Single Men Living Aboard and Cruising... an honest look.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

Don't worry, she might first rebuild your galley and stores. She might say, "Here's list, go buy it and do not deviate from the list nor the brand."

Or she may say, "Don't worry darling, we will make due. Now go buy the stuff on the list."

Originally Posted by Nicor

A truer statement has never been spoken before, about women anyway.

I wouldn't blame a partner moving out of her world and into yours to want to make it better suit her needs. In fact I'd encourage it if it made her more comfortable. But it might work better for both if she asked if she could change your boat around to better suit her needs, and then offered to pay 1/2 the cost. Now THAT would impress the heck outta me, make us both feel more comfortable, and I'd probably love her and the new galley configuration because of it!

Perhaps a good example of giving vs. taking, offering vs. expecting, appreciating vs. being entitled. Both options might get her what she wants, but only one accomplishes it without potentially incurring potential resentment & bad feelings. Besides, it can end the suspense of whether the relationship is workable. If the guy is so set in his ways that he can't even compromise on galley preferences, then it should signal the woman that he won't compromise on more consequential things. And if the woman demands the changes w/o considering the guy's needs, then it's time to suggest she start looking for another boat to reconfigure.

[Edit for Political Correctness: Please substitute he/him/guy with she/her/woman as needed but for same analysis & result.]

[SV THIRD DAY]

Originally Posted by Exile

[Edit for Political Correctness: Please substitute he/him/guy with she/her/woman as needed but for same analysis & result.]

Just use zi and you're good

[Exile]

Originally Posted by SV THIRD DAY

Just use zi and you're good

C'mon now. You already know how inept I am with the PC program. And here I thought I was doing so well spelling it all out.

[wolfgal]

Only can pop in for one minute...

first off, i think you guys are great! you are communicating with all of us at large, sharing your views, your lives, your experiences. sometimes you take a hit and bounce back right away or later or whenever... but you do (or, at least the ones still reading this do). sometimes it takes courage to come back and reshape the identity you have taken on with the last post...

and i do appreciate this thread for allowing us to be more courageous in revealing one's thoughts and feelings more safe, more easy. i also figure that, among you, there are plenty like me, who tend to be able to write more easily than speak and, so, i'm still hopeful that something good that comes from all of this.

actually, i think that something really important JUST has - the bit about those who write about what they are willing to give instead of what they want. Wow! What a constructive observation!!! thank you! I'm going to re-read these posts and give them some thought!

now, behind the scenes, and in my inbox, there have been a few very different exchanges that have given me reason to feel even more optimistic still. i chatted with one guy about something awful that happened to me not too long ago (to put it bluntly, i was raped. don't worry, i'm fine, and don't apologize: it was a wake-up call for my naive side - and i still love sex, so no problem there).

But it was in this conversation that i realized that it could very well be that many of us (both male and female, yet i'm thinking more of us females for the moment here) carry in a deep and hidden space within negative emotions (and it could be from any kind of experience, from being disappointed by one's father to not having gotten that promotion because of motherhood) ...and then allow that experience to seep into and shape the tone of our responses.

we all have our baggage and the pain that comes from lugging it around. how we let that shape our world-view is only up to us, and yet it is sometimes the most difficult thing to control.

my point being, each of us can ask ourselves what baggage is shaping our perspective and our reactions to the guys on here (who are doing their best to open up). and, i'd like us to remember that we do not have the monopoly on victimhood. men get hurt, terribly hurt. so many men out there need a hug just as badly as you and me.

i've got more that wants to jump out my fingers but have run out of time.

cheers!

[Olddan1943]

Originally Posted by Exile

I wouldn't blame a partner moving out of her world and into yours to want to make it better suit her needs. In fact I'd encourage it if it made her more comfortable. But it might work better for both if she asked if she could change your boat around to better suit her needs, and then offered to pay 1/2 the cost. Now THAT would impress the heck outta me, make us both feel more comfortable, and I'd probably love her and the new galley configuration because of it!
[Edit for Political Correctness: Please substitute he/him/guy with she/her/woman as needed but for same analysis & result.]

What would impress her more, if she could convince you of the benefits, that you pay for the entire upgrade.
Of course if she wants the interior teak painted, you might want to convince her otherwise.

[wolfgal]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Yes, I do think it’s simple math, tornadoes, hurricanes etc happen if your land living too. Reason we have Insurence.
Personally I believe on a 30 ish boat in good shape that is in sustainment phase as opposed to being refit, $3,000 a month ought to pretty much allow you to do anything you want, within reason and be sustainable forever. There will always be catastrophes, you can only plan for those, you cannot control them.
Airplane crashes? Strange statement, where did that come from?
You need to decide what your goals are, cause I believe that will define the requirements of the boat, and that will determine costs.

Thanks A64 for the figure. Will send a pm about the rest.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

What would impress her more, if she could convince you of the benefits, that you pay for the entire upgrade.

No doubt, unless zi's (how about that one Third Day ) a self-absorbed taker and it's still too early for a dumb-ass like me to have figured it out. Or worse, I have figured it out but am smitten and so desperately trying to talk myself into making it work. . Asking zi(!) to go "Dutch" on the upgrade and seeing how she reacts might be a good sign of things to come (for better or worse). But the money deal was just an example. You need to find out -- the earlier the better -- whether you're hooking up with someone who is willing and interested in reciprocating whatever you may be offering in exchange. It's just too easy to hang in there, going to uncomfortable if not extreme lengths to "make it work," all the while thinking the other person will "change."

I'd like to tell you it's more words of wisdom, but if wisdom had anything to do with it I never would have had to learn this stuff through direct experience! Assuming I have actually learned and this isn't just all talk that is. Couples like Boat Poker and his better half are the wise ones . . . or maybe just got hooked up early in life (when nobody knows anything) and got lucky!

[Nicor]

Originally Posted by Exile

I wouldn't blame a partner moving out of her world and into yours to want to make it better suit her needs. In fact I'd encourage it if it made her more comfortable.

I can't see me going along with that, not using your definition of 'partner' as you defined it there.

let me see if i can explain that better.
Lets assume i am crossing Atlantic and i would like someone to go with.
She would have to know more than me (not hard).
I am not looking for anyone to jump in bed with.
If she wants to run around the boat naked, that's fine.
I'll look of course just to what she looks like, but make a comment like 'good body'. No.
To me that insinuates you wanting to jump in bed.

Now she could either buy her own ticket back where ever, or sail on south with me to where more cruisers are and sign on another boat to somewhere.

The boat expenses are mine and mine alone.
I would not know how to split the food cost as when she leaves, she actually own 1/2 of what is left.

We are not partners, would i call it friends, doubtful.
Part of the crew? maybe but if i was to put a rank on it, it would have some higher meaning.

Don't know that i explained it that well, but that's the way it came out.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by Exile

No doubt, unless zi's (how about that one Third Day ) a self-absorbed taker and it's still too early for a dumb-ass like me to have figured it out. Or worse, I have figured it out but am smitten and so desperately trying to talk myself into making it work. . Asking zi(!) to go "Dutch" on the upgrade and seeing how she reacts might be a good sign of things to come (for better or worse). But the money deal was just an example. You need to find out -- the earlier the better -- whether you're hooking up with someone who is willing and interested in reciprocating whatever you may be offering in exchange. It's just too easy to hang in there, going to uncomfortable if not extreme lengths to "make it work," all the while thinking the other person will "change."

I'd like to tell you it's more words of wisdom, but if wisdom had anything to do with it I never would have had to learn this stuff through direct experience! Assuming I have actually learned and this isn't just all talk that is. Couples like Boat Poker and his better half are the wise ones . . . or maybe just got hooked up early in life (when nobody knows anything) and got lucky!

Here's what my opinion on this is: first, of course, it is up to each to do what s/he thinks fit, so this may not fit for some of you.

But it is more complicated than each staying true to him/herself. If ownership of the boat is not joint, then you'd have to explain to this little white duck why she should invest in it. She's given you the benefit of her input. She's still financially responsible for herself for the rest of her life, and those later years have high medical costs for most of us. It would not be a good investment from a financial point of view. ...Of course, if she is quite wealthy, it might be different.

You might be able to sell her on the concept of an investment in the relationship. If there is commitment to the relationship from both partners, doing that works out more easily.

You can talk together about what exterior manifestations of commitment are required from each partner for the other one to feel comfortable. It may be quite uncomfortable to imagine doing it--it involves exposing one's fears, and isn't easy for people to do. It can, however, create a great leap forward for the relationship.

Ann

[boatpoker]

A close and intimate relationship is a partnership. Two people living in a small space would be unrealistic to think there would be no compromises. Compromises do not have to be difficult, if done with a generous spirit both win.

Sharon gave up a very nice suburban house to come live with me in 38X12'. I let her put paintings on the bulkheads and six (6 I tell ya!) pillows on the bed. As I type this there is a vase of fresh cut flowers next to me on the saloon table, she seoarates my whites ..... Oh my god, what have I done ?

Fair trade, we both win

[hamburking]

Originally Posted by boatpoker

I let her put paintings on the bulkheads and six (6 I tell ya!) pillows on the bed. As I type this there is a vase of fresh cut flowers next to me on the saloon table, she seoarates my whites ..... Oh my god, what have I done ?

Sounds like an absolute HELL. Dump her at the next port and get your boat back to manly condition.

[Olddan1943]

Originally Posted by boatpoker

I let her put paintings on the bulkheads and six (6 I tell ya!) pillows on the bed. As I type this there is a vase of fresh cut flowers next to me on the saloon table, she seoarates my whites ..... Oh my god, what have I done ?

Fair trade, we both win

6 pillows on one bed? Must be a really big bed.

Hmmm, I wear my clothes together so why shouldn't they be washed together?

[Nicor]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

6 pillows on one bed? Must be a really big bed.

Hmmm, I wear my clothes together so why shouldn't they be washed together?

Me too. why run two loads when one will get the job done in half the time and save money to boot?

[Olddan1943]

Honest folks, the below is a joke.
------------------------------------
Wanted one very beautiful, well mannered, soft spoken woman, unmarried, no kids, registered nurse specializing in ER medicine and cardiac care, has own medical and dental insurance. Good disposition, 25- 45 years old about 5ft, weight between 80 an 105#, loves to cook, clean and do the wash. Valid passport, able to speak 3 language fluently, (English, Spanish and French), all shots up to date. Captain's license, liability insurance, experience in navigation, anchoring, line handling, marine electric, diesel engine maintenance and repair. She must be able to support me and my boat beyond my expectations. Not on any FBI nor Interpol watch list.

In return, I will provide one, really old, grumpy, uncompromising man, house broken, reasonable table manners, with an AED and no socially redeeming values, who owns a boat and drinks cheap wine, smokes cheap cigars, not interested in socializing nor marriage, goes to bed early.
Washer/drying provided.

Serious applicants only. Please apply in person between 7am and 8pm. Be prepared to demonstrate your cleaning and cooking skills. A trial of 1 months followed by a highly critical evaluation.
----------------------------------

Did I leave anything out? LOL

[Olddan1943]

Originally Posted by Exile

=
If the guy is so set in his ways that he can't even compromise on galley preferences, then it should signal the woman that he won't compromise on more consequential things. And if the woman demands the changes w/o considering the guy's needs, then it's time to suggest she start looking for another boat to reconfigure.

I tell women, if they go about rearranging my galley for their convince, it will be their galley and no longer will I cook.
I do not like to look for things that are not in their 'proper' place. If I fail to return it to the proper place, it is as good as lost. LOL