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Old 05-02-2015, 09:38   #91
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, CoupleSaver.
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Old 05-02-2015, 09:54   #92
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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A good test to see if it is really you is go sit on the ground in your back yard during some cold night between 2am to 5am dressed in your foulies, stare at some fixed point for hours and have someone occasionally spray you with a garden hose. Fun? Well one day it will happen to you.....
I had to chuckle at this as it reminds me of a reality check in my industry...

Retired airline captain is asked if he misses the life of being an international pilot.

He says whenever I do, I lock myself in a dark closet, sit and stare at the wall for hours. Periodically the wife flashes the light and after about 6 or 7 hours, slides in a tray of really bad food.
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Old 05-02-2015, 10:30   #93
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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Originally Posted by Doug Brown View Post
It's not really a life style, it is a 24/7 ball busting job.

It isn't "glamorous", it has serious "peaks and valleys" and if you can not take a joke that God hands you, you will never make it.

And it is usually just one person's dream that the other person gets sucked into.

The more successful you were in the land based world, being the hard driving executive(s) with exact plans that have to be met and "flunkies" to do your grunt work, the less chance you have of making it.

A good ratio of what to expect is 1 good day, 7 ok day's and 3 days of things going really wrong. If your mind isn't able to forget the 9 days of paying your dues for the one good day, you'll never make it.

"If you can't take a joke, don't buy a boat". Sums it up pretty good.

My wife and I have been doing it for 32 years, haven't killed each other yet but have had a couple of nuclear melt-downs and thought we were going to meet our maker on more than one occasion. It happens.

If you can't accept a surprise ever day, you may want to think it over a little bit harder before jump on the band wagon.

A good test to see if it is really you is go sit on the ground in your back yard during some cold night between 2am to 5am dressed in your foulies, stare at some fixed point for hours and have someone occasionally spray you with a garden hose. Fun? Well one day it will happen to you.....

If you can say "Well, that didn't work" and still come up with a plan to overcome it, you may just last.

i read this to the admiral and we found it just nonsense. we do not find it a "ball busting" job. we work at it a bit each day depending on where we are and what we are doing. we actually find it good for body soul and mind.

and yes we were both senior exectives and we had a lot of people working for us. but your comments just do not make sense. we have met more than one senior exec out here and they are actually doing better than most

as for good and bad days, we probably have 1 bad day to 10-15 good days. oh yea we remember those bad days but we also remember all those great days

surprise every day? our surpise is working our way into a new port or new anchorage. of course things break. they also break on terra firma.

as for the cold ect. yea we have had a few but it is like the dark before the dawn and we take these in stride. what is the big deal about it, it is just something that you have to work on and work with.

you really sound like a few old cruisers we have met along the way who are bitter and the minute they start talking we tend to wander away. and i question if you really dislike it that much why are you still on a boat.

this is one of the best lifestyles ever. it really keeps you active and young and finding new ports of call are really exciting.
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Old 05-02-2015, 10:56   #94
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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It's not really a life style, it is a 24/7 ball busting job. .................
......................................... A good ratio of what to expect is 1 good day, 7 ok day's and 3 days of things going really wrong. If your mind isn't able to forget the 9 days of paying your dues for the one good day, you'll never make it. .........................
............................................ A good test to see if it is really you is go sit on the ground in your back yard during some cold night between 2am to 5am dressed in your foulies, stare at some fixed point for hours and have someone occasionally spray you with a garden hose. Fun? Well one day it will happen to you..... ...............
I enjoy these descriptions from Doug Brown and I can see how they would be valid for some types of cruisers.

I only spend about three or four days out of the year, up all night cold and wet, with risk in perilous weather.

This is likely because we are coastal cruisers. We are true "cockpit potatoes", choosing the best of weather for hops offshore and secure anchorages or protected marinas in times of foul weather.

I'm not suggesting a favored way to cruise, but I am pointing out that there is a choice made that allows for something different from subjecting yourself to "... 9 days of paying your dues for one good day .....". Our typical days are more often with 15 knots off the quarter and anchored by mid-afternoon and very rarely include anything over 20 knots, close-hauled through the night.
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Old 05-02-2015, 10:56   #95
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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Originally Posted by SV THIRD DAY View Post

The cruise dream becomes....well it becomes like a lot of other dreams these days for a lot of people, which is something to dream about because their life sucks and dreaming about something new and exciting takes away the pain emptyness they feel.
I wrote an article a few years ago about just such.
In Short,
It was about a boat yard in the north west, where we orgionally put ours in the water, out back of the yard was a field, about 40 acres of land filled with boats in some type of dis-aray, and on Saturday morning the "Coffee Crowd" would assemble and walk around the boat yard talking of designs and the do's and dont's of cruising..

Saturday afternoon would see these people setting atop their boats working on some piece and occasually see someone leaning on the tiller, beer in hand and gazing off into the never-never..

The evening would bring out the extension cords and little lights throughout the yard.
And on Sunday morning, these same people would climb back into their cars and dis-appear out the gravel road, only to re-appear the next Saturday and repeate the process once again.

In talking to some of the old time workers at the yard, some of the boats out in the back area had as many as 5 owners in the last 15 years and the boat still stands where it once did.....

I realized that for many, the act of cruising to far away ports and deserted islands of the south pacific is just a dream, but sometimes, its the dream that keeps us alive in the work-a-day life.
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Old 05-02-2015, 11:27   #96
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

This is an old and a new topic for us. My wife sailed on dinghies on Lake Erie when she was a kid and never after that until we got an old 42' cruiser. I had never sailed in my life except for a 4 hours every Saturday for 4 weeks in a beginner sailing course. We sailed this old boat from the Pacific Northwest down to Mexico and on to New Zealand - overall 4 years truly offshore. Before that we sailed on weekends, a week here and there, and a final pre-offshore shake down cruise around Vancouver Island for 4 weeks. I was 54 and she was 52. We are now 64/61.

Our only rule: We'll do it as long as it is fun. When it isn't fun anymore, we will stop. That rule applied to every step of the way. From the time we first started thinking about it through each big step along the way. "Are we OK after spending 4 weeks out in remote anchorages". "Did we enjoy the long passage from Washington to California?" "Did we enjoy Mexico?" "What about going truly offshore for 25 days to the Marquesas?"

We had fun in all of it. We had some real bummers some of the time, but were exhilarated more times. In between we enjoyed the hell out of it. My wife wanted to know that I knew enough of the technical stuff to get us places safely. I prepared by working in a boatyard as an apprentice for 5 years. I anally prepared the boat for safety, reliability, and off the grid liveability. We took baby steps which became bigger steps and gained confidence each time. We also calibrated our enjoyment and tolerance to a different lifestyle.

But everything was mutual. We agreed on every big thing together. There was no forcing each other to do anything the other really didn't want to do. And we learned together what we were capable of and what we felt comfortable doing. We waited until our beloved Rottie passed on, sold the house, sold the cars, put the things we wanted to save in a little storage unit and just went. If we had had the money we would have bought a condo and closed it up to come back to. We did not want to be landlords - no way no how. (Fact of the matter is, if we had tons of money, we would sail farther and break it up by traveling back and forth to home and other "vacations". We don't though.)

What we did with all this was to make it a joint venture. Happily my wife is outgoing and a bit adventurous, so long as she trusted me to manage the risks - to the extent possible knowing full well that we not come back but most likely would. The couples that didn't make it down to Mexico, or split up in Mexico, mostly were not on the same page like we were. This was mostly "the male skipper's dream and the woman's nightmare". For an extreme example see: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/219703.Cape_Horn

This couple is still together (amazing) and still boat together. I worked on their powerboat once here. But there are lots of empty boats or boats with just a bitter (or happy) skipper down in Mexico. Many of the boats are sold. Many of the marriages are done. But also, many crew along the way were thrown off of boats or deserted along or at the end of passages too. Some spouses just can't handle the "differenceness" of cruising. Language, walking to get everything, culture, communications, etc. Others love it because it is different.

We absolutely loved cruising together. I would never consider doing it by myself. I know how lucky I am to have a wife who loved it equally. Unfortunately I had to do all the maintenance and repair work which really gets you down sometimes. But she was right there with me standing watches (we double handed our voyages except from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas where we had friends along). I trust her on night watch as she does me. Trust is essential. So each of you needs to earn that trust and you can only do it on the boat a step at a time.

Anyone who goes out and buys a boat, sails in on weekends with the spouse, does all the work, and then BAM! goes cruising is rolling the dice. Odds are not with you on that one. Your boat has to be prepared and so do your skills. You don't need much if all you do is hang out in marinas or anchorages and don't do more than easy day sails. But if the boat starts breaking - like the fresh water pump and you can't get it working then one or both of you may not make it. Hardy souls who rough it excluded.

We were totally worried about the 24/7/365 closeness. We fought enough on land to worry about in a small boat. You don't have much ability to get away. We both liked books and they provided some escape even if you were only 5 feet away. We had to sit there and steam more than once, and think about quitting the whole deal, or do things that might get you put away for a long time. But we actually got closer than we had ever been. It was a pleasant surprise. I think we actually did, and may be still do, fight more on land.

But I am an inveterate explorer at anchorages and marinas. I'll go off by myself for hours at a time and just wander. This gave us both alone time. She went back to the US to work for months at a time. If we didn't need the money she would not have done that. I stayed on the boat by myself those times and I pretty much hated it, but I survived by finding things to do, and more exploring. And you need a hobby that you can do on your own to escape as well - fishing, reading, crafts, hanging out with friends. I should note that some couples don't make it because of alcohol and/or drugs. Some people's escape is oblivion. That has split people up or make it hazardous to health and happiness, alone or together. There are too many lonely drunks on boats by themselves.

And of course, medical, financial, family, etc. issues.

We mixed it up by buying clunker cars in Mexico and New Zealand. That allowed us off the boat and we didn't have to walk so much to do simple things. That was great and took away one of the hardest things to deal with when cruising - lack of mobility. We used buses when possible but usually there were none. So we walked. We got fit. Our college clothes fit us again. We were proud of ourselves and our self-reliance. We did it as a team.

We knew one couple from years ago, and still consider them friends, where the skipper who was driven to go cruising was the woman. Her husband really didn't want to do it but they decided together that they would do it for a few years and then get out of it. They sold in Australian and now do others things in their retirement. Great couple.

In fact we didn't really know too many people who really didn't like each other. That may be because we didn't hang around unhappy people who didn't like what they were doing. One of the things that bound us together even more were the friendships we made - lifelong and temporary. You cruise from place to place and run in to many of the same people you hung out with before. We still hang out with people we met in Mexico and New Zealand 10 years ago. We keep in tough with more. They were all couples.

A few were "kid boats" - those with small children. Almost none had teenagers or older. 95% of them were happy - kids and parents. The only issue for them was to find other kid boats for the kids to hang out together. But they all stayed together.

Like I said above, we made decisions together. If one of us didn't feel comfortable doing something, we didn't do it. We might get persuaded but it had to be a soft sell. Never "do it my way or the high way".

Starting out we hated our corporate, big city lives. Both of us. We had some money but it wasn't doing it for us. Burnout. We wanted to do something different, something exciting. But we had no kids and no family nearby. That helped. Some couples argue about visiting the kids or parents or whatever. Miss their friends. Oh, the grandmother can't imagine not being with the new grandbaby. Grandfather wants to keep going. Splitsville. Or just grumble inside themselves and are miserable. If that's important you need to work it out.

So now we are starting over with another boat. One that I will spend the next couple of years fixing up to go out. My wife wants to do it too. But we won't do it unless we both want to do it and so long as it is fun. No pressure. No regrets. And we aren't scared of not seeing land disappear on the horizon. But if one is and doesn't get over it (not implying anything negative) then I don't recommend it. It'll bite you later, only in a different place farther away.

Several have mentioned how much comfort they get from having a safety net to come back to - house, cars, stuff. That is essential for some people. Takes a lot of pressure off the relationship knowing you can escape and get back without a life altering screwup. We did it the other way and have spent the last 5 years re-accumulating "stuff" that we sold or gave away before the first trip. We want the easy back scenario so we can make decisions based on fun and not worry

Hope some of this makes sense. Everyone is different but this worked for us.
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Old 05-02-2015, 11:45   #97
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

After 8 years full time on our boat, we are just looking for the next adventure. We feel we have done a lot by boat, but there are a lot of other ways to spend your life (besides a full time 9 to 5 job), and we want to do some of those other things.

You only live once, so do what makes you happy for as long as it does. No doubt full time sailing/cruising is not all a "dream", far from it. It's a life, like any other, with good parts and bad parts. Looking to "escape" to the idyllic cruising life is a recipe for being severely disappointed.
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Old 05-02-2015, 12:24   #98
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

Back in the mid 80's when I sailed often, I was on the boat dock in Clearwater Beach, having a heart to heart talk with a Artist, who also lived aboard his 44' Morgan, he taught classes but was in his late 60's still active, but single and had fun dancing on shore at the clubs. He told me of all the places he'd been and the wonderful adventures his life was filled with for many years, but he had become lonely for female companionship, and made sure to tell me, as I was just in my mid 30's that this life isn't for everyone, especially as you grow old, he said "women just don't want to live aboard a boat, later in life" and maybe he was right, here he loved his lifestyle, but couldn't find a mate with that same dream. I'm sure he was getting ready to reconsider and become a landlubber, with a lot of good memories to take with him to the end...Because Loneliness can be a real deal breaker for a man in the sunset of his years. . .!
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Old 05-02-2015, 14:22   #99
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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Back in the mid 80's when I sailed often, I was on the boat dock in Clearwater Beach, having a heart to heart talk with a Artist, who also lived aboard his 44' Morgan, he taught classes but was in his late 60's still active, but single and had fun dancing on shore at the clubs. He told me of all the places he'd been and the wonderful adventures his life was filled with for many years, but he had become lonely for female companionship, and made sure to tell me, as I was just in my mid 30's that this life isn't for everyone, especially as you grow old, he said "women just don't want to live aboard a boat, later in life" and maybe he was right, here he loved his lifestyle, but couldn't find a mate with that same dream. I'm sure he was getting ready to reconsider and become a landlubber, with a lot of good memories to take with him to the end...Because Loneliness can be a real deal breaker for a man in the sunset of his years. . .!
We have seen just this situation several times. We have also seen where a sailor who got divorced, or his/her spouse died, whatever and then, he/she finds another sailor who was in the same situation (can't come to say boat) and they hooked up. Pretty hard to get that exact combination but it does happen. Not easy but have seen it. Gotta feel for this old salt though. Wish him the very best.
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Old 05-02-2015, 14:44   #100
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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It's not really a life style, it is a 24/7 ball busting job.

It isn't "glamorous", it has serious "peaks and valleys" and if you can not take a joke that God hands you, you will never make it.

And it is usually just one person's dream that the other person gets sucked into.

The more successful you were in the land based world, being the hard driving executive(s) with exact plans that have to be met and "flunkies" to do your grunt work, the less chance you have of making it.

A good ratio of what to expect is 1 good day, 7 ok day's and 3 days of things going really wrong. If your mind isn't able to forget the 9 days of paying your dues for the one good day, you'll never make it.

"If you can't take a joke, don't buy a boat". Sums it up pretty good.

My wife and I have been doing it for 32 years, haven't killed each other yet but have had a couple of nuclear melt-downs and thought we were going to meet our maker on more than one occasion. It happens.

If you can't accept a surprise ever day, you may want to think it over a little bit harder before jump on the band wagon.

A good test to see if it is really you is go sit on the ground in your back yard during some cold night between 2am to 5am dressed in your foulies, stare at some fixed point for hours and have someone occasionally spray you with a garden hose. Fun? Well one day it will happen to you.....

If you can say "Well, that didn't work" and still come up with a plan to overcome it, you may just last.
Hey Doug - I think you should try getting a catamaran - seriously - you can't be sailing one to feel this way about sailing
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Old 05-02-2015, 15:03   #101
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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i read this to the admiral and we found it just nonsense. we do not find it a "ball busting" job. we work at it a bit each day depending on where we are and what we are doing. we actually find it good for body soul and mind.

and yes we were both senior exectives and we had a lot of people working for us. but your comments just do not make sense. we have met more than one senior exec out here and they are actually doing better than most

as for good and bad days, we probably have 1 bad day to 10-15 good days. oh yea we remember those bad days but we also remember all those great days

surprise every day? our surpise is working our way into a new port or new anchorage. of course things break. they also break on terra firma.

as for the cold ect. yea we have had a few but it is like the dark before the dawn and we take these in stride. what is the big deal about it, it is just something that you have to work on and work with.

you really sound like a few old cruisers we have met along the way who are bitter and the minute they start talking we tend to wander away. and i question if you really dislike it that much why are you still on a boat.

this is one of the best lifestyles ever. it really keeps you active and young and finding new ports of call are really exciting.
Yeah Chuck - must say I also read this and your response to the Admiral - we find your reply 'spot on' and in line with our thinking. This seriously is the best life we could ever wish for - if it had absolutely zero challenges it would take the adventure right out of it! I think the trick is do a little maintenance job every day and not let things get away from one
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Old 05-02-2015, 16:24   #102
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

Hello all! I loved reading these. My husband and I are getting ready to invest in a motor yacht to live aboard. We have both spent plenty of time on the water (he is former navy), and we are both super excited about it. We are playing safe, though. We will be in a marina, and we will limit cruising to the Gulf Coast areas of Alabama and Florida. We lived in a large RV on Keesler AFB in Biloxi for 3 yrs, and we loved it. One question I do have is this; we are looking at buying an older boat (80's), as we can get more boat for the money. We are looking only at well kept boats and understand that there will be "work" to do. Is there anything specific we should look at? We know it is constant maintenance and are ok with it. Thanks in advanced.


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Old 05-02-2015, 16:27   #103
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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"The golden age of cruising is over"? I don't accept this at all!
This was just one opinion and not mine. However, there is another thread on the exumas going on right now and the development associated with it.
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Old 05-02-2015, 20:12   #104
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

Such good timing for this thread.

Last night, raining February night so wet even the ducks were complaining, woke up to fresh water pump running. Opened sole boards to steam in the bilge, hot water heater hose blew off. Morning fire up stove for coffee, LPG empty... Oooooops.


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Old 05-02-2015, 20:59   #105
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Re: Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

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Such good timing for this thread.

Last night, raining February night so wet even the ducks were complaining, woke up to fresh water pump running. Opened sole boards to steam in the bilge, hot water heater hose blew off. Morning fire up stove for coffee, LPG empty... Oooooops.


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Well, that would sure be one of the down days for any cruiser. No coffee - I'm throwin in the towl!

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