Jokes

[CaptainK]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know. I’ll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door."

[CaptainK]

A man in his eighties reads that hearing loss is rapid at his age so he decides to give his wife,the same age, a test.

She is in the kitchen with her back to him so he asks quietly "What’s for lunch darling?"

He gets no response. A little worried,he takes two steps nearer."What’s for lunch darling?"

Again she keeps her back to him and does’nt respond.

Now he is really worried so he goes right up behind her and asks again"What’s for lunch darling?"

At this she suddenly whirls round and yells "For the third time you deaf bastard we’re having pork chops!!!!!"

[CaptainK]

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!

[CaptainK]

There where three boys in a classrom: Pee, Willy and Zip.

Zip was on the table.

Willy in the cupboard.

And pee in the middle of the room.

The teacher came in and said Zip down, Willy out, Pee in the corner.

[mudnut]

Two dudes went out fishing,ran out of gas and spent two days floating around out side.And one of them started looking around the dory and came upon an old oil lamp,being lost at sea for two days had him a bit unbalanced and for a few secons thought about the old genie in a lamp storey of his youth and thinking it couldn't do any harm rubbed it profussley and to his amazement out popped a genie who started his spiel with I'm not ya ordernary genie,I'll only grant ya 1 wish and not 3,so straight away the dude said,"I would love all this water around me to be beer!""POOF"It was so ,alittle while longer and the secon dude looked at him in total discust and said to the first dude,"Nice one ya F****ing idiot!!!,Now we will have to piss in the dory"

[CaptainK]

That's a good one Mudnut!! Hee Hee!!

[CaptainK]

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

[CaptainK]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[CaptainK]

An old Indian was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.

When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."

So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.

The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.

A month later he returned again,"Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.

One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".

[CaptainK]

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

[CaptainK]

A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.
The woman says to her husband: "let's have sex right here".
The hudband says: "You are crazy. people will hear and see us".
"But everybody is asleep", claims the wife, "I will prove it to you. I will ask for water and you'll see that nobody answers me and nobody even hears what i'm saying".
So the woman says in a low voice: "Can I have some water please?". But noone answers. So the husband starts having sex with her.

After the plane lands, a man runs to the steward and says: "quick, give me water. I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours".
The steward gives him water and asks him: "why didn't you ask for water during the fligh?".
so the guy says: "No way, a woman two rows in front of me asked for water and you won't believe what they did to her!".

[CaptainK]

A man comes into a small town and starts convincing people he has super-natural powers.
He meets a guy called George who is unable to walk without crutches and asks him: "George, how would you like to get rid of those crutches? With my powers I will cure your legs so that you will be able to run like a tiger".
Then he goes to a guy called Stan who stutters and asks him if he would also like to be cured.
Stan says: "O---O---Of course I w--would like t--t--that".
So, the man invites the whole town to sit in front of a big stage, where he puts Stan and George behind a red curtain.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he says, "I will now ask George to through him crutches from behind the curtain". Immediately a pair of crutches is thrown from behind the curtain, and the audience is shocked.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he then says, "I will now ask John to speak without stuttering".
A few seconds of silence pass, but John is not heard.
"John, please, speak to us".
Still, nothing.
"John, everybody came to hear you speak, please, start now".
Then a sound is finally heard from behind the curtain:
"G--G--G-----George f-fell!"

[CaptainK]

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Garda.

The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

[CaptainK]

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

[CaptainK]

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."

"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"