Why Do Cruising Couples Quit

[rsysol]

Just our experience, we cruised with three other boats last season, all with kids. The three other boats all had to go back to work after a years cruising. All three couples are splitting up (or in the process).

My wife and I continue to cruise and are doing just fine.

I have no idea if this is germane to this thread or not, it just seems odd that the ones who returned could not make it as couples.

[oldragbaggers]

Originally Posted by rsysol

Just our experience, we cruised with three other boats last season, all with kids. The three other boats all had to go back to work after a years cruising. All three couples are splitting up (or in the process).

My wife and I continue to cruise and are doing just fine.

I have no idea if this is germane to this thread or not, it just seems odd that the ones who returned could not make it as couples.

It likely has everything to do with it. I suspect the close proximity and forced intimacy of the boat environment just hastened what was probably bound to happen anyway.

I have known couples that managed to stay together for a very long time by living basically separate lives (military life is great for this), but the cruising lifestyle makes that impossible.

[Annie in WA]

I've been cruising about 2 years now, currently in Mexico. The biggest reason I see why cruising couples quit (or at least the wives) is the Grandchildren. Their kids want their children to have a grandmother. Or, they want to be around their grandchildren. Nothing wrong with that, it is commendable. But it takes folks away from the cruising dream.

Communication is an issue. I know my husband so much more deeply now on our 34 foot boat than than I did the other 32 years of marriage. I'm happy to have deepened our relationship, but sometimes it isn't a bed of roses.

It is a bit like camping, although with lots more comforts. From a sampling I've taken, many female boaters were "tomboys" as kids.

Health is an issue. I see people close to their seventies with rotator cuff issues, knee and hip issues. Sometimes they recuperate and get back to the boat, sometimes not. And energy is an issue. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the boat, go on passages, even sit at anchor when the boat is rocking and rolling. The funny thing is though, the longterm cruisers I've seen tend to be spry, healthy, and full of energy.

The biggest issue that I've seen though, hands down, is grandchildren. Second, health.

[Saleen411]

My wife and I continue to cruise and are doing just fine.

I have no idea if this is germane to this thread or not, it just seems odd that the ones who returned could not make it as couples.

It's very germane IMHO, since this thread is about "couples" I was remiss in not raising this issue in my original post, but was concerned things would get too convoluted.

Fact is that marriages fail, and at a fairly high rate in this country. I would think that being with anybody 24/7 in a relatively confined space, under sometimes challenging and stressful conditions, would only add to the marriage mortality rate. I applaud those of you who actually do this and make it work as a happy couple.

[Mike OReilly]

We're just at the beginning of our cruising life, so I don't have any experience (and less wisdom) to offer about the end. I suspect our end will come if we run out of money, or if it stops being fun, or if something better comes along. We have no kids, and while we have ageing parents, we both have more responsible and dedicated siblings.

Speaking to oldragbaggers comments, I too have seen this before. Some couples need to be apart. Not us (at least not so far). For my partner and I, one of the reasons we are going is that we are better as a couple on the boat. Land life gets in the way of enjoying each other. Work stress, travel, money, schedules ... it all gets in the way. On the boat we have the time to enjoy each other.

[Saleen411]

The biggest issue that I've seen though, hands down, is grandchildren. Second, health.

Thank you Annie. That's what I suspected.

[Tetra]

Over the next couple of years, the wife and I are going to begin our cruising life through seasonal cruising. Starting out, we'll limit our cruises to 3 months. Maybe even 2 months. We're going to ease into the lifestyle in little bites. This will leave the rest of the year for family events, (non-boat) travel, grandkids and community activities. We can increase our cruising time if/when we want.

I suspect that many cruising couples do just the opposite. They go all in and many marriages just can't handle that.

[SV THIRD DAY]

I always here about this mythical cruise dream that is out there just past the horizon...

Then reality sets in and the cruise dream is that RV that is in storage for $125/mo.
The cruise dream is the ATV used once a year.
The cruise dream becomes the standard 50% divorce rate.
The cruise dream becomes the work out bike in the corner or the unused gym membership.

The cruise dream becomes....well it becomes like a lot of other dreams these days for a lot of people, which is something to dream about because their life sucks and dreaming about something new and exciting takes away the pain emptyness they feel.

The problem turns out that when they finally reach the "dream" they find out that THEY are still in it and ka-pow...the dream didn't fix what they were looking for, so another dream is put on the table and the preparations begin.

In short....the cruise dream ends for many people because it was just that...a dream! A reality that never existed, because as anyone that has cruised full time for a few years can tell you, the dream and reality of cruising are as different as water in your engine or transmission oil!

[Mirage Gecko]

One reason could be a lot of people have multiple interests.
For us we are now on the boat away from or home port cruising for about 7 months of the year with the rest of the time occupied with land travel ,boat jobs and family out of our house near Brisbane neither of us wants to be without a land base and or on the boat full time.
Like Weavis I and sometimes we have travelled and lived in many parts of the world with my job.I also have no interest in longterm boating in those places but more than happy to stay cruising on the Queensland coast ,Islands and reefs for the next 2 to 5 years with maybe a trip to Asia and or the Louisiades.
After that we are thinking of spending a year or three in Europe in maybe a canal boat or Motor home or long term rental house.
Then there is our plan to go to America and buy a Fifth Wheeler and huge 4x4 and travel there for a couple or so years then maybe sell it or import it back home.
If we still have our health and energy then back to this part of the world for some more cruising in QLD and some more land travel with the fifth wheeler.
Then??????
Chris

[carstenb]

Like all activities/lifestyles, cruising also becomes everyday. Sure when you're on holiday crusing is exciting. New places, new people, time to explore etc.

But the day comes when this also becomes your daily life. Now you have to find something meaningful to fill your life.

Many fail at this.

Like retirement, not everyone is happy. There is a sayin ghere in Denmark - Nobody is as busy as a retired person. Why - becasue they load up their days to keep from being bored.

Annie - I'll agree with you. Any woman (or man) who doesn't enjoy camping in the wilds, generally won't like cruising. Most women cruisers are tomboys (ya just gotta love 'em).

[Neptune's Gear]

Well, just to be different, My wife and I did a Pacific Islands trip in 2003 - took the kids out of school, and did about 8 months away. Then another 3 year trip starting early 2010, sans kids.
We are still together, 30 years married this month, and cruising has strengthened our relationship. When we can afford it (or retire permanently) we'll be going cruising again. :-) It can work, its just reality is not what most dream of....

[DumnMad]

We're over 50 years married, and never had a boat so its all adventure and new.
3 years on the boat now and found a world we didn't know existed - Boaties & sailors & fixer-uppers.
new challenges - BOAT and sailing -
new friends - special people with a similar unique set of challenges and interests.

Its great fun but the sense of adventure will fade and age will catch up - so one day we will call it quits - meanwhile ......its worth it.

[Jim Cate]

Well, here's the other side of the coin:

Ann and I met in our 40's. I'd been sailing for ~15 years then, she only for a shorter while on OPB. We started racing on my boat, then some coastal cruising down to SoCal. We had a good time together and both enjoyed the cruising parts. I had been wanting to do the South Pacific for years by then... the typical wanabee dream. The early death of an office mate and friend snapped me to attention, for he was a year or so younger than me. Started getting serious... learned celestial nav (long before affordable electronic aids) and we saved up our vacation days and in 1983 did a hurried round trip to Hawaii (7 weeks). Loved it! Got into gear, sold the Yankee 30, bought an old IOR one-tonner, spent a year getting it converted into a cruising package, and departed in 1986, headed south. Now we were together 24/7, didn't have much money, lots of stresses from all the changes, I didn't speak any Spanish (we spent 6 months in Mexico), everything was difficult... and we loved it. Lasted a year, ended in Bora Bora with dwindling dollars and returned to SF and 18 months of live aboard working... didn't really love that, but still were focused on escape. And we got married, got our fiscal lives sorted better and left again in '89... and kept going. Loved it even more with a backlog of experience and a bit more money in the kitty. We were both having a stimulating and enjoyable existence, and we lusted for more.

Did we have any rocky times? Sure we did, but the good times were always stronger, and we kept on keepin' on. Grandkids? Between us we have 11. They are scattered all across the USA. We could not be near them all, ever, no matter where we chose to live in the states. We have missed out on serious relationships with them, and that is part of the cost of cruising that you must weigh. There is no surety that such relationships would have developed with them were we not sailing. Perhaps our choice has been selfish, I dunno... but at least in my family of origin, moving away from the parents locale has been normal behavior.

Our network of friends "back home" were tolerant of our behavior, and would welcome us back when we occasionally visited. But as the years have gone by, the ties have weakened... how could they not? And new friends, mainly sailors, have taken their places in our social lives. But friendships wax and wane in any lifestyle, and I'm not sure there are significant differences in our experience from that of landlubbers. But we both enjoy the new folks, and we both mourned the loss of closeness with our old pals... but it has never been divisive in our relationship or a reason to quit.

Health issues have been a frequent issue. Ann has had some 10 bouts of surgery over the years, and some other medical issues as well. But she soldiers onward. I'm getting old (77) and surely haven't the strength or stamina that I once enjoyed. The combination of these factors has altered our cruising style, for we're far less aggressive sailors now, we do fewer miles per year, we haven't done a multi-week passage for a long time. But we still put in the days and the miles to get to our destinations, and we still enjoy the time at sea. We hope to be able to continue a few more years...

So, what is the secret of long term success as a cruising couple? Buggered if I can say specifically, but tolerance and patience with your partner come pretty high on the list. Being realistic in expectations of your partners abilities is important, and recognizing that there will be times when the other does not do as well as expected , and not being too judgmental when it happens... in CF terms, being nice! What a radical idea!

This long and perhaps boring history is simply to show that it is possible to sail on for a long time as a couple, still like each other and still want to live the life. We know it isn't for everyone, and we've seen enough water soluble romances/relationships to be well aware of the many pitfalls. But we have known quite a few other "lifers", couples who have cruised for many years and still can enjoy the life and each other. They are mostly really good company!

Cheers,

Jim

[chuckr]

We have been out 8 years and seen a lot and will give you some of what we have seen. But first us.

When we got on the boat we knew that someday we would have to get off. When? Your guess is as good as ours. Will it be age, physical condition or what? I use to be a rock climber and was a member mountain search and rescue and a certified rescue member for which you had to requal every 2 years. The last time i requalified all i heard were raves about how perfect i performed. Got in my car and told my sons i would never climb again as i knew i had given it everything i had and if there was ever a problem the outcome may not have been good. I have never climbed again except for my mast.

right now i am recovering from a ruputered shoulder tendon and had 2 screws put in my shoulder and going through pt to get it back in shape. I am 69 and the admiral is 67 and we will keep going for a while.

as for others we have met; a few examples. We were mentored on our first couple of years out by an older couple who quit after our last year with them. He decided that he could no longer function as he wished he could and called it quits. She was not happy as she wanted to continue but knew is was over.
another couple we knew quit as he began to make tiny mistakes that he never did before. she called an end to the cruising life as tiny mistakes eventually lead to major mistakes.
one couple we met wanted us to sail around the world with them in our early years and we just were not ready. about 1 1/2 years later we sailed into the bay islands and they were still there and told us they were headed back to the usa to sell the boat and get an rv. they just did not realize what cruising was all about. read to many glossy magazines i guess.

we met a few couples when we cruised the east coast of the usa and a few said they were headed out but she would say yes but we need to be back in 2 months for the grandkid birthday and then out then back in a couple of months for a family whatever. we knew if they leave it would be very short but probably not leave at all.
we have met many a couple in the eastern carib who sail the same islands year after year and eventually quit as they get bored.
we have seen a few couples who sail 6 months on 6 months off. after a while the 6 months on becomes 5 months, then 4 then 3 then the boat goes for sale. to much of a hassle and they develop a bigger and bigger life style on land and less attachement to the boat.

as for us, well we are still in fairly good shape, still find excitment in visiting new ports of call and new languages and people and food and culture. but sooner or later we know we will have to sail back across the pond and put the boat up for sale but for now we are living the good life and having quite a bit of fun at it. Our goal this year is sciliy, albania, greece and turkey.

sail on soulmates sail on.

[goboatingnow]

My experience of meeting cruisers that are getting out of boating is almost to a case, the women is not a full participant in the mans dream, and has gone along for various reasons, few of which is that she's loves the activity.

Then add a few unpleasant experiences, pressure from home, difficulties with the boat, foreign shores , and its goodbye cruising

This is typically the mans fault, usually pursuing a dream without recognising a partners level of involvement or fears.

I would leave aside couples that find they can't stand one another, thats a RTA that will happen with or without the boat.

If the man ( and I am being sexist) here, is prepared to compromise, perhaps more marinas, longer time in port, less arduous sailing etc , then these compromises often keep couples sailing. Sending your wife ahead by 747 may be the best thing you ever did