Is it easier to be Married?

[ArtM]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

Will being legally married really make any difference?

Do you want to be the one who discovers the answer to that question through first-hand experience?

If you are going to make the leap, reconsider the whole name-changing thing. When I first got married, my wife did NOT change her name - the intent being to avoid confusion with the state university from which she was graduating.

Somehow, many institutions "discovered" that she was married and changed all her records without permission, then would not change them back without a raft of signed affidavits.

She changed her name.

Later, in her divorce decree she petitioned to restore her maiden name.

Her last name is still the same as mine.

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by ArtM

Do you want to be the one who discovers the answer to that question through first-hand experience?

Good point

[sailorboy1]

If you use the excuse of how much trouble it is to change your name back etc. once your marriage fails, maybe you should be thinking of moving on to another person now instead of wasting time in your current relationship!

[ArtM]

Originally Posted by Don L

If you use the excuse of how much trouble it is to change your name back etc. once your marriage fails, maybe you should be thinking of moving on to another person now instead of wasting time in your current relationship!

Fork ->
Marriage "ending" and "failing" are not the same thing. That way of thinking is what so unnecessarily leads to so much trauma - the kind of trauma that prevents older couples from remarrying in the future.

My marriage did not fail. It ended.
That's not to say that there are not failed marriages, but not all "ended" marriages are "failures"

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

Will being legally married really make any difference?

In practical terms probably only very minor.

You might be surprised that it does (still!) affect the perception of others (of you / the other half / your relationship), especially those who don't know you well even though nowadays most don't actually "tut tut" ....but folks do like "normal" (aka easy to understand without thinking!) - whether that it is important or not is another thing!

A good chance that it will also affect you both , whether that goes well likely depends on whether you married your wife...........

FWIW, I see the marriage thing kinda like a declaration to everyone else (and possibly also a declaration of war against everyone else!) - by saying publically (via paperwork!) that this is us in team XYZ now and forever - deal with it and suck it up .

.......looking forward to the update on CF .

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

In practical terms probably only very minor.

Exactly my thinking. We'll wear rings when it matters, I can even create a marriage license if need be -- I'm quite talented with design tools . To me (and luckily to my partner), the whole "public statement thing" is unnecessary .

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

You might be surprised that it does (still!) affect the perception of others (of you / the other half / your relationship), especially those who don't know you well even though nowadays most don't actually "tut tut" ....but folks do like "normal" (aka easy to understand without thinking!) - whether that it is important or not is another thing!

In my world here in Canada I've never encountered a problem. No "tut tuting" (silent or otherwise), no impact at all. Heck, I can't even recall the last time it even came up. Could be my self-selected world ... hard to know . Mostly, people just assume we are married -- which we are, in all the ways that really matter .

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

A good chance that it will also affect you both , whether that goes well likely depends on whether you married your wife...........

Sorry mate. Not us. After 25 years you kinda get to know something about your self, and your partner .

I've got nothing in particular against marriage. If some people feel the need to make public declarations (which I agree IS the major purpose of the legal form of marriage), then good on them . It's just never meant anything to me or my spouse .

P.S. This over-use of smilies is fun I may follow your lead .

[JPA Cate]

Thinking of this from Jim's perspective, it occurs to me that it could be quite useful to him if I kick off in a foreign country, to have the copy of our marriage certificate, to validate his claims to my share of everything. When somebody dies, there's a lot of property shifting. My name's on the boat papers, too. No rings, a personal choice. For us marriage was a relatively inexpensive way to add a layer of reciprocal protection.

In this connection, I'll mention another story. An American cruising sailor had a German companion who sailed with him for many years. He eventually developed cancer; and they sailed the boat back to San Francisco, where he married her. Shortly after, he died. Relatives contested her rights to the boat, which he left her in his will. She won in court, but had to sell the boat to get back to Germany when she was deported; she hadn't had time to become a US citizen. So, in this case, the marriage offered only fiduciary protection. She still lost the man, the vessel, and the dream.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

I've got nothing in particular against marriage. If some people feel the need to make public declarations (which I agree IS the major purpose of the legal form of marriage), then good on them . It's just never meant anything to me or my spouse .

I used to be on the same page if not a bit more hardcore on the subject (religous based nonsense from ye olden days - the 1950's ). Da Missus much the same. Then we got married (a large part of pragmatics was the driver on that decision) - both of us very surprised it actually meant something! and puzzled about it . Of course everyone is different ......let us know how it goes for you .

P.S. This over-use of smilies is fun I may follow your lead .

Next time I am gonna marry a smiley .

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Thinking of this from Jim's perspective, it occurs to me that it could be quite useful to him if I kick off in a foreign country, to have the copy of our marriage certificate, to validate his claims to my share of everything.

Thanks Ann, this is the kind of circumstance which has led us (my partner's name is Ann too!) to seriously consider the whole marriage thing. It really means nothing to us, but just like it is important to respect other nation's laws and customs, this too may be a justifiable nod to cultures that are not flexible when it comes to marriage.

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

I used to be on the same page if not a bit more hardcore on the subject (religous based nonsense from ye olden days - the 1950's ). Da Missus much the same. Then we got married (a large part of pragmatics was the driver on that decision) - both of us very surprised it actually meant something! and puzzled about it . Of course everyone is different ......let us know how it goes for you .

I hear ya Damn thing about the future is that it really is unknowable. . If you ever see me posting in the solo-sailor threads, you'll know it didn't go well .

[David M]

It's not easier to be married but it's better.

[JPA Cate]

Hey, David,

Of course you're right, but you don't really want to let them in on it, do you?

[Sea Flyer]

I have been Cruising the South Pacific for the last few years. Met Many boats with Couples. I'm guessing only about 30% were married.
I have had several lady crew members. No problems. Other countries just want a crew list they don't care if you are married

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by ArtM

As mentioned previously, there can be very major legal implementations for unmarried couples in certain "extreme" legal situations - such as death or serious illness. Other possible extremes include temporary situations like being physically separated with one person in custody of the boat, or legal situations like being able to bail someone out of jail.

The problem is that in this hypothetical situation I would still be dependent on the authorities believing either my word, or whatever official looking document I present them with.
I think that the kind of authority that would refuse a signed declaration by my partner and me that we own the boat together and considered each other "next of kin" would also not be impressed by a marriage certificate produced by some town hall in a far away country.

[kthoennes]

Boy, all this cynicism and this preoccupation with just the practical implications are really awful. Isn't anybody on here just married for crazy love? Wives change names in (most) western cultures because you're one family now, together, one unit. Tax implications, medical determinations, property distribution - yeah yeah yeah, blah blah but ultimately none of that makes any difference at all. I'm married because I love my wife, we're one family now, bonded, two halves of one unit. The institution hasn't lasted throughout human history just so spouses can keep each other's junk when they croak. Sure, marriage carries a pile of practical and legal implications, but if any of that is on your mind when you jump off the cliff, you're missing what marriage is all about. Talk about "missing the boat...". Boy the cynics on here.

[hellosailor]

"Wives change names in (most) western cultures because you're one family now, together, one unit." And here I thought they were given their husband's surname because wives were chattel goods and this was branding them with the owner's mark.

If you've never read Emily Post or another traditional western etiquette book, the wife's name becomes "Mrs. hisname hisname" using the husband's entire name. She is never referred to by her first name or her last, in the formal usage. And when the husband dies? Right, she loses the "Mrs." as well as his names.

So much for tradition and purpose. Cheaper than a real branding iron, though.