Advice for a dreamer needed.

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by Pjoke

Hi Guys...

Actually the problem with the wife, is fear of the sea, a little trip or vacation in a few weeks is a dream for her. But she has to be able to see land. It´s been a while now since she has sailed.

I´ve been with her for over 20 years, so I know she will come around as soon as she gets some good experiences, and sees the fear is just an illusion.

And if the wife does not come around, we will still have a fantastic holiday home for years to come (-;

We won´t be quitting our jobs, both of us are self-employed so that will be a question of re adjusting (-; Which is definitely doable.

But enough about me and the ms. Any great comment on what I´ve written ?

I don't know why this thread resurfaced after a couple of months, and the OP hasn't been back so I'm probably spitting into the wind, but there are a couple of things here that bother me:

"Actually the problem with the wife" - The use of this expression is the first thing I noticed. After 30 years of marriage I've learned that problems are never unidirectional.

"It´s been a while now since she has sailed." - Opening post said she was an experienced sailor. So why has she not continued? Things to be learned here.

"I know she will come around as soon as she gets some good experiences" - Sounds to me like projecting one's own feelings - maybe better to understand why she doesn't find this a good experience.

"And if the wife does not come around" - So, bottom line, if she doesn't like it you don't care. No further comment.

[Mirage35]

And, since my wife doesn't follow this forum, perhaps chuckr can provide some more details about those French mistresses?

[Hudson Force]

Ok, I am not recognizing an exception to my thought that happiness is gained by purpose and planning. There is clinical depression and any degree of a milder form of mental condition that may impede happiness.

I had not considered this and Barnakiel is absolutely right.

I still stand by the idea that, without a form of mental illness of any degree, happiness is best attained by purposeful action and not by chance.

[JPA Cate]

Funny, to me, a lot of what you guys are calling "happiness" is what I think of as "optimism", a trait which I think gets developed quite young..

I also agree that positive self talk and visualization can improve one's sense of happiness.

When Hudson is talking about planning and execution leading to happiness, i think that is part of it, too. Meaningful activity plus learning from what one does and taking some pride in it is all part of happiness.

For happiness in a relationship, as Hudson suggested, everything being open to negotiation is a good principle.

*

Now, there are some people who would be happy doing as Lepke suggests, and purely following his or her own dream.

It could be sort of hard on the partner, but maybe they'd be better off separate....who among us can say that for sure?

For others, their commitment to the marital relationship might have a greater weight. ....and again, none among us can decide that for the OP, either.

[lorrie]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Funny, to me, a lot of what you guys are calling "happiness" is what I think of as "optimism", a trait which I think gets developed quite young..

I also agree that positive self talk and visualization can improve one's sense of happiness.

When Hudson is talking about planning and execution leading to happiness, i think that is part of it, too. Meaningful activity plus learning from what one does and taking some pride in it is all part of happiness.

For happiness in a relationship, as Hudson suggested, everything being open to negotiation is a good principle.

*

Now, there are some people who would be happy doing as Lepke suggests, and purely following his or her own dream.

It could be sort of hard on the partner, but maybe they'd be better off separate....who among us can say that for sure?

For others, their commitment to the marital relationship might have a greater weight. ....and again, none among us can decide that for the OP, either.

I remember when my girlfriend of many years left her husband she said something like that to me when we were up at my property, just the two of us. It was something like when you are no longer with your husband you will understand.

Whoooo I thought, not me. I like my life. Then one day I woke up and thought I was going to die.
Now you must understand, I needed to live and my husband needed to go to work every day even though he had retired and worked for a company That I owned. It took me some years to understand I was dying and there was no way to work it out.
You cannot say this to someone that is not there. To this day, I hate that there was no solution.



Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[Tayana42]

Originally Posted by barnakiel

Let me strongly disagree with this. I noticed people are either happy or unhappy. More like color of the hair, something we are born with or without.

I also think there is sometimes a drift through the life so that a happy kid may be a less happy adult towards their old age.

I have also noticed sudden and (definitive?) changes: like may happen in a sudden loss of one we love.

But on the whole, I believe, it is something we are born with.

Just my impressions from looking at others and at myself too.

b.

There is a whole branch of science that studies brain chemistry and psychology that says otherwise. Here is a current course offerings at University of California at Berkeley that says people can learn happiness through conscious practice. Very interesting.

https://www.edx.org/course/science-h...eleyx-gg101x-3

Also you might want to google the "Science of Happiness TEDS talk" for some more interesting insight.


S/V B'Shert

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by Tayana42

There is a whole branch of science that studies brain chemistry and psychology that says otherwise. Here is a current course offerings at University of California at Berkeley that says people can learn happiness through conscious practice. Very interesting.

https://www.edx.org/course/science-h...eleyx-gg101x-3

Also you might want to google the "Science of Happiness TEDS talk" for some more interesting insight.


S/V B'Shert

Yes! Exactly! Anyone who knew me growing up would be tempted to say I was "born unhappy". But one day I really contemplated everyone I knew to be happy. What did they do? How did they act? How did they think? It became appearant that the most obvious common traight was a pattern of "optomisim". But further thinking made me realise that they deliberately chose what they thought. They were in control of their thoughts and, most importantly, were not ruled by thier emotions. They saw their emotions as a symptom to be oberserved, not a condition to be obeyed.

That will seem simplistic to many, but for me, it was a revelation! A true satori pointing to "the secret". It took a few years of concious thought, deliberately being aware of my thoughts and choosing what I wanted. But today, for the most part, happiness comes naturally.

But happiness must be maintained conciously. You dont "become happy". You have to maintain it, seek it and choose it.You feed it like a baby and plan for it.

Happiness is not a house of cards though. Far from it. The condition of happiness becomes stronger simply because once you taste it and know how to achieve it, anthing less than is intollerable.

[Don C L]

I know this is a very old cliche but happy folks, IMO, see the glass half full and think of how grateful they are for that, and unhappy see the half empty glass and how pissed off they are for being short-changed! And it's all the same glass for all of us. So I agree with you SeaDreaming. Grateful hearts have the room ready for happiness.

[barnakiel]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

And now I am going to diagree with you!

My experience has been that happiness is a self directed thought process. One can choose to be happy. The happiest people do so! Happiness is not fated or defined at birth. Its deliberately seeking thoughts that please you and deliberately choosing to observe the fruits of those pleasing thoughts. In a way, a very real way, happiness is like self esteem. Its an inside job!

At this point, I will agree with you!

I think we are talking about the same concepts just our definitions of happiness describe different emotions. What you call happiness (a result of thoughtful and wise action) I call satisfaction.

I think it is as you said. Clearly, we can derive happiness from varied sources and we are happy each in our own way. This is good. Variation and variety enrich our experience.

Wishing you a happy day!
b.

[barnakiel]

Originally Posted by Hudson Force

Ok, I am not recognizing an exception to my thought that happiness is gained by purpose and planning. There is clinical depression and any degree of a milder form of mental condition that may impede happiness.

I had not considered this and Barnakiel is absolutely right.

I still stand by the idea that, without a form of mental illness of any degree, happiness is best attained by purposeful action and not by chance.

I must admit, having read deeper thru the posts above and the ones that followed, I have found you original statement valid.

Happiness seems a movable feast, to use Hemingway's words. Each of us can say when they are happy and what makes them happy. This may be different things triggered by different factors but the feeling is always genuine and universal.

Have a fine day,
b.

[JPA Cate]

From a question relative to the purchase of a 51 footer for a first boat to a philosophy discussion of how to live prompted, I think, by Anglais in Hull's devastating analysis.....Wow. This is fantastic, and good on us all.

I wonder if the OP ever came back? ;-)

Ann

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by barnakiel

Let me strongly disagree with this. I noticed people are either happy or unhappy. More like color of the hair, something we are born with or without.

I also think there is sometimes a drift through the life so that a happy kid may be a less happy adult towards their old age.

I have also noticed sudden and (definitive?) changes: like may happen in a sudden loss of one we love.

But on the whole, I believe, it is something we are born with.

Just my impressions from looking at others and at myself too.

b.

I believe I've read studies that prove you are correct, dosent mean you can't work on your state of mind and improve, but there's something in " sprinters are born not made"'analogy.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app