Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

Actually, it's not "off topic" and very relevant these days as to why people in their 50s and 60s are still financially bond with responsibility to their kids. We were just talking about the subject ourselves today.

Nearly every family we know still has a 30 something or nearly thirty something who refuses to get a full-time job... or any job, and continues to mooch. Most of the "kids" have 2 or 4 year college degrees which were funded by the enslaved parents of these spoiled brats.

Some are moochers and spoiled but there's a large group otherwise. With 55% of marriages failing and most of the children ending up with their mothers that leaves a huge number of single moms out there. Many didn't pursue careers aggressively while married. Divorce always creates a financial drain as now two homes are being supported instead of one. For the single mom who is a lawyer making $200,000 a year it's not a big problem. But most of the single moms are making $18,000 to $50,000. A much too large percentage of the fathers are deadbeats not meeting their obligations. Regardless, you try, as a single mom with two kids and making $20,000 a year, to support yourself and the kids including child care while you're working, all the expenses of the kids. There are many who stay in abusive marriages because they see no way to survive on their own. Now there are certainly others who'll claw their way through, doing whatever it takes to survive.

The impact of all this is huge to society today and in the future. Divorce always impacts the kids. It can't not. What long term effect it has varies. The old proverb was it takes a village to raise a child. Then some said it takes a family. Well, we don't have the traditional villages or families.

And the reason this belongs in this thread is simply this leads to couples quitting cruising. We don't have a traditional family, but we do have family. We were not going to miss the birth of our "niece" and if she came early, we were leaving our Alaska cruise. And if any member of our family truly needed us, wherever we were in the world, we'd get on the next plane home.

Now sometimes helping them means tough love too. I'm not criticizing by any means one who tells their 30+ year old daughter she needs to get a job and support herself.

And to all girls growing up a simple word of advice, never let yourself be dependent on a man. 55% odds you'll find yourself without him and you won't know how to live independently.

[Group9]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

It's not off topic to people who are having to deal with it as prelude to cruising, to keep cruising, or had to stop cruising, because of it.

[exMaggieDrum]

Originally Posted by hpeer

Interesting thread. My Wife is reading it with me bit by bit, I skipped ahead.

We are not yet cruising, but have a hard go of it already. Some REAL heavy weather just over the idea. Except is was not really so much about cruising but some other things that we haven't totally worked out yet. Hopefully we will be there, or close enough by December when I retire.

I have been mostly single handing and although I like it I also find it lacks meaning to go someplace wonderful and not have someone you love to share it with. We are very deeply committed to our relationship in addition to our individual drives. It is the individual drives that put us at cross purposes.

We have spent a great amount of time, money and effort eliciting professional advice (some very good, some terrible at best) in getting over our difficulties and finding how to be better partners. We are not there yet, but the light is getting brighter (yeah, I know, a train light in the tunnel )

We have done some sailing together, some better than others. Our last trip was three weeks on the small boat on the Chesapeake, and it worked very, very well. The big boat delivery from Halifax to the Delware, not so much.

Luckily my Wife really like small spaces and is well adapted to a boat as her cave. The sailing scares her, but I see her adapt. She has made tremendous strides in dealing with sea sickness, it is now a far smaller issue. She is handling more and more tasks.

At this point we are living on our big boat 6 days out of 14. And doing that over these past two winters is no mean feat. We spent all last season doing some real heavy work on our small boat, and she was there all the way. We are doing well living aboard, that is just not an issue.

Yet she does not have the same drive I do to travel. And we just don't want to be apart. So we still struggle, trying to find a way for her to either retain her drive or redirect it in a way that allows mobility. I'm confident that once we get past this issue of her work and drive the sailing will take care of itself. Slow start, and maybe it never gets much beyond that, but that is ok.

At 65 I just can not wait any longer. For one thing I need to get out of the #%^+ city, it just drives me into a depression. I'm in relatively good shape but have had a recent bad issue with my feet (of all stupid things) that is a painful reminder of my fragility. I need to go, and soon. December 2015.

For us the answer of why do couples quit lays in our future. With luck, our distant future.

I sincerely hope that you and your spouse can sort this out so both of you are happy. One of the things that we most liked, together, about cruising, as opposed to just local trips, was the social aspect. It can be friendly in local waters but people tend to stick to themselves more and you don't interact on the same level.

Going offshore, or even to the more remote closer in areas like the other farther north of here with far fewer boats, you make friends so easy. People drop their dinks in the water if they are not already and come introduce themselves. You all have something major in common that few others in cities and even small towns have - adventure and life on boats. It was, and is, the one thing we most enjoyed as a couple. Dinners and sundowners in each others cockpits. Trips ashore or exploring the shore in our dinks. Meeting at restaurants in towns when we were close.

We liked living aboard and leaving the stress of jobs, traffic, etc. behind. We loved sailing, even passages (mostly). We both had extreme anxiety of the thought of leaving land astern but we got over that really quick.

We just met up with a couple that we met in the South Pacific yesterday. They live about 3 hours away but we are lifelong friends now. Another couple we met pretty far north up the BC Canada coast moved to our small (huge boating community) town and we have renewed our friendship. We keep in touch with others that are still at sea or came back and live too far away to see often, may be will never see.

I am a bit anti-social at times, but that was never a problem while cruising. And it isn't just friendship, there is fellowship. People help each other out in ways that your next door neighbor might now. They help you repair things, give you spare parts, help with personal issues, deliver parts to you after they go home for a visit, etc. etc.

I don't know if that would make the difference to your wife. But you won't really know it until you get to a cruising destination, not a weekend jaunt in local waters. There is some of that locally too but it is different. Good luck.

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by BandB

Curious as to whether you venture on land for trips or to visit family or just to escape ever? Ever sleep in houses or hotels?

Sure, we've nothing to escape from on the water, but we do much ashore. We sometimes rent cars and land cruise,- 'rode the mules down the Grand Canyon,- 'watched the sunrise at Machu Picchu. I have little in common with those that say they are sailing away to escape land or a troubled life ashore. We lived aboard for many years with rewarding shoreside jobs. We enjoy many things ashore and don't find stress in traffic, airports or big cities. We pretty much enjoy everything ashore except owning stuff!

[BandB]

Originally Posted by exMaggieDrum

I am a bit anti-social at times, but that was never a problem while cruising. And it isn't just friendship, there is fellowship. People help each other out in ways that your next door neighbor might now. They help you repair things, give you spare parts, help with personal issues, deliver parts to you after they go home for a visit, etc. etc.

I don't know if that would make the difference to your wife. But you won't really know it until you get to a cruising destination, not a weekend jaunt in local waters. There is some of that locally too but it is different. Good luck.

Something not discussed is "Pace". One cruiser rapidly goes from place to place while another does spend enough time at each location to meet people and develop fellowship. Some never go back to the same place while others pass back through once a year or so. One anchors as far away from everything as they can while another anchors close to a marina or a park so they can dinghy to shore and other people.

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by BandB

Something not discussed is "Pace". One cruiser rapidly goes from place to place while another does spend enough time at each location to meet people and develop fellowship. Some never go back to the same place while others pass back through once a year or so. One anchors as far away from everything as they can while another anchors close to a marina or a park so they can dinghy to shore and other people.

This is another important variable for cruisers. We are "cockpit potatoes" with almost two dozen transits from Maine to the Bahamas and repeatedly staying at the same places. We feel that we know people and have a sense of community in about thirty ports from Bar Harbor to George Town.

As for family, we're fairly confident with our daughter and son-in-law as they are raising our grandson aboard their boat.

[crazyoldboatguy]

It's a concern for Ms Crazyoldboatguy and me. While we have extensively cruised, it is entirely on the coastal fresh waters of Lake Michigan and Lake Huron. I am confident in my sailing, boathandling, anchoring, repairing, maintaining, skills. Long passages are something I have not experienced.

Once we launch the vessel I am rebuilding (see pictures on my profile) we will do extensive shakedown and sea trials with the boat and her equipment. I am confident we will be well equipped.

Our cruises have been for weeks at a time in a much smaller boat (28' Pearson Triton) with minimal amenities. There is no water heater or shower - but we have a head with a holding tank. We have a one burner alcohol stove and an ice box-no fridge. We have an tiller steering autopilot. We are quite comfortable on the smaller boat and it is well equipped for what we do.

So, we are going to make the leap. The house is "under contract" and we have downsized a LOT. It is all going well, so far. OK, the recently discovered frozen pipe in our soon to be sold house is pissing me OFF - but we are doing OK. We have NO idea how this will go for us. We are OK with that. After being married nearly 32 years and having gone thru much in our marriage, we can handle what we set out to do.

Our son is in the armed forces for another 4 years. He isn't married or involved - no grandchildren, yet. If that happens and it turns out our cruising days have to end, we will deal with that.

We have no idea how we will react if the whole thing falls apart. But that won't stop us. It's actually exciting.

[JPA Cate]

Normally, I'd send this as a PM, because we're dealing with extremely personal stuff, but it is all, also, part of the human condition, so here goes.

hpeer, it is wise of you to try and sort out your marital relationship before you go cruising. Whether or not your good lady is dragging her feet has to do with her drive and ambitions, we have seen plenty of water soluble relationships, usually dissolving because they brought problems with them and didn't have the skills for conflict resolution, which can be learned, but weren't.

fwiw, there are those here who consider me to be straight-laced, and one who adheres to old fashioned values. To me, I made a promise to Jim, to love, honor and cherish him, and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do my utmost to do that. It is a matter of self respect to me, to keep my word. So, it was easy to follow him, as it was his heart's desire to go cruising. I gave up my dream in order to do so. Maybe another woman wouldn't be able to live with that, maybe it's just me.

Many moving words have been written here about the life situations that can throw a monkey wrench in one's cruising plans. The thing is, until or if a final catastrophic event happens, one really just goes on living one's life, the best way they can.

__________

A64pilot, once again, you've done the right thing. If your elder daughter doesn't become independent, she won't be able to teach her children to, either. Sometimes, parents frame it to themselves that they are "helping" adult children, when the sad fact is that they keep the young person from attaining adulthood. You done good.

Ann

[JPA Cate]

Something I'd like to add to the above post (but I timed out) is that Jim made the same promise, and he's stood with me through thick, thicker and thickest, too. It is the reciprocality of it that is also key.

Ann

[rwidman]

Originally Posted by Hudson Force

There seems to be an arbitrary division into the "Chuck it all" or "Keep the land base" scenarios, but it's not that simple. There's a huge variety among those that have ties ashore and as great a variety among those who are without anything ashore. I'm sure some others, like us, could not fit into either category because we never had anything ashore to "chuck"!

Exactly. Before the question of why couples (or singles for that matter) quit cruising, we have to agree on a definition of "cruising" or "cruisers". I asked that question a while back and got a wide variety of answers, some confusing, some insulting and some very narrow minded.

There are as many reasons couples quit as there are couples but one thing is for sure; you will either die at sea or you will quit and live out your last days on land.

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

..................
............. it is wise of you to try and sort out your marital relationship before you go cruising. Whether or not your good lady is dragging her feet has to do with her drive and ambitions, we have seen plenty of water soluble relationships, usually dissolving because they brought problems with them and didn't have the skills for conflict resolution, which can be learned, but weren't. ................... Ann

The dynamic of adapting to change in a relationship and keeping a promise is honorable and admired by me though it has never been tested in my marriage. When I met Nancie in January of 1969 I had no idea that we would be married and living on a sailboat by 1971, but there was no hidden agenda or changes with my plan. She bought the whole package! Now, I am not saying that she is not one to stick to her marriage and promises, but there was full disclosure. I drew the floor plan of a small sloop to scale in the beach sand and I won the grand prize. The dream was mine, but she took it further and we raised two wonderful children aboard. "straight-laced", honor, comittment, good fortune or wisdom? 'call it what you will, but it's best!

[Mirage Gecko]

Consensus on defining a cruiser on the forum well good luck with that and to me a least it really does not matter a rats.
We are coastal sailors on the boat for about 7/8 months at a time then on land at our other home or travelling by other means for the rest of the year but I certainly consider us to be cruisers even though I already know we will never be on the boat only for more than a year at a time.For us the reasons are mainly we have too many other different interests between us that being on the boat full time does not allow.
Do I remember a pole here about the percentage of full time liveaboards cruisers as opposed to part timers like us?
Chris

[Cadence]

Is it cruising or couple?

[a64pilot]

I'd define a cruiser as someone who moves about in a boat every now and again, they may only do this a couple of times a year and the rest of the time be living on land and working, the defining point is they move about or "cruise" when they are on the boat at least some of the time
Someone who lives on a boat, whether in a slip or mooring, but the boat never moves is not a cruiser, they are a livaboard.
Now liveaboards can of course be cruisers

"definitions according to me " pure joking of course, but if you don't move, how can you be cruising?


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[FamilyVan]

This is a really interesting thread to browse and read every post. My first observation is that my perception of cruising is not the most mainstream.


1) I observe that many cruisers are retired and living on pensions. I'm in my late 30's and still very much working. My wife is in her 20's and on maternity leave from flight attending.


2) It seems most or many consider cruising to be selling everything saying your good byes and sailing until you drop. For us cruising is something we do on week ends on a regular basis and plan for longer excursions (say 6-10 months) once we have the money. I don't think we've ever considered the perpetual cruising machine- I don't know how we'd ever pay for it. I don't even think it would be that much fun, if sailing to the Bahamas every 3 or 4 years is the reward for hard work now, what's the reward when you do it full time?


3) For those of you who aren't retired how do you make sense of taking your kids out of school- for the rest of their lives?


4) Ocean passages seem to be a very popular theme. I'm a Commercial sailor- open water for me is a place I only want to be if I'm getting paid. There's nothing bloody out there, it's awful. I'd rather be close into shore watching people on beaches or meandering up rivers.


I'm going to speculate now. I'm a professional sailor, so naturally I'm not on my first marriage. When I consider my observations I think;


1) Retired couples who have never engaged in adventure must find full time travel very taxing, and at times disappointing. Of course very physically demanding too. I just have a 35 and the simple act of tacking in strong winds, or weighing anchor when my windlass is being a PITA can wear me out for the day.


2) Why do people want to cruise for so long? I under stand some very dedicated people are built for it, but isn't one of the greatest joys of travel coming home or is that just the merchant seaman in me?


3) Kids- well, I don't need to expand on that point.


4) now here's a big one, Ocean passages, not just ocean passages but general isolation and hardship. I'm a professional mariner so I've learned to endure it. But if you're making your spouse endure it, when they could be at home on the porch playing with the dog and grand kids- good luck.


Several have touched on this already, but I bet a lot of cruising couples wouldn't quit if one or both of them doesn't insist on being so hard core. You're going sailing- it shouldn't feel like work, any more than riding your motorcycle or drinking a cold beer should take over your life.