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Old 04-04-2006, 23:28   #211
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The Rules

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"
His new bride smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clock-whether you're here or not!"
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Old 04-04-2006, 23:30   #212
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Lawyers Leave A Bad Taste

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
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Old 04-04-2006, 23:31   #213
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Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Old 04-04-2006, 23:32   #214
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Good News And Bad News

A man was summoned to his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

The terrible news is...
"The picture is of you and your secretary!"
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Old 21-04-2006, 20:30   #215
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The flat tire

A man was driving down the road, when all of a sudden he had a flat tire.

His car was in front of a mental asylum.

So he got out, jacked up the car,and took off the bad tire.

He put the lug nuts on the ground.

Just then, a truck drove by,and scattered all the lug nuts.

He couldnt find any of them. The man said," Damn, what am I gonna do?"

Just then, a mental patient who saw the whole thing, said," Hey mister, why dontcha just take a lug nut off the other 3 tires, and put those nuts on your spare?

The man was amazed. He said," Hey fella, youre not crazy!!"

The patient replied," I may be crazy, but Iím not stupid!!"
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Old 21-04-2006, 20:31   #216
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WHAT DOES CAMARO STAND FOR

WHAT DOES C.A.M.A.R.O STAND FOR

CRAPPY
AND
MOST
AMATURE
RACERS
OWN
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Old 21-04-2006, 20:33   #217
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Range Rovers

Whatís the difference between a Range Rover and a hedgehog?

Well, with the hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
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Old 21-04-2006, 20:35   #218
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BEFORE COMPUTERS

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spiderís home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
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Old 21-04-2006, 20:36   #219
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So Slow

A Client once asked me to look at his computer.

He said it was running so slow when he went into a Barely 18 porn site.

By the time it loaded up the girls were in the Mature Site.
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Old 14-05-2006, 01:47   #220
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Fast Pope

The Pope arrives at JFK airport, and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo-and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing by the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decison when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So, bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's is a big shot," said the cop.

"All more the reason," said the Chief.

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" said the Chief.

"Bigger," said the cop.

"Governor," said the Chief.

"Bigger," said the cop.

"Well who is it," said the Chief.

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."
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Old 14-05-2006, 02:17   #221
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Praying And Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he came from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man tha same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic Priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and a golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and a wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
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Old 17-05-2006, 11:36   #222
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A farmer had enough money to go to the whore house in town for the first time. It was a three story building and when he entered the madam sent him to the top floor. The prostitute asked him how he liked it, french style, around the world.... He interupted, "Ma'am, I'm from the country so if you'd just grab that open window's sill, I'll sneak up behind you just like I do with the sheep." She proceeded to grab the sill sticking her head out the open window and he started at it. He got so carried away that they both flew out the window to the sidewalk below, still united.

About that time a little drunk comes walking along, sees them, enters the building and asks the madam, "Is this here a whorehouse?" "Yes it is."she responds proudly. He says, "I thought so....your sign just fell down".
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Old 17-05-2006, 11:44   #223
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A farmer had enough money to go to the whore house in town for the first time. The prostitute asked him how he liked it, french style, around the world, 69.... He interupted, "Ma'am, I don't know one from the other, so whichever you think is best." She says, "Hell no, buddy. I'm a professional...what's it going to be? French, Around the World, 69...." He says "I don't know.............................what was that last one??" She says "69". So he says "I'll take that one whatever it is". So they assume the position and all of a sudden she gets this terrible gas pain and farts right in his face. Soon she can't help it and lets another one.

Finally she looks down at him and says, "How you liking it?" He says, "That is just wonderful what you're doin' ma'am, but I got to tell you the God's honest truth, I don't think I can take 67 more of them".
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Old 30-09-2008, 22:44   #224
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A sailor walked into a local bar and sat down next to a woman to order a drink. The woman asked the man, are you a sailor? (him being dressed like a sailor).

He said, I suppose so! Iíve sailed the wide oceans from Maine to Bangkok and back. I rig sails, load stores, swab the decks, can tie almost any knot, can navigate by the stars, catch fish with just a hook, line and a piece of wood, predict the weather, speak 6 different languages and never get sea sick. And then he said, so whatís your story?

The woman said ďIím a lesbianĒ and all I think about are woman. When I get up in the morning I think about woman. When I walk into a store I look at all the woman. When I go shopping I watch woman. And thatís why Iím here! Iím trying to pick up a woman.

Just then another woman came over and sat down on the other side of the sailor. When she looked over, she smiled and said ďare you a sailorĒ?

The man hesitated for a moment and said, well I thought so until now. I think Iím a lesbian!
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:22   #225
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Sex is like air, you only worry about it when you aren't getting any!
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