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Old 01-03-2006, 23:21   #106
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Talking Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her. Kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife."Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years."

"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds. "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Old 01-03-2006, 23:27   #107
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The Bride Tells Her Husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison.' And call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile.

"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
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Old 02-03-2006, 00:29   #108
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A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
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Old 02-03-2006, 20:49   #109
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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Old 02-03-2006, 20:51   #110
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This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?"

And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
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Old 02-03-2006, 20:56   #111
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After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town.

The firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof.

Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net.

He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail.

Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.

Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt. Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.

As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
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Old 03-03-2006, 13:59   #112
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Well everybody!!

I will not post any more jokes til I get back from California. I'm leaving in about 4 more hours. Driving from Phoenix, Arizona. To Moss Landing, California. So everybody stay safe while I'm gone from the computer, ok?

I'm going out to meet Scott (Kai Nui) & his wife (Sundari) for the weekend. And check out that boat, that I have been mentioning.

Oh hey Mudnut. Hold up the fortress for me til I get back. Ok?

Later everybody!!
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Old 03-03-2006, 19:43   #113
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Hey Kai, lock the hatches, turn off the lights, pull the curtains and keep quite, K's on his way over.
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Old 03-03-2006, 19:48   #114
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I'm ready for him I'm gonna make him a boat owner before he leaves
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Old 03-03-2006, 19:50   #115
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Boat

He needs a boat, he has too much energy. A boat will absorb some of it. Nothing like sanding the bottom on a crisp spring morning.
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Old 03-03-2006, 20:18   #116
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I won't spoil his fun by telling any details, but he has located the perfect boat for him. I suspect he will be terrorizing the pacific waterways in no time.
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Old 03-03-2006, 22:46   #117
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No joke, but just a couple of years back, the Australian Navy advertised one of their war ships for sale in our Kiwi boating magazine under the classifieds section. It was "fair dinkum" (true) and anyone who came up with the money could buy it. And it wasn't rediculously priced either. Quite an affordable price. Wouldn't want to fill the tanks though.
Anyway's, I could just imagine K with it. He would be right at home and what's more, we could give him his dream job.
K! see those Pirates, go get em. he'd have a grin from ear to ear and would be off. Pirates the world over would never feel safe again
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Old 03-03-2006, 22:54   #118
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Chuckle
What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?
Carry Okies!
Still haven't figured out where K is going to mount the 50 cal on a Catalina 27. Maybe on the stern, then he won't need an outboard
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Old 07-03-2006, 17:17   #119
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Nice too see you had fun while I was gone, Alan.

I had a GREAT time over at Kai's place!!

Too bad it was only for 2 days!!
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Old 07-03-2006, 18:11   #120
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Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "Ill take the soup."
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