Ugh, losing my patience

[AbelCMann]

Why not talk about it with your girlfriend's boyfriend?

[topmast]

Too devious .Both of you. Slip out the back,Jack Good luck

[SV THIRD DAY]

Originally Posted by savoir

Rent out your house

Leave town alone

Next patient nurse !

Lots of words and pages to this post, but sometimes brevity is not only the soul of wit...but the most direct path to the truth.

[lorrie]

Great replies from all and there is some very valid points.
Let me see if I understand what is being asked of this 38 year old woman. You expect her to get on a boat with no money or commitment.
I agree that some serious communication is in order. She may be leaving her wage earning years as a waitress only to be left on the docks later with no way to support herself. As a woman, i would be concerned about intentions, this is real life !


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[Jdege]

Originally Posted by Dave22q

Time to get real. Don't like the offers on the house, so reject them and plan on an extended wait. GF misled you? Accept it or dump her.

Some years back I was driving across country and for about half an hour the least objectionable radio station was Doctor Laura.

The woman who called in said that she'd married a divorced man with kids. She loved him, and she loved the kids, but she'd always wanted kids of her own. They'd talked about kids, before the marriage, but it was becoming clear to her that he wasn't really interested in having more kids. What should she do?

Doctor Laura's answer was that she'd have to decide whether the chance of having children of her own was more important to her than being a part of a wonderful family that she loved, or not. That nobody could make that decision for her. But that whatever she decided, she needed to own that decision, to accept it, and its consequences.

That she should not stay in the marriage and with the family, then make their lives miserable because she wasn't getting what she wanted. They deserved better than that, and she deserved better than that.

So, the OP need to decide whether the GF's behavior is a deal breaker. But if he decides that it's not, it needs to be not. If he decides to continue the relationship, he need to accept the incident, and move beyond it. To not let it poison their future together. If he cannot do that, if he cannot live with her without continually accusing her of past dishonesty, he should let her go. She deserves better.

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by ol1970

Some really great advice here from the collective team on CF!

LOL, ok I admit money is important to me. It represents freedom though, not the ability to have more stuff. Anyway I understand I'm sort of a minority in the aspect that I have always placed a priority on being financially independent and responsible.

Relationships...not one of them are perfect & I get that, it is sort of about picking your poison as to what's a deal breaker and what is not. I have no issue being the provider I simply do not want to be taken advantage of and know we are working towards a common goal.

Real estate, damn there are some experts here and that is greatly appreciated. For now I'm enjoying the best summer in history here, on the water everyday...so the urgency to fire sale isn't quite there. After contemplating this last night, I am sort of really liking the idea of just putting the home in an executive rental program for a couple years and just forget about it. I was going to purchase a small home in the Caribbean as a home base and for a villa rental, and have made a couple of very "fair" offers by the members standards here and nobody has accepted, so the people with nice places down there are not budging price wise so no real reason for me to right now either.

Boat, admittedly my original thought over the past year was to buy something nice, but over the past couple months I decided on a ready to go used cruiser that is very modest. Like someone pointed out, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing & may have to quit or damage the boat so no need in going in whole hog just yet, if I love it the next boat will be the one I really spec out the way I want to go cruising...if not no harm no foul.

Happy Saturday, hope you all have a great day!

It's OK to be concerned about money and finances. For some reason, in recent decades that has been portrayed as evil and greedy.

The reality is the old trope "we can live on love" is total BS. Once the honeymoon is over, being poor sucks. Money problems. Particularly dishonesty about money is a primary cause of divorce.

That doesn't mean you get to be an overbearing ruler of the bank account but you need to sort it out before committing. I wouldn't drop her after one issue but I also wouldn't charge ahead without having a plan to sort it out and get on the same page. Since there is a trust issue, I would delay until you can see that she is sticking to any plan you agree to.

If you can't get on the same page or she agrees to a plan and doesn't follow it, I would suggest looking for someone who has the same approach to finances (among other things) because the relationship will be a constant drag and you will be miserable until you finally pull the plug on it.

[Dr. Sea]

Originally Posted by zeehag

but have you SAILED???????
you need to sail a bit before you motor sail out the harbor for points unknown.
if gf isnt on your team, why keep her.
same with guy, if shoe was other foot.
your decisions are YOURS to make, not ours. get real. grow up, grow a pair and do life.
btw, if you have a 7 figure house, you have no problems. except the fact you have stuff. lots of stuff. have you lived in the woods for more than 3 days ? have you hauled your own water to the boat? or to a cabin? have you lived on 12 volt electricity? you have had classes, so you know what a boat looks like-- rent one and sail it.
charter one in caribbean.
or med.
or wherever.

get experience.
while you do that solo, mebbe, iff your gf is interested in this lifestyle, mebbe she might think you mean business. many spew and never do, so how should she know without really seeing your progress.
so.... walk your talk and see what you get.

Well said, Zee!

[rlynch818]

I agree with a lot of the responses here. I applaud your adventurous spirit, and am a little jealous, honestly, but you should find a better partner to do this with. She doesn't seem to be in the same class as you as far as money goes, and I think it will always be an issue, even if you did bail her out now. And while $20k in debt wouldn't be a big deal to a lot of us, it is a huge deal to a 37 year old making $50k/yr. And is she including the lease in that debt? She doesn't seem to have her crap together, while you do. Just doesn't seem like a good situation.

Also, as you know probably know about real estate... Location, location, location. I live in a decent part of Los Angeles, and my neighbors 3br/2ba house on a 6000sq ft lot just closed escrow for $1.3m. That house where I grew up in GA would cost $75k. That same house 15 mins away in Manhattan Beach would cost $2m. But the word that raised an eyebrow for me was when you said it was "unique". I know that we stopped even looking at most houses that had the word "unique" in the description. Maybe if someone comes along with your "unique" tastes, it will sell. It only takes one person to say yes. But the longer it sits on the market, the lower the offers are going to be. If it is paid for and in a good location, rent it out. Airbnb, homeaway, etc.

There's also no possible way to compare the real estate market in the Carribean to the one in Michigan. That's a little ridiculous.

I would say go it alone until you find someone more compatible, or at least someone who is going to be honest. You couldn't possibly know this girl well if you didn't figure out her financial situation on your own.

Good luck!

[Infatuation]

Would love to have a conversation with you...I too am a "ONE PERCENTER"...I suggest you get on "Match.com" or "Millionaire match" and find a partner who meets your expectations. You can "cull" thru the candidates by a lot of different "gotta haves" and "Can't haves" . As far as the house is concerned you can find a property manager who will take care of rental problems with you being absent...all that being said...I thought about cruising, as I have been sailing for over 40 years...but living aboard and sailing to the Bahamas or the BVI...at my age...65...and in excellent health...I think I will just weekend or day sail here on the Gulf of Mex. and Charter in the Bahamas or BVI...and invite a chick that I am into...and if its not her style, when we get back home I get back on the computer...
And yes have to agree...this might not be the proper forum to discuss the above...but offers a diversion to "how do I replace the exhaust riser when the original equipment is no longer made?" I can help you there too...

[tinkrman69]

hmmmm is she a business partner or a life partner? if you don't see a difference in the two, then money must be the root of all your happiness. Altho I've never seen money make true happiness.

Love does conquer all. if you love her, then whats the problem?

[Meacenas]

I had to weigh in on this because we are in a similar situation on a smaller scale, ( compared to the OP, minuscule really). We are both around 55 and decided that we need to choose between life and work. Its money, a lemming life and possessions or living our own way damn the money.
Homes? sold, possessions, ditto, everything, right down to what we can fit under the bunks and in a couple trunks.
Now we make a bit of money and plan for the day we cast off. We have less than $100,000.00 and could care less because we are having a great time living without all the materialistic overhead.
You seem like someone that needs to have 'deals', which seems counter to what the cruising life is about. and although we cannot understand why anyone would need the kind of money you have to live a fruitful life, its what your happy with so, if you want deals and money, your on the right track. If you want to live more carefree, grab the girlfriend, give her a big kiss and a check. Your going to have to help her make good financial decisions in the future. Then leave all the mental consumer baggage at the dock,we did, its a greater life.

[HalfHitch]

Kudos to you Meacenas for finding your perfect match and perfect lifestyle! You made the decisions about your lifestyle together and are unified in it. A brilliant example for all about boating, yes, but even more about partnership! Well done.

Originally Posted by Meacenas

I had to weigh in on this because we are in a similar situation on a smaller scale, ( compared to the OP, minuscule really). We are both around 55 and decided that we need to choose between life and work. Its money, a lemming life and possessions or living our own way damn the money.
Homes? sold, possessions, ditto, everything, right down to what we can fit under the bunks and in a couple trunks.
Now we make a bit of money and plan for the day we cast off. We have less than $100,000.00 and could care less because we are having a great time living without all the materialistic overhead.
You seem like someone that needs to have 'deals', which seems counter to what the cruising life is about. and although we cannot understand why anyone would need the kind of money you have to live a fruitful life, its what your happy with so, if you want deals and money, your on the right track. If you want to live more carefree, grab the girlfriend, give her a big kiss and a check. Your going to have to help her make good financial decisions in the future. Then leave all the mental consumer baggage at the dock,we did, its a greater life.

[barnakiel]

Still, any 7 figure spread over a vastly over-optimistic span of 50 years renders 20k per year. This is by plain drawing off the top of the pile: no interest gain, no inflation, terminal value zero.

If you plug the same amount into an annuity or perpetuity formula and apply relevant rates, the amount is way higher. (E.g. US Long Term Govt's at 2% and term value equal to the nominal).

If a cruising team of two cannot live happily with 20+k a year, can one of them be happy with any other amount available?

This is not a money / debt issue. This is a love / commitment issue.

b.

[a64pilot]

Way I figured, $500K at 5%, to me a realistic number, yields $25,000 per yr on interest and you never touch the principle.
$1Mil? $100K a yr


And no, I have a feeling that on average the type that has assets of 1 Mil or more, will often spend 20K+ on Marina's and Entertainment alone.
Nothing wrong with that, just what I have seen

[ol1970]

Holy smokes, over 5,000 views on this thread!

So like I had mentioned before the house is definitely not a financial issue it is more of a life simplification issue. I've been very careful to set up the financial side of life to have a very secure future. The reality is by saving 70% of my take home pay since the time I first graduated and not inflating my lifestyle beyond 30% of my earnings, I've in essence way over shot my needs in that department. I appreciate all of your concerns and appreciate the financial advice, but I'm good. I set up a bond portfolio with a small portion of my assets that throws off the necessary amount of income I need to live on. The majority of my assets outside of the bond portfolio are broadly diversified to not hit home runs, but just singles. I don't touch the principle, my home is not in this equation, I figure I'll always need someplace to call home, but it definitely no longer needs to be this large.

I am not naïve enough to think that me and the girlfriend are going to cast off and it is going to be all puppy dogs and ice cream cones. I do not expect that I/we will want to do it forever, but it sure seems like it will be a lot of fun. When I sold my business I honestly had not planned on retiring...I left on a world trip to have fun and also investigate some other businesses to purchase. The more time I spent away I realized my heart was no longer in it, and I could not imagine spending my days in the way I had the past 20 years. 100 hour work weeks and decades of delayed gratification probably burnt me out, fortunately my prodigious saving and investing has allowed me to have choices. So after I realized I didn't want to dive back into a business I asked myself what were the best 10 days of the last 10 years...9 out of 10 were on the water. Sailing, power boating, exploring, etc...so If I have the means why in the hell am I not going to do what brings me the most happiness? Guess what, for all those grumpy people on this thread asking/telling me I don't know what its like...you are 100% right. If I hate it, I can pull into the nearest marina dock the boat Captain Ron style and throw the keys to the most deserving looking young fellow and grab a room at the nearest hotel and figure out what the hell the next adventure is. I'm going to do it though while I'm still young and healthy enough to go. To be honest as well, the people I've met while I'm out there have all been top notch & extremely helpful, not the negative Nancy's I've encountered at times here. My guess is there are more positive people than negative, at least that is my hope because if you already have a pretty amazing life if you get to be out on the water cruising.

Quite a few posters have hit the nail on the head...its a relationship issue at the heart of it. Either get busy solving it and move forward, or end it so we can both move on...period the end.