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Old 10-03-2006, 20:21   #136
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A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
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Old 10-03-2006, 20:22   #137
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A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:41   #138
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Blowin And Suckin

Why does the wind blow from west to east in New Mexico?

Because Arizona Blows and Texas sucks
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:42   #139
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This Wonít Fly In Texas

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he

reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and

noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"Theyíre mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"Thatís a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said

"Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but weíre not having any of that **** in Texas."
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:48   #140
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Two Indians And A Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods.

All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:52   #141
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Meaning of NASCAR

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around REDNECKS
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:54   #142
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Mexicans Canít Drive

How Come No Mexicans ever win at the Indy 500?

1. Theyíre all riding horses at the Preakness

2. They canít reach the gas peddle cause their legs are too short!

3. Their cars are too low, and they spark out and explode!

4. Those little white wall retread tires shred and disintegrate!

5. They have excess weight in the trunk from smuggling operations!

6. They always bring their relatives with them in the car!
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:56   #143
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Your A Redneck

You might be a redneck if you use a rock for a cruise control.
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Old 12-03-2006, 20:58   #144
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A Shame To Lose

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Their last big hit was "the wall."




IM sorry all you Earnhardt fans out there. But you got to admit its a good joke.
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Old 12-03-2006, 21:02   #145
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Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was sitting under the apple tree polishing an apple.

The neighborhood cop (that everyone knows) walks up to little Johnny and say Iíll give you 25 cents for that there apple.

Little Johnny replies, no way your crazy!!!!!

So the Cop Bids high, 50 cents, nope, 75 cents, nope, 1 dollar, nope, 1.25, nope, 1.50, nope, 1.75, nope, 2 dollars and thatís my finally offer.

Little Johnny replies, no way!!

Puzzled the cop asked Little Johnny why wont you sell me that there apple?

Little Johnny paused for a second and then replied, MY SISTER GOT CADDY FOR HER CHERRY, SO I PLAN ON GETTING A FRATE TRAIN FOR THIS HERE APPLE.
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Old 12-03-2006, 21:07   #146
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Alabama Cop

There was a Alabama cop investigating the scene of a crash...he sees the first car in the ditch.

So he says to himself and writes down on his note pad..."first car found in ditch...D-I-T-C-H. second car, found in ditch...D-I-
T-C-H.

He sees the girls head and he says to himself "girls head found on boulevard."

He starts writing on his pad of paper..."girls head found on the B-..." he thinks of how to spell boulevard and canít figure it out.

So he erases the "B" and says to himself...**** IT!! so he reads over what he wrote already..."girl head found on the..." kicks the girls head across the boulevard "girls body found in ditch...D-I-T-C-H"
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Old 15-03-2006, 14:54   #147
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Partial Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How
many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Old 15-03-2006, 14:55   #148
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Landmines

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission.

During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
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Old 15-03-2006, 14:57   #149
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Crotchless Panties

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday.

So she bought a pair of crotchless panties.

That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagled.

"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"
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Old 15-03-2006, 14:59   #150
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A man was walking by, when he seen a lad all sad.

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.

"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.

"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"
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