Jokes

[CaptainK]

The Pope and a Sailor both pass away on the same day, and in a mix up, the Pope goes to hell and the Sailor goes to heaven.

So God calls down to hell and says, "Lucifer, I think we have a mix up here. I’ve got one of yours, and you’ve got one of mine. So why don’t you just send the Pope up, and I’ll send you the sailor."

So the Pope begins to float up, and halfway he meets the Sailor. "How ya doin?" says the Sailor. "Glorious," says the Pope, "when I get to heaven I’m going to walk with St.Peter, talk with God, and visit the Virgin Mary."

Well the sailor begins to laugh out loud. The Pope asks "what’s so funny?" The sailor cooly replies, "Sir, I think your about 3 hours too late."

[CaptainK]

It was halloween and these two tan boys dressed up as Tony Hawk.

So they went to this guys house and rang the doorbell. the guy came out

And said "Hello, who the hell are you?. the two kids said, were Tony Hawk. The guy said you can't be Tony Hawk, he’s white. So the two tan boys went back to their house and they dressed up as Neo from the Matrix.

So they went back to the same guy’s house. Rang the doorbell the guy answered, "hello who the hell are you?". The two boys answered" were Neo!!" The guy said "you cant be Neo He’s white".

So they went back to their house, and came back to the guys house naked. They rang the doorbell. the guy answered "Hello who the hell are you? They answered "were chocolates, He has nuts and I dont.

[CaptainK]

What do you call a Jedi gynaecologist?


OBG wan Kenobi

[CaptainK]

Karen woke up this morning absolutly dreading the fact that she had a doctors appointment today. It has been a year since her last check-up and it is time for papsmear.

While getting her daughter dressed for school she thought of calling and canceling the appointment but decided to just get it over with.

Karen dropped her daughter off at school and realized she had some extra time before the appointment,so she took this time to go back home and take a quick wash up before going.

Karen runs in the house,heads for the bathroom,grabs a rag, and off to see Dr Jones. Once Karen is all prepared in her awful gown and lying on this awful bed Dr Jones enters the room and puts Karen legs in the stirrups and has the nerve to tell her to relax.

After about three minutes of pain Dr Jones says"my my my we sure made some extra effort in cleaning our private areas today" Karen totally ignored him because she was so ready to get home.

Once Karen arrived home with her daughter Samantha,her daughter raced up stairs and called down to Karen asking’MA MA MA MA,WHERE IS MY WASH CLOTH" Karen weary and tired answered"Sam just get a new one.Sam says "NOOOOO,I NEED MY CLOTH FROM THIS MORNING.IT HAS ALL MY STARS ,SPARKLES AND GLITTER IN IT.

[CaptainK]

There was a blonde and a burnette and a red head stuck on an island.
One day the red head found a magic lamp. She rubbed it and a genie came out.
He said, " for letting me out, you each get one wish."
So the burnette says, " I wish, I was with my boyfriend." So she disappers in to her boyfriend’s house.
The red head says " I wish, I was with my family.’ then she disappers in to her familys house.
Then the blonde says, " Aw, I'm lonely, I wish my friends were here."

[mudnut]

Your not from Boisie are ya Cap,"One's the Father,of the Other one's son.I'll spare ya the suspence!"Husband and wife"Hee Hee.

[CaptainK]

Mudnut.

Look at the far left of the screen. And look at my user name. It'll tell you, where I'm from!!

[CaptainK]

(This one here is a Monty Python classic.)



Man:
'Evening, squire!

Squire:
(stiffly)
Good evening.

Man:
Is, uh,... Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Squire:
I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man:
Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

Squire:
(flustered)
Well, she sometimes 'goes', yes.

Man:
Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge?

Squire:
(confused)
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Man:
Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good!
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Squire:
Are you, uh,... are you selling something?

Man:
SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?
(pause)
Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Squire:
Well, I, uh....

Man:
Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

Squire:
Um, she likes sport, yes!

Man:
I bet she does, I bet she does!

Squire:
As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

Man:
'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh?
Knew she would. Likes games, eh?
She's been around a bit, been around?

Squire:
She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.

(pause)

Man:
SAY NO MORE!!
Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

Squire:
I wasn't going to!

Man:
Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib?
Is your uh, is your wife interested in... photography, ay? 'Photographs, ay', he asked him knowlingly?

Squire:
Photography?

Man:
Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Squire:
Holiday snaps, eh?

Man:
They could be, they could be taken on holiday.
Candid, you know, CANDID photography?

Squire:
No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Man:
Oh.
(leeringly)
Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

Squire:
Look... are you insinuating something?

Man:
Oh, no, no, no... yes.

Squire:
Well?

Man:
Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

Squire:
Yes...

Man:
I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh... You've 'done it'...

Squire:
What do you mean?

Man:
Well, I mean like,... you've SLEPT, with a lady...

Squire:
Yes...

Man:
What's it like?

[CaptainK]

A pirate comes back to his ship with both of his ears pierced.

Another pirate without any ear rings says "Where did you get those ear rings?"

The first pirate replies "Me matie and I was at the mall and they had a special, they were a "Buck an
Ear", Arrrrgggghhhhh!

[CaptainK]

What do pirates drive?


A Caaaarrh.


What do pirates fly?


An Aaaarrhhhplane.


What do pirates sail?


Their ships....duh. (AAaaarrrhhh)

[CaptainK]

Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?

Cause you would run away too if your name was Baaaraaalrra!!

[CaptainK]

Why were Helen Keller’s fingers burnt? Because she tried to read the waffle iron.

[CaptainK]

What do you call it when Helen Keller has one finger shorter than all the others?.......

.......a speech impedement

[CaptainK]

There was a Carrot, Potato and a Dick, They were all sat round a table one day discusing who had the worst boss,

The Carrot debated he had the worst boss cause his boss chops him up and feeds him to his horse,

The Potato debates he has the worst boss cause his puts him in a red hot oven for an hour or so and eats him,

Then the Dick says my boss is far worst than any of yours. Mine sticks me in a smelly black hole to do a thousand press ups then be sick!!!

[CaptainK]

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
’ Can you do anything to help me,doc ? ’ said the man.
’ No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span, ’ replied the doctor.