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Old 10-07-2013, 06:42   #16
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

What Mark said.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:02   #17
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

As has already been said, it doesn't have to be a case of either or, perhaps you can combine and make are really cool traveling adventure for both of you.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:26   #18
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

If you want to work on the relationship, then you will want to explore all the issues you think are important, with him, and then pay really close attention to what he has to say. A few of these conversations will probably tell you what your heart needs to know.

In the meantime, continue working on the boat. If it's set up for short-handed sailing, it'll be easier for a couple to sail it. Lots of Aussies like steel boats. The skills you've learned are admirable and transferable to other possible goals, as is your positive attitude.

As many others have suggested, his goal and yours may not be reciprocally exclusive, but that depends on how flexible the two of you are willing to be.

That this sneaked up on you makes me wonder whether there has been a long-standing lack of communication, and if so, a few sessions based on improving communication, with a social worker or psychologist who does family work could be extremely helpful, if you are open to that sort of thing.

All the best with this one, it isn't a simple one.

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Old 10-07-2013, 09:25   #19
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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Originally Posted by watergypsy View Post
I need lots more practical experience before I could even begin to call myself even a newbie sailor.

My dream of living aboard is about living more simply and meeting people when I feel like it and sailing off to somewhere secluded when I don't, while collecting stories to keep me company in my dotage. A month ago, he tells me, " I really don't want to go off shore sailing, but I am happy to mess about in boats, let's buy another type of boat, a fishing boat and do that one up."
I think part of the problem is the fantasy about sailing. I admit, I have the bug, too, but there are many ways to get your adventure/sailing fix.

Travel, boating of any kind, sailboat racing, whatever. It's easy to love the fantasy, but too many fall in love with that instead of the reality.

If you love your mate, I'm sure you can work out some kind of reality that you both enjoy.
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Old 10-07-2013, 14:01   #20
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

If your husband was in favor of the living aboard and cruising dream in the past and now suddenly is not, I'm wondering what changed. Has he had a sudden health scare? A change in health? Has his best friend or his brother had a change in health? Does he have a new girlfriend? (Not trying to be offensive here. My first husband's interest in living aboard waned really quickly when he started seeing the woman who is now his second wife.) Something has changed. Find out what it is, and then see if you can work things out. Perhaps it's a simple matter of building a shelf for his brand new CPAP in the V berth. Maybe it means (as it will for my husband and I) staying nearer to the east coast of the US until I get my "cancer free" card.

On the other hand, the new girlfriend was non-negotiable. (For me, not for him.)
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Old 10-07-2013, 15:22   #21
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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My guess is you'll enjoy it out there. If you've done that much work and still have an upbeat outlook you're definitely sailor material. Sailing is maybe 49% bs and 51% awesome.
I nominate the bolded text above for quote of the year.

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Old 16-07-2013, 15:38   #22
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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You can split your time. We split our time between Rain Dog(boat) and buttercup(17ft egg trailer). It is do able and fun.
Erika
Aye, I think that might be what we will do in the future. I am lucky I have the choice and should be grateful. 17 ft? ( now that is close living)
Adele
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Old 16-07-2013, 15:51   #23
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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Set the boat up for shorthanded sailing - and see where that takes you (and him), doesn't have to be a forever plan now.

Mix up travels by boat with you alone, with him and with others - and if possible by him bringing the van along to meet you (really useful having shore transport, plus with a van gives you scope to explore well inshore - most bits of places are not all on the coast!).

.
thanks David, did float that idea past him, might be on to something there but I think until he feels comfortable with the boat we might just have to stick close to/ or on the shore for a bit ( or until I get a better boat) . In the meantime I will set up for short handed sailing and get more confidence doing it all myself, which makes sense to me even if I was sailing in company.
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Old 16-07-2013, 15:53   #24
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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It really depends on how much time you want to spend with your husband...



There is no universal "best" solution. It depends purely on what works for the two of you.

PS At least your husband says he is still "happy to mess about in boats". It could have been worse. Some partners just decide they don't want to spend much time on the water at all.
Very true, thanks for the wise words, Seaworthy Lass :-)
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Old 16-07-2013, 16:02   #25
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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Go yourself, by yourself.

Its not too hard, and you seem to be able to overcome most challanges by yourself.

It will be a wonderful experience that you remember for life. Theres lots of other men out there!

Keep your own boat. It beats the hell out of crewing on other peoples.


Mark
Thanks Mark, going to keep my boat, ( that's one love affair that's too hard to break) as far as looking for another bloke, hmmm sounds a bit too much like another 'project' . It's taken me ages to knock the barnacles of the current one ;-)
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Old 16-07-2013, 16:03   #26
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

Anne Cate. Yes, thanks it was a frank and open conversation that helped me understand that sailing offshore is off the table for him. We talk a lot, but I think what happened, as sometimes does with people who care about each other, is that partners go along to make the other one happy. Maybe, if I am really honest I was hoping so much that it might have moved from the talking about it, to the doing, I wasn’t listening carefully enough.
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Old 16-07-2013, 16:05   #27
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

I'm wondering where hubby got the idea a bus is safer than a boat....
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Old 16-07-2013, 16:19   #28
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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I'm wondering where hubby got the idea a bus is safer than a boat....
Could be because I don't have a bus licence and there is only one seat at the front ;-)
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Old 17-07-2013, 00:15   #29
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

When I first floated the idea of a liveaboard lifestyle my sister suggested a trailer sailer. You can use it as a queer shaped caravan and drive to interesting location and when you get there put it on the water and sail away from the maddening crowd. Best of both worlds.
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Old 17-07-2013, 01:45   #30
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Re: Gobsmacked, he doesn't want to go now.

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thanks David, did float that idea past him, might be on to something there but I think until he feels comfortable with the boat we might just have to stick close to/ or on the shore for a bit ( or until I get a better boat) . In the meantime I will set up for short handed sailing and get more confidence doing it all myself, which makes sense to me even if I was sailing in company.
95% of the time a boat is moored somewhere, probably closer to 99% if also include inshore........so what I am saying is that even if Hubby not interested in the offshore / extended passages angle you still both have 95% plus of the boat use to play with, just a matter of working out when and how he gets involved / onboard.

Whilst others have mention he may be fearful or find the boat thing uncomfortable / unenjoyable - it may also be that he also simply finds it boring / simply does not "get it". Personally I kinda see boats as like Motorbikes, plenty of fun when in control but dull, uncomfortable, scarey, wet! and frustrating to be a pillion - some love it, but most don't (even if willing to do so).
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