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Old 01-10-2008, 07:13   #226
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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bluebird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Bluebird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Think about it !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!

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Old 01-10-2008, 14:45   #227
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There was this fellow walking down the street one fine day. His path happened to go by an Institute for the Mentally Ill. As he approached the asylum, he heard all of the occupants yelling "13", "13", "13", "13", "13", "13"... The asylum was surrounded by a very tall fence and wondering why all the occupants we yelling "13", our fellow soon found a knot hole in the fence. As he placed his eye up to the knot hole to have a look, someone inside poked him in the eye with a stick... and all the occupants started yelling "14","14","14","14","14","14",...

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Old 04-12-2008, 20:38   #228
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Dont' fart in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards! and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her .

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter .

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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Old 05-12-2008, 13:37   #229
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The funniest joke that was ever told to me was by a doctor.

The punchline (In a New York Jewish accent and a wagging finger was.....

But FOIST!!!!!!. a little Ma-Goom-Bah....!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-12-2008, 20:16   #230
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Tristan Jones, Gordo and "The" Chief Engineer go into a bar.

The Bartender...stops what he is doing and exclaims loudly.

"Hey, what is this, a joke?
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Old 02-03-2009, 19:07   #231
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So a seal walks into a club
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Old 03-03-2009, 04:48   #232
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Originally Posted by watson1990 View Post
So a seal walks into a club
Wassamatta? Didn't he see it?
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

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Old 03-03-2009, 06:31   #233
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So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
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Old 10-03-2009, 22:39   #234
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Another dyslexic joke . . .

Originally Posted by Dave the Canuck View Post
So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
Joe: Man, Pete, I was really drunk when I left the bar last night. Must'a been kind'a weavin' 'cause I got pulled over just down the road.

Pete: Jeeze, Joe, did you get arrested?

Joe: Nope, just got a ticket.

Pete: Ohhh . . . DUI?

Joe: Nope, I lucked out . . . the cop must be dyslexic?

Pete: Whaddya mean?

Joe: Well, instead of a DUI, he gave me an IUD!
"Your vision becomes clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens."
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:10   #235
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A matter of priorities....I guess.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....... that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After > about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had
landed after the cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches,and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing,
she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only
stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down, please. "Would you like a drink? No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. What's next?

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, as she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both
been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean........."

He swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.

"...You mean you've built a Golf Course?"
s/v Blue Ayes
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Old 09-02-2010, 11:20   #236
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Paddy and Mary were a middle-aged Irish couple. They were happy in
their marriage. The kids had grown and gone off into the world. Every
day Paddy would come home from a long day at work and tell his wife:
"Mary, Jay-sus, I love you!" and Mary would respond:" Paddy, for
Heaven's sake, I love you too!"
One night after dinner, they were reclining in their living room, on
their couch, watching the fire, drinking irish-whiskey (Bushmills, not
Jameson's, but I digress!) and Paddy turned to Mary and said:
"Holy-Smokes Mary-Pat-Frances-O'Neil Murphy, I LOVE YOU!!!!" She
replied: "For the love of the Holy Spirit, Mother of God, and all the
saints in heaven, Padraig Donal Conor Seamus Murphy, I LOVE YOU!!!"
and with that he kissed her passionately on her lips! With that, Mary
said: "Jay-Suss Paddy, you light a fire in my heart with your kisses!"
Paddy replied: Jay-Suss, Mary, I love ya more than my all the saints
know!" With that Paddy kissed her on her neck.....Mary replied, "Holy,
Rose of Tralee, Paddy, You are making me hot!" Paddy replied, "Mary,
you are my Mountains of Mourne!" With that, Paddy kissed her on her
bosom, and Mary exclaimed: "Jumpin' Jehoz-a-phat! Paddy you are taking
me across the River Jordan to the promised land!" Paddy replied: Mary,
You are more beautiful than the River Shannon!" With that, Paddy
kissed her on her tummy and Mary replied: "Paddy, you are more manly
and powerful than Skellig Michael!!!" And then.....
Paddy Swooped down and started kissing her on her knee.....and Mary replied:
"Oh, but Providence kind who so eases the wind
And on sailors so constantly thinks" GBS
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Old 09-02-2010, 11:40   #237
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Which Airline

A guy sitting in Danny’s Bar at Singapore’s Changi Airport noticed a
very beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
attendant. But which airline does she work for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
“Love to fly and it shows?”

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
“Oh ****, she doesn’t work for Delta

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
towards her again, “Something special in the air?”
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: “Smooth as Silk.”

This time the woman turned on him “What the f **k do you want?”

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said,
“Ahhhhh, QANTAS
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Old 09-02-2010, 20:13   #238
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Karen lost her husband almost 4 years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her
mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: " Mom, I have someone for you to
. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another & after
dating for 6 weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses, as he does, There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties , he in his birthday suit. Looking
at her he asks: " Why the black panties ”? She replies: " My breasts you can
fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning
He knows he's not getting lucky that night... The following night the same
scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his
birthday suit ... Except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him
and asks: " What's with this black condom ?" He replies: " I want to offer
my deepest condolences.

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Old 05-03-2010, 18:56   #239
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Getting ready to do the "loop" I decided I had better go to the dentist to check out a sore tooth. The dentist said sure enough I needed a tooth pulled. He said he would numb it up with Novocain and pull it. I let him know I had a reaction witch left me drooling for days. The dentist said he would give me gas and I wouldn't feel a thing. I let him know that gas gave me migraines which lasted for weeks. After careful consideration and much research he said he would give me Viagra.........."Viagra" I said. Yeah....."when I pull that tooth you are going to need something to hold onto."
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Old 12-04-2010, 04:21   #240
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in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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