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Old 10-02-2014, 00:16   #1
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Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

I'm been living aboard for years, as a child and as an adult now with a several year span on land. I grew up in a semi large family on several large boats so I'm used to them.

I did the small sailboat deal on an Alberg 37 alone for a while. I met my first wife which convinced me to move on land. When I wanted to move back aboard I comprised and bought what most would consider more boat than a couple would need which was a IP 485. We lasted a few months and divorced because I refused to move back to land.

I sold that boat and got an Alden 44 because it was a steal for what I paid for her. Now I've been dating this nice lady for a while who likes the liveaboard lifestyle.

She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.

This lady friend needs space and I don't know how to handle it. I've been quite honest and clear on my preference for living and crusing.

I'm now in my 30's with no kids and looking to have some but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

I've been lucky in my career so I can go big if I want, but I don't want to buy a massive monohull nor do I want a cat and I defiantly don't want to go motor yacht or motor sailor.

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?
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Old 10-02-2014, 00:27   #2
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Sounds like you got the right boat and the wrong girl. Don't suppose its going to be any different than the first go around, good luck.
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Old 10-02-2014, 00:38   #3
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

You're lucky to be free mate! I've always wanted to live on a boat but my missus wont dream of it. And she's an hoarder my gaff is full of knitting and sewing stuff and hundreds of sewing books an stuff!. I wish that I could find me a woman with a boat and a simplistic lifestyle. I'd be off motor/sailer monohull or Cat Kids are great but restricting Give me a boat anyday
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Old 10-02-2014, 01:05   #4
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Originally Posted by robert sailor View Post
Sounds like you got the right boat and the wrong girl. Don't suppose its going to be any different than the first go around, good luck.
You could be right. I've had a lot of long term live in girlfriends so I'm posting this as a distress signal.
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Old 10-02-2014, 01:16   #5
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Originally Posted by joey2songs View Post
You're lucky to be free mate! I've always wanted to live on a boat but my missus wont dream of it. And she's an hoarder my gaff is full of knitting and sewing stuff and hundreds of sewing books an stuff!. I wish that I could find me a woman with a boat and a simplistic lifestyle. I'd be off motor/sailer monohull or Cat Kids are great but restricting Give me a boat anyday
I appreciate the response. Maybe you should tell your wife what you just posted. I'm not free because I live on a boat, I want the same as everyone else.

I actually cruise at an abnormal scale. I can do this because my job allows this. So any women that is with me essentially needs to find a new career. I have no interest in being in a relationship where I'm supporting the other. But this is a different discussion which relates to my plight but not a subject I'm prepared to discuss at the present.
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Old 10-02-2014, 02:35   #6
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

If the girl is right (?), then do whatever is necessary to make her happy on board. I repeat: whatever is necessary. Because if she's not happy, then you won't be happy, either, period, so having the boat the way you like it will be utterly wasted. In fact having any boat at all will be utterly wasted.

If it's just a question of space, then you don't necessarily need to go MB or cat. Monos of similar interior volume and quality cost about the same as cats -- they are just much longer. And the bonus with a larger mono is that you have proportionately better load carrying capacity -- which is kind of good thing to go with the interior volume. Big monos (I sail a 54' Moody) are comfortable, spacious, carry loads well, are faster, more stable, more seaworthy, have a more comfortable motion, etc., etc. -- many virtues. And are not hard to handle with powered winches and windlasses, etc.

You might look at cats for a different reason -- many females hate heeling. Besides that, cats have a better feeling of space and view from the salon than most monos (some monos, however, with raised saloons, are not so bad). I'm not a cat man myself, but I would go cat in a heartbeat if it were necessary for the kind of reason you are facing.

If you like to sail, I don't know why you would look at mobo's. You will lose sailing -- and many otherwise finicky females like sailing, at least in good weather -- but that's not the only disadvantage -- mobos have minimal or no keels or ballast, and have a much less comfortable motion both underway and at anchor. It is a little known fact, but this is the real reason why most "cruising" mobos spend 99% of their time in a dock or marina slip. This is a problem which will not win you any favor with a finicky female. A mobo starts to be useful for cruising, in my opinion, only when it's big enough to have really effective stabilizers. Or if it's a power cat. I'm sure some trawler sailors will voice some objections at this point; I hasten to add that this is only my humble opinion.
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Old 10-02-2014, 02:49   #7
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Originally Posted by satdiver View Post
. . . but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again . . .
I would suggest that if you want happiness in a couple, this attitude needs to go . . . There's no place for "bullheadedness" or refusal to compromise in any healthy marriage. Neither on her part or on your part, and not about anything big or small. A successful marriage requires compromises every day, sometimes every hour, compromises and sacrifices made generously and light-heartedly, without entering them into any kind of ledger of moral debts which, you think, will need to be repaid someday. And if you force her to compromise on this -- after she's already signed up for your lifestyle -- that will go into a ledger of moral debts which you will pay later, at a usurious interest rate. Just don't go there, it's not worth it . . .

If she really likes cats -- then my suggestion would be to learn to like them yourself. I hear where you're coming from -- I don't like them myself -- it's a question of taste for the motion, layout, etc. -- you're either a cat man, or not -- we're probably born that way. But I'd sure rather be on a cat with a good woman, than alone on the boat of my dreams. Choosing a boat together which she is enthusiastic about is the perfect way to start a new life on board. And successfully managing the compromise process here will be an excellent precedent for future life together.
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Old 10-02-2014, 03:21   #8
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

If you love your partner then do what is necessary to retain that. You can always find boats !

Dave
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Old 10-02-2014, 04:53   #9
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Relationships are loaded with compromising. And if everyone had their perfect relationship then there would be no divorces. After 30 years of marriage; it has not been perfect and I know it never will be but it's the bumps that make you appreciate n bond. One thing I do know is 30ish - 40ish years are nesting yrs for a woman. My husband n I have been fighting to get to the boat full time. Notice I said "fighting to get there". Nothing worth while is easy. But manuevering out of real estate, businesses n etc. takes time and planning. We have a 44 ft cat we bought 4 yrs ago in anticipation of our capabilities n health n what we wanted to deal with on a boat. It gives us some room. We both have made sacrifices and have had change our attitudes to make this work. No more hoarding. Selfishness is out. Have learned simple is better. We both came from "nothing" and that includes orphanages and outhouses so we can adjust back to having little. But we have each other now in our mid 50s with minimal health issues. Good relationships are hard to find and great ones take time. Boats come and go and can be bought. Marriage is about making your spouse happy but BOTH have to have that attitude-hence the compromises. It's much more fun to share your experiences w someone and reflect back on them w the one you made them with..... Or you can be alone. I professionally deal w the senior population and they speak openily about the wrong turns they took in life. I am trying to apply what I have learned. Best wishes in your wants but nothing is perfect.
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Old 10-02-2014, 04:56   #10
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

When you ask boaters their opinion of a conflict being a boat and a women, the boat is always going to win.
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:09   #11
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pirate Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Hmmmm... seems she's her preferences/priorities and you've yours.. not that different from a Country lover and a Townie..
The outcome..? well that depends how desperate the one is for the other..
You say she needs her space..!!
Go sailing for a while.. use snail mail..
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:24   #12
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

You should probably get the cat and then if it doesn't work out with this girl then you shouldn't have any trouble finding a new one because you know what they say, "Girls love cats!"
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:32   #13
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pirate Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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You should probably get the cat and then if it doesn't work out with this girl then you shouldn't have any trouble finding a new one because you know what they say, "Girls love cats!"
But do they love you.. or your wallet.. or don't you care..
Your just grateful..
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:44   #14
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Originally Posted by satdiver View Post
I'm been living aboard for years, as a child and as an adult now with a several year span on land. I grew up in a semi large family on several large boats so I'm used to them.

I did the small sailboat deal on an Alberg 37 alone for a while. I met my first wife which convinced me to move on land. When I wanted to move back aboard I comprised and bought what most would consider more boat than a couple would need which was a IP 485. We lasted a few months and divorced because I refused to move back to land.

I sold that boat and got an Alden 44 because it was a steal for what I paid for her. Now I've been dating this nice lady for a while who likes the liveaboard lifestyle.

She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.

This lady friend needs space and I don't know how to handle it. I've been quite honest and clear on my preference for living and crusing.

I'm now in my 30's with no kids and looking to have some but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

I've been lucky in my career so I can go big if I want, but I don't want to buy a massive monohull nor do I want a cat and I defiantly don't want to go motor yacht or motor sailor.

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?
Whew!...when you said dark side I thought you meant you were going power to sail....now that's that's good...

Marked in red tells the story...what the heck is left?

I'm on my 3rd liveaboard, 1st -30' sail, 2nd -37 foot sportfish, 3rd -40' trawler.

Boating women in general prefer boats with lot's of room and lot's of windows. Now I now there are the ones that are opposite and love the "comfortable space" that most sail and some power offers...but these are by far the minority in my experience.

I figured I would meet someone who would cruise aboard with me when I was boat shopping and I added that possibility into my selection on many levels. Did I have to compromise and buy larger than I needed for myself? Yes and no...even with women aboard it's my boat and I'm the captain. If my experience says to use one material or object versus another for safety or long term maintenance...it stands with few compromises...but as far as looks, use of space, etc...I let the "other" opinion run wild. I certainly went up one size because of the needed room aboard for a second (now plus large dog) and now regret I didn't go up a few more feet.

Anyway what works for one person rarely works for another so enough about me...

But really...what kind of vessel DO you see yourself buying as you have ruled out many styles that fit your need?
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:47   #15
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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But do they love you.. or your wallet.. or don't you care..
Your just grateful..
If I had those 5 girls on my boat I would be really really grateful.
And wouldn't care a bit.
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