buck up, sluissa, life's a game . . .

There is much wisdom in what Sean and rebel heart have said in their posts, above, and I heartily endorse the points they've made. No one is born knowing everything about anything, sluissa, and growing older is at least as much about gaining wisdom as it is about gaining knowledge. And it definitely isn't about gaining wealth, although that may be a necessary pursuit in order to make gaining wisdom and knowledge possible.

Hang in there, my friend! You have many, many years ahead of you to "live and learn." Just be true to yourself, sluissa. Without that, you will be of little use to yourself or anyone else.

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Old 21-04-2007, 14:08   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebel heart
I had no intention of looking into the canals of Europe, but that was something that really sparked an interest in my girlfriend, so that will become a part of the plan now. Likewise she is an aspiring translator, so another major goal is to find a place for her to do English<->French<->Spanish translation or teaching somewhere.
IMO both your girlfreind and you will not regret going down this route - if you like to relax, but want the choice to do "stuff" (canals tended to be built between population cevtres or they grew up along the route of varying sizes) I have only experianced first hand a small part of the canal systems in N/w France - mainly from many many trips when I was a kid (you get blasé about things as kid of course - but I would love to (and maybe will again) go down this route again for extended periods). IMO it's the best way to avoid trapped on the boat syndrome by having ashore always available and often interesting stuff to do nearby - even with the best of relationships being trapped in a small box 24/7 with someone else is a minority sport Being able to have some seperate space and even lives does IMO add a lot to keeping a relationship going. - although I appreciate that folk do differ on this.

The upside is that the boat you choose could well be cheaper (buy one in Europe and you save on buying something that is also Trans Atlantic capable, plus it would be less of a compromise for the canals (in many places you don't want a 6 foot draft!) plus you save the VAT & RCD compliance problems........even if the s/h boat prices are more expensive in the EU than the US, so is the re-sale price. But it may make sense NOT to have a mast!!! and also for some rivers having more than 6 knots available would be a big plus, whereas for many canals having 6 knots available to you would be way too much )..........more than enough canals and rivers to last folk a lifetime to explore

IMO you have a very smart G/f
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Old 21-04-2007, 17:20   #39
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And speaking of wives and girlfriends on boats, here's mine doing her 8 AM chores today:

*Taking off the old, broken anchor light
*Installing and rewiring the new LED anchor light and housing

ha ha ha

She volunteers for this since she's about 100lbs, and could never lift me up. Also, I'm scared to death of heights while she's scared to swim under the boat - so that has become my job. See... it all works out.
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Old 21-04-2007, 18:32   #40
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Sluissa is 20 - not that others do not or have not had that view.
I don't think one has to sacrifice oneself for another. While you may put yourself out for someone you love, you also have to care about yourself, and in a balanced non exploitative relationship each cares about the other. Those things tend to balance out or reach some equillibrium.
Generally at some point compromise will be required to find ways that meet the wishes of both.
Sometimes the point will be trivial -chicken or steak. At others the point will be important children or no children. There are pluses and minuses to each choice.
Similarly for some security is a priority for others it isn't.
Having a plan that both can live with has more chance of happening than one that one person feels forced into.
The lesson that one doesn't always get what one wants when one wants it is one my under two year old granddaughter is learning.
By the way making someone else happy all the time is not realistic. Happiness is only one of numerous emotions, the same as a piano has more than one key. Content is perhaps more apt, but it is the other's response not your responsibility.
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Old 21-04-2007, 22:37   #41
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I appreciate everyone's kind and wise words, but I think you got the wrong impression from my post. I in no way am sad or depressed about this, I used to be to a certain degree, but no longer.

I do feel my views are a bit skewed due to my experiences and I know that I need some more experiences in order to see things through a better set of glasses than the dirty, smudgy, wrong prescription ones that I currently view things through.

In any case, right now I'd rather spend my time mostly alone. I know I won't feel that way forever, but due to current living conditions, a bit of privacy would be bliss to me.

Sean: I don't know about Jerry's Cajun at the moment, but considering my dad is in the city fire department, he should know. I will ask him first thing in the morning and send you a PM. And yes, I see that an extra set of hands can be helpful.

Rebel Heart: while that advice may be good, and I may end up following it at some point anyway, it seems way too much like, if not lying, at least not telling the whole truth. In the same way that some car salesmen and dare I say boat brokers will play up the good parts of what they're selling while failing to mention any less than obvious bad parts... I will try to remember it though, I might be willing to try anything if I"m desperate enough one day... but I hope things don't come to that. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just against my ideals, but as we all know ideals are rarely possible, so if it works for you, great.

Taojones: I'm sorry if I seemed to imply that I should know everything, I know I don't even if my ego, which seems to slip out sometimes, wishes I did. But I do realize I have some time left to possibly make a dent in that which I don't know.

chris_gee: I realize compromise is almost always required at some point, and I'd be willing to do so on some things, but there are others that will stand firm on. And if you asked me right now, my current plan is one of those things

I really don't like all this attention on me, I did not mean to draw it and I'm sorry if I've torn this thread away from it's original topic, but that appears to have happened before I got into it. And I apologize for this being such a long post as well and probably for being poorly written since it is being written while I"m tired, but oh well, i'm only making this longer.
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Old 22-04-2007, 16:02   #42
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No need to explain or apologise for anything. We sensed that you had had a positive change in thinking, and learning that you can be yourself and find the world a better place. I certainly hope so.
The focus isn't really on you, rather the issues are common to many people.
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Old 23-04-2007, 02:51   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ssullivan
And speaking of wives and girlfriends on boats, here's mine doing her 8 AM chores today:

*Taking off the old, broken anchor light
*Installing and rewiring the new LED anchor light and housing

ha ha ha

She volunteers for this since she's about 100lbs, and could never lift me up. Also, I'm scared to death of heights while she's scared to swim under the boat - so that has become my job. See... it all works out.
Sean, there's no way my wife could winch me up the mast either, but there's also NO WAY I could talk her into going up - so what I have is rope ascender gear - you can get it from mountaineering shops - I climb up a halyard when I need to. It's actually quite an easy way to get up the mast.
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Old 23-04-2007, 06:45   #44
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When the sailing bug bit ("me" actually, not so much her)...we had a Trojan 28, which was nice for the Great Lakes.

Sailing was a slower (of course) but more gentle way of boating & Mary liked it alot because she could just lay back & relax while I sailed the boat...which is fine by me, since we have a Beneteau 361 & it has all the toys to make sailing easy.

She complained a bit (initially) about going away for extended vacations (the original matress sucked) but as time has passed we've done things to make the boat better so we're happier when aboard.

A nicer matress & a full cockpit enclosure were two things that made her really start to like the boat more than ever...& when Momma's happy...etc...

From the beginning, I realized that for us to experience cruising, I'd have to get her to "fall in like" with the idea too...so I set about to make her comfy, & made her understand that cruising means "never dealing with winter & seeing lots of wonderful places & meeting all kinds of wonderful people."

We also have an Airstream trailer & so we often travel to places where the cruisers are (Annapolis, St Augustine, Marathon, etc) so she can meet some of the other wives that do this & learn that cruising is very possible since all these other nice folks are out there doing it.

Finally, since we are preparing to cast off when we are retired, & that's still 7yrs away, we are taking the steps we need to now, in order to make sure that when the time comes...we'll be ready.

It's a work in progress...
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Old 23-04-2007, 08:06   #45
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i regret going cruising every morning when i look out at my boat floating in the creek but instead get in my truck and drive to work. it's like a darned if you don't and darned if you do kind of thing but still it's a decision that i make.
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