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Old 10-07-2013, 00:14   #1
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Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

For the last seven years, we have been dreaming about moving onto a boat and sailing to parts unknown, preferably warmer places, ( or should I say I have been dreaming) .

I bought a small sturdy TS Hartley first to get some practice sailing on salty water instead of puddling about on a pacer on small lakes. I lovingly sanded. scraped. painted and polished and enjoyed sleeping in a rocking boat close to the water ( sometimes in water- retractable, leaky keel;-) .

My husband found it too uncomfortable, So then we bought a 34 foot steel Boro Temptress, solid girl that needed lots of TLC. At first I worried about a project boat, ( I wanted to go right then and there. I'm not usually impatient , just felt it was time to act on gut feeling for a change) but the project boat was a great teacher about boat systems, the challenge of rust, how to sail a minimalist boat and a wee bit about diesel engines. We put a pilot house on so it has enough headroom at least in one spot.

Welding too is a useful skill, but my it's murder on fingernails. She still needs work, but not that much. I spend a lot of time learning what I can about navigation, weather and a myriad of other boaty bits and pieces. I hate scraping barnacles and antifouling her, but I do like to see her when her bottom is clean... many have said on this forum before , nothing teaches you quicker than experience on the water. I need lots more practical experience before I could even begin to call myself even a newbie sailor.

My dream of living aboard is about living more simply and meeting people when I feel like it and sailing off to somewhere secluded when I don't, while collecting stories to keep me company in my dotage. A month ago, he tells me, " I really don't want to go off shore sailing, but I am happy to mess about in boats, let's buy another type of boat, a fishing boat and do that one up."

Then he bought a bus. ( safer). I am getting used to him being the 'sensible ' one . Now I am thinking...do I try to sign on as crew somewhere to learn more,or modify my boat so I can sail her short handed, to at least get up the East coast of Oz to some place warmer, just to check if my ideas are a romance? Or be happy that a bus can still drive along coastal shores, to warmer places and doesn't have a stern gland?

Thanks for letting me muse out loud.
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:31   #2
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Depends on how much you want to be married!
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:40   #3
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Ha my wife is the same she cant live without the cook and cleaner. Me well i could live in a one bed shack, so I bought my little boat and love it, currently planning a trip to Tassy next summer.

Why cant you have both? " he tells me, " I really don't want to go off shore sailing, but I am happy to mess about in boats, " why must you go off shore? would he like coastal you could sail to a place he could drive his bus, I know what id prefer. its a case of compromises, just have a open frank discussion and give and take, then you can both be happy.
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:44   #4
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

:-) @ Boracay, aye it does. looks like I need to think about learning about buses and road maps. ( maybe I could get away with short sabbaticals and meet up with the bus along the way?)
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:51   #5
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Set the boat up for shorthanded sailing - and see where that takes you (and him), doesn't have to be a forever plan now.

Mix up travels by boat with you alone, with him and with others - and if possible by him bringing the van along to meet you (really useful having shore transport, plus with a van gives you scope to explore well inshore - most bits of places are not all on the coast!).

Where all that takes you both is one for the fates to decide - might be a compromise that suits you both, no reason why he can't do the odd extended passage mixed up with arrival by jumbo jet and just enjoy the floating around on boats wherever it is. To be fair to him (and others) messing around in boats (especially the being cold, wet and scared thing!) is not to most people's taste - and can even also be incredibly boring.

But the good news is that if you decide to later trade in, with your skill set and attitude likely will be a q forming...........
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:53   #6
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

You can split your time. We split our time between Rain Dog(boat) and buttercup(17ft egg trailer). It is do able and fun.
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Old 10-07-2013, 00:54   #7
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My guess is you'll enjoy it out there. If you've done that much work and still have an upbeat outlook you're definitely sailor material. Sailing is maybe 49% bs and 51% awesome.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:13   #8
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by watergypsy View Post
......
My dream of living aboard is about living more simply and meeting people when I feel like it and sailing off to somewhere secluded when I don't, while collecting stories to keep me company in my dotage. A month ago, he tells me, " I really don't want to go off shore sailing, but I am happy to mess about in boats, let's buy another type of boat, a fishing boat and do that one up."

Then he bought a bus. ( safer). I am getting used to him being the 'sensible ' one . Now I am thinking...do I try to sign on as crew somewhere to learn more,or modify my boat so I can sail her short handed, to at least get up the East coast of Oz to some place warmer, just to check if my ideas are a romance? Or be happy that a bus can still drive along coastal shores, to warmer places and doesn't have a stern gland?

Thanks for letting me muse out loud.
It really depends on how much time you want to spend with your husband.

I absolutely love sailing/cruising (if I could think of how to put it more strongly I would ). I have lived on the water full time for six years now. But if my husband suddenly said it was not what he wanted to do, we would find another mutual interest to pursue. This has worked well for us for 34 years.

Other people tackle this differently, spending nights, weeks or months apart each year if one spouse does not want to be on the water.

There is no universal "best" solution. It depends purely on what works for the two of you.

PS At least your husband says he is still "happy to mess about in boats". It could have been worse. Some partners just decide they don't want to spend much time on the water at all.
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Old 10-07-2013, 02:05   #9
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

You do need to work this out, otherwise the slow death of a dream will fester.

Some people just cannot handle some aspects of life at sea - for some it is the feeling of insecurity because the boat is heeling over, for others it is the lack of personal space, and for some it is the lack of those things that make modern life easier (e.g. fridges, showers, A/C etc).

If the basis for the problem can be discovered, you may be able to experiment to see if some other style of sailing will meet your needs without making him uncomfortable.
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Old 10-07-2013, 02:07   #10
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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Ha my wife is the same she cant live without the cook and cleaner.
You have a cook AND a cleaner? Wow, I only ever had a cleaner (who would cook sometimes). Boy do I miss her. But, TBF, now we live in a 40' boat, the need for a dedicated cleaner has gone. And at least the crew now does the laundry and cooking. I''m gonna miss her when we hit India and she goes too. Not sure how I'm gonna handle it yet.

Anyway, Watergypsy. What a horrible situation.

You suggested going and crewing to get more experience. That's what I'd suggest. The advantages are multiple:
  1. You get more experience.
  2. You would get more time away to explore in yourself how you feel.
  3. You get time away from Him, to see how you can handle being apart.
  4. You could come back and drop straight back into the old rut.
  5. If you do decide to make a change, it'll be easier having had a break.
Good luck with whatever you do decide.
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Old 10-07-2013, 02:41   #11
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

A rare breed indeed....a lady who wants to live on a boat!

I've looked everwhere for one!!!!!
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Old 10-07-2013, 03:37   #12
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Living on a bus and on sailboat share a lot in common.

A discussion where you articulate what it is about the others choice that is a problem would be very illuminating.

Of course it is a biased crowd here, but given the personal effort you have put into the boat there must be a particular reason why the mostly similar life on the bus is strongly preferable to your husband. Whatever the issue (safety, seasickness etc) you can at least address this.

If it was the latter for example cruising one of Australia's protected waterways would be a compromise. He would probably find the issue had gone away after some time on board. You could then explore further afield

BTW I would argue that touring in a bus was way more dangerous than cruising.
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Old 10-07-2013, 04:12   #13
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Talk about FIFO wives,(fly in fly out) you've got a FIFO husband. No prob, just get capable crew and he can meet you at the destination and continue to mess about in the boat when you get their.
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Old 10-07-2013, 04:43   #14
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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" I really don't want to go off shore sailing,
Go yourself, by yourself.

Its not too hard, and you seem to be able to overcome most challanges by yourself.

It will be a wonderful experience that you remember for life. Theres lots of other men out there!

Keep your own boat. It beats the hell out of crewing on other peoples.


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Old 10-07-2013, 05:24   #15
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

sounds like you have the best of both worlds all ready,even if it is un-wittingly.

during our time on the great barrier reef we met many couples who would cruise the gbr during the winter,then lay up the boat over hurricane season, then head south in their camper vans visiting friends,and touring during the summer,returning in april- may!
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