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Old 10-02-2014, 10:43   #31
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Could it be that people are more complicated than boats?
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Old 10-02-2014, 10:49   #32
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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I appreciate the response. Maybe you should tell your wife what you just posted.
Yeah. After he does that he'll probably be free, too.

Fabbian
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Old 10-02-2014, 10:53   #33
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Its easier to replace the boat than the woman. If she's "the right one" then do what's necessary to keep her happy. Just a WAG but I'm guessing that if she really was "the right one" then you wouldn't be here asking for advice.
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Old 10-02-2014, 10:59   #34
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

A tropical anchorage looks the same from the cockpit of a mono or a multi hull. If the rumors are correct, you might even get there a little faster, but you can get there in either. Since you seem to be doing well financially, why dont you charter a Cat somewhere that the sailing is easy, and see if she actually likes it. That may settle the issue, one way or the other. Rereading your posts, you might also try looking in the mirror every morning and asking why that guy is so selfish. We all need to look after ourselves, but in any relationship a person has to be able to give as well as get.____2 bits worth of bar room psychology.____Grant.
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Old 10-02-2014, 11:20   #35
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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It's not his voice and my voice. It's our sound.
This gave me shivers. If the OP really wants this person in his life, he'll figure out how to make it work or he should be honest with her and let her go. Compromise may sound like each has to lose something in the process, but it's just a blending of desires to make a more impressive harmony. Of course, that's way easier said that done
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Old 10-02-2014, 11:57   #36
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

This thread reminds me of a great quote - "I've spent all my money on booze, broads and boats, the rest was wasted."
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Old 10-02-2014, 12:03   #37
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.
You might have to change your style. My wife and I have always had the same goals. Rarely have we ever agreed on how to get to them. Neither of us have ever said it's my way or the highway. We have always managed to come to a compromise on how to reach those goals, and then do it. It has worked for us for 31 years. Early on those goals tend to get clouded over but as the relationship matures they become more clear. If neither you nor your lady friend are flexible, and you don't have the same goals, there's not a snowball's chance in hell you're both going to be headed the same direction long term.

From my standpoint, if I loved liveaboard and sailing and my wife likes it too but wants a cat because of the spacious wide open cabin, I'd be out cat shopping with her in a heartbeat.
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Old 10-02-2014, 12:17   #38
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Wifey B:

Lady friend? Spouse? Which is it? Ok, you're going to get a woman's reaction here, a woman who loves boating and shares that love with her hubby. "Bullheaded", "Don't want to compromise". Damn. Do the lady friend a favor and let her move on to someone who might care more for her than which boat they are on. Can't see yourself on a yacht and cat is distressing. I mean seriously, not saying this ugly, but if you really loved her the way love should be then there would be no freaking issue here.

Watch the television show House Hunters sometime and watch couples with opposite views come together. Watch their appreciation for the other side. See couples who place the happiness of their spouse as very important.

You talk about finding a woman to accept your lifestyle. Damn again. Why not finding a woman you can love and who can love you with all your hearts. Then lifestyle will all work. I think you're still too immature in that area (not saying all ways but in love) to find a woman now so enjoy the single life. And I say immature even though you're likely older than me. But I'll tell you, from the day my hubby and I met we knew it was forever and we knew we'd do whatever it took. We went through a hell together that one can only imagine but as long as we had each other nothing else in the world ever freaking mattered.

Now I'm not placing this all on you. Maybe she's not to the point either. Because if she loved you as I love my man, she'd join you in a kayak if that was it. See, the art of compromising between two in love is easy because you're both looking out more for the other than yourself. It becomes her saying, "We'll do sail because that's what you love" and you saying, "No MY because you'd like that better" and from that point finding the solution is easy because you're both going to be happy with either choice.

So, it's clear you're not ready to settle down or at least not with her. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, admitting that is pretty much to be admired. A lot better than pretending. But don't do something that then one or the other of you would resent what they got into. I'm for play with as many girls for as long as you wish but I believe strongly just to keep doing that until that one that you know is forever and you know you'll do anything to be with shows up. There's a feeling that will hit you then that hasn't hit you yet. I can't tell you in advance what it's going to feel like. But you'll know and it will be like nothing you've ever felt before. There is no such thing then as a bad day as long as you have each other and no such thing as a difficult compromise.

Best of luck to you. Hope I haven't been too hard, but I'm a romantic lover type who has found that magic and glad I didn't ever settle for less.
I appreciate having a lady's input on this. Here is the thing. As I stated in my initial post I compromised in my first marriage with the IP485. The first wife did not have experience in the liveaboard lifestyle and had her own view of what she thought it was like or what she wanted it to be. Thus being we would have regular overnight guest so a guest stateroom was a must. A separate shower, his and her heads, washer dryer, etc.. I was fine with the upgrade. The way I handled it is I gave her a budget, and gave my list of my wants which went like this... Monohull under 55ft, that I can still single hand. The rest was up to her. The reason for my requirements which I should have specified in my post is I actually own 4 slips on the east coast. My smallest slip can't take anything over 55ft and my largest can't take a cat beam wise. I also have a few moorings up in Maine that won't take anything over 55ft.

As for being bullheaded about things. It's not like I've lead her on to think living on land was ever an option. After my first marriage I have learned to express non negotiables early and often. To the guy who suggested a condo with a slip. Although I have a steady living and in good financial standing I'm still not in the condo with a slip tax bracket. I already own an apartment which I luckily bought in a university town so it's stays rented and going back to live in it has never been a consideration. I was extremely unhappy living on land when I did. It is actually the only time in my life that I took anti depressants and anti anxiety medications.

As I've also stated I do cruise regularly like year round every year. My job is commercial diving so I work 3 months on 3 months off. On big overseas jobs it's sometimes 6 on 6 off. With my cruising budget and places I go a motor yacht is out of the question unless I substantially up my budget for fuel. I also cross the pond every couple of years and few motor yachts have that ability to go safely.

I also have to consider that with any women I'm involved with she'll be on the vessel alone during the periods I'm offshore working which adds another complexity to the relationship. It's sorta like being in the military.

I'm willing to sell my boat now and go for something different but it has to fit in the confines of which gives me the ability to cruise regularly. For her and her job she hates her work to be honest and would quit in a heartbeat if I said I'd support her. She also knows I would do that if she asked. She knew the first date we ever went on that I cruise all the time and she would be unable to keep her land job if she committed to being with me.

As for boat vs women. Yes it's going to be the boat. I've dated since my marriage many great women who have tested me and lost. 2 women have tried to move me back on land and it aint happening. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to be happy. I also believe it is unhealthy to rely on another person to make me happy. Therefore moving back on land is not an option. If my celebrity crush Sofia Vergara came to my boat and said she'd have my babies and take care of me the rest of my life and I could quit my job if I moved into her home I'd politely decline.
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Old 10-02-2014, 12:29   #39
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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She wants more space and you want to have a sailboat. You got a good deal on your Alden and those are beautiful boats, but wouldn't the obvious compromise be to sell the Alden and buy a bigger sailboat that she has an equal hand in choosing? That way she gets her space (and a boat that wasn't pre-owned by you with other girlfriends on board so it'll feel more like it's hers too) and you get to keep sailing. I'd offer that as a compromise and if she didn't seem interested, then it would be time to ask myself which I really wanted more, her or a sailboat. Only you can answer that.

Good advise. To the OP, think Dashew. The Deerfoot series would make her happy and satisfy you for a sailboat built for cruisers.
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Old 10-02-2014, 13:13   #40
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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Good advise. To the OP, think Dashew. The Deerfoot series would make her happy and satisfy you for a sailboat built for cruisers.
I also agree that is good advice deckofficer. it is the exact advice I took from my brother in my first marriage. What I learned from taking that advice is first letting the person have more experience before letting them choose a boat.

I guess the better question I should have asked initially would have been how do I let my potential 2nd wife know that she is not ready to make an educated decision on what is the best boat for her or us until she gets a couple of years of cruising under her belt. Without offending her. If she had come from a sailing or cruising background and had the years I guess I'd be less reluctant or stubborn when she started talking about up scaling.

The other thing is we'll be cruising as a couple without crew so ultimately until she obtains the appropriate skills her life is in my hands. So any boat we cruise I need t be able to single hand when conditions sometimes deteriorate. I have sailed two deerfoots actually and they can be pretty complex for a single person to handle.

Even my current boat can be a handful under less than ideal conditions.
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Old 10-02-2014, 13:14   #41
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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To the OP, think Dashew.
Or Contest. Newer ones are good for cruising and by average nice in the womens eyes
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Old 10-02-2014, 13:33   #42
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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I'm been living aboard for years, as a child and as an adult now with a several year span on land. I grew up in a semi large family on several large boats so I'm used to them.

I did the small sailboat deal on an Alberg 37 alone for a while. I met my first wife which convinced me to move on land. When I wanted to move back aboard I comprised and bought what most would consider more boat than a couple would need which was a IP 485. We lasted a few months and divorced because I refused to move back to land.

I sold that boat and got an Alden 44 because it was a steal for what I paid for her. Now I've been dating this nice lady for a while who likes the liveaboard lifestyle.

She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.

This lady friend needs space and I don't know how to handle it. I've been quite honest and clear on my preference for living and crusing.

I'm now in my 30's with no kids and looking to have some but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

I've been lucky in my career so I can go big if I want, but I don't want to buy a massive monohull nor do I want a cat and I defiantly don't want to go motor yacht or motor sailor.

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?
I can understand. If my wife insisted on a mono she'd have to go. Lucky for me she's got more sense.
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Old 10-02-2014, 13:35   #43
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

Run Forest Run!
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Old 11-02-2014, 06:41   #44
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

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As for boat vs women. Yes it's going to be the boat. I've dated since my marriage many great women who have tested me and lost. 2 women have tried to move me back on land and it aint happening. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to be happy. I also believe it is unhealthy to rely on another person to make me happy. Therefore moving back on land is not an option.

Sounds like you prefer making it a contest, instead of collaboration.

Ref your own happiness: sure, fair enough. But you should also expect everyone else to have their own lines in the sand, too.

The polar choices are work it out together, or move on separately. Sometimes, lots of room in between...

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Old 11-02-2014, 09:53   #45
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Re: Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

First wife complained about all the time we spent on the boat. Years after our split she talks about how much she misses being on the water (we still get along fine), her boyfriend is too lazy to get off the couch.
I met my second wife at a sail race, she had been crewing for 14 years on a very fast boat and could keep an all male crew in check. She also took the entire captains course but never owned her own boat, I didn't plan on ever getting married again but she had all the right qualities and a lot of spine. Looks damn good too. When she found out at the time I was selling all my property and getting rid of all the stuff to leave for a few years she was game. Of course her added request of starting a whole second family (my daughter from first is out of college and self supporting) was a bit challenging, but hey, what the heck, more crew to scrape the hull.
It takes some amount of compromise, my wife would love a catamaran for the living space but doesn't trust one for open water ocean crossings. Because of our two sons we need space, sooo, i ended up with a 47' center cockpit. It has the hull to make good time with but give us open water stability, the space to have some private spaces aboard, the extra luxuries that make it more comfortable and self sufficient in remote locales and the looks to appeal to my wife.
On the flip side, it's bigger than I would optimally want, there are more complex systems to maintain, the costs of everything is more, the loads you handle are higher and the extra size may prevent us from some anchorages.
Is it worth it? In my case yes, I've traveled the world in one form or another for most of my life, I found that it was more fun and more rewarding when I had someone to share those experiences with. In this case I get to share it with the whole family and give them an experience few will ever have. It's not easy, it means we'll be home schooling, raising a family on board, all in a confined space. It delayed my plans by a few years but in the end is a better way to go, for me.
In my case I was lucky, but I still knew it would take a while living in a confined space together before seeing if it was all possible. I'm not the smartest individual but I have learned a few things over time.
Want to sail into the sunset with a partner? Spend some extended time on your current boat with her, see how that works out. Go to a few boat shows, see what she likes. Let her know what you need in a boat, then see where you can come to an agreement in the middle. The more my wife has sailed, the more finely tuned her opinions on boats are, funny enough, we seem to agree on many points.
You'd both have to bend a bit.
Can your new honey surf a 40 footer down 14 foot seas with 35 knts off the stern while you do a spinaker dowse on the foredeck?
How much intestinal fortitude does she have? Better to find out now.
I already did before I committed.
Otherwise get a dog, they make good company and like to eat the same things as you do.
I had a dog at the time too, gone to the big fire hydrant in the sky now, god bless his soul, she liked him too, it's a good sign.
How does she treat the waitress when you eat at a restaurant? It's usually a sign.
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