Marital counseling

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

valhalla360,

That's beautiful practical psychology! Good on ya!

Brookie,

If you put your husband in the role of "Wise Man" by asking lots of down to earth questions, how could he not answer them?

Your kids are being prepared for leaving the nest, so in a very short while, you will not even "need" the room of a 50 footer. For a temporary basis, kids can share sleeping spaces. There are some 3 cabin boats even in 40 ft. lengths.

Don't know about your man, but some of them want to send all their kids to college; and to others, it's unimportant or less important. If he's concerned you'll get angry at having the sailing goal postponed, he may try to just avoid the issue. You may be looking at a longer term commitment on his part than you at first realized.

If, through questioning, you find your husband's goals to be worthy, maybe you guys could just get a little boat, a daysailer of some sort, to enjoy till you've launched all the children.

Ann

There's also just a general undefined fear on the part of many. Outliving one's money is a huge fear and it's often a reality. Thinking of what will happen next year or the year after and suddenly all the worst case scenarios rush by. Maybe it's even thinking of what the kids might need from you. What if they can't find a job when they graduate? There are a lot of factors and the hardest thing for most men to discuss, especially with their wife, is their fears.

But what those fears often lead to is inaction, an aversion to change. One has found what feels like a safety net and doesn't want to get out of it. The known feels better than the unknown.

[rognvald]

"There's also just a general undefined fear on the part of many. Outliving one's money is a huge fear and it's often a reality." B and B

B,
I completely agree with your above statement, however, readers should remember this is both an explanation and a rationalization for how one lives life. People need to prioritize goals and work within a time frame since if your goals are left to chance, there is a great possibility they will never materialize. I have many personal friends that amassed large fortunes in their businesses over the last 20 years who believed their assets would last forever and have lost them, through no fault of their own, in the last 6 years. There was no way anyone could have predicted the devastating economic eventualities that occurred to businesses, large and small, in the US and worldwide. Their dreams, which at one time were in their grasp, will never materialize and their lives have changed dramatically and forever. As is the mantra of many on this Forum, myself included: Go small . . . Go now!

[brookiesailor]

In the spirit of fairness I am recommending a compromise. Two years to obtain a boat. That allows for the acquisition of a slip, to kids into college and hopefully improvement in the stock market. I think it is fair. I wrote a letter and recommended this and the downsizing of the boat size siting my physical ability as the reason. I have included specks on boats of this size both new and used. Hubby is out of town until late tonight and it is sitting on his desk. I head out to the yacht club early in the morning to volunteer so he will pretty much have all weekend to think about it. I will not push.


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[jtsailjt]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

In the spirit of fairness I am recommending a compromise. Two years to obtain a boat. That allows for the acquisition of a slip, to kids into college and hopefully improvement in the stock market.


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We're always hopeful for improvements in the stock market but I wouldn't let that be part of the decision process if I could help it. The stock market is currently near an all time high and the current lengthy bull market could end at any time. I don't claim to know what's going to happen, but I'd hate to be depending on continued upward movement to allow me to get a sailboat because it could easily move lower or go sideways for the next several years and you certainly don't want to have to wait for its next resurgence. Look at it this way, if you spend your money on a boat soon while the market is up, you won't have as much in the market if it goes down so you won't lose as much.

Good luck!

[BandB]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

I wrote a letter and recommended this

Wifey B: You wrote your hubby a letter with a recommendation? Is this how you normally communicate, by letter? Sorry I'm freaking but suddenly this sounds far more like a business agreement and negotiation than it does a loving marital relationship. I guess if you don't feel comfortable just talking to him about it. And on his desk? In his office? Even if I accept writing it down, then I'd want to be sitting with him to discuss as he read it.

[a64pilot]

Different people are well, different.
Maybe the best way for these to communicate is written, maybe that way emotions don't get involved and a fight is avoided?
I don't know of course, but it might be what works for them, maybe not for others?


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[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: You wrote your hubby a letter with a recommendation? Is this how you normally communicate, by letter? Sorry I'm freaking but suddenly this sounds far more like a business agreement and negotiation than it does a loving marital relationship. I guess if you don't feel comfortable just talking to him about it. And on his desk? In his office? Even if I accept writing it down, then I'd want to be sitting with him to discuss as he read it.

Good it wasn't just me. Let's just say, this seems a very unusual way to determine how your shared life will proceed forward.

I'm hoping that is just how they've learned to start difficult converstations and it's understood this is not an ultimatum to be stewed over all weekend.

Also, the comment about the market returning doesn't make sense. We are at the top of a huge bull market. The market already has returned. While we also hope for the market to continue forward, we are long past the recovery phase.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Different people are well, different.
Maybe the best way for these to communicate is written, maybe that way emotions don't get involved and a fight is avoided?
I don't know of course, but it might be what works for them, maybe not for others?


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Wifey B: Maybe. Sounds like a lot lacking in their ability to communicate on this issue. Perhaps on other issues not the same. As to emotions not involved much of this issue is emotions though. Someone earlier was talking about agreement and as if it was contract law. This issue is much about the emotions both have toward it. His toward financial security, the kids. Her's toward let's get on with it. It can't be resolved without involving emotions. Maybe they can express them better in writing. But she's sending specs.

I know I'm different but when my hubby returned after being away on business the last thing I wanted was him reading stuff on his desk. I'm amazed we were able to make it out of the airport with our clothes still on. And we have been told more than once to "get a room." Oh well.

I hope Brookie and hubby are able to work through this.

[MarkSF]

CS Lewis said that the Devil wants us always to be looking forward to the next thing, to something better, not living in the now, that way mankind can never be truly happy. One part of happiness is learning to be satisfied with what you have now.

In this case, it's a bad case, because he's not even happy with something he hasn't got yet!

Of course, consumer society relies on us constantly upgrading, to a bigger and better car, house, TV, whatever.

Go sailing, now, in something you can afford. How about sailing in some clubs, and chartering, to get a better feel for different boats.

I'd like a Ferrari. I drive an old Jaguar. But I'm driving

[Wotname]

Brookie, quick question if I may. Are you the mother of these children or is it a "blended" family. I know the answer may be somewhere in the previous posts but if so, I missed it.

And maybe it doesn't make a difference but it often does (even if it shouldn't).

[brookiesailor]

Ok guys and gals, cut a girl some slack.

I am not good at making an argument. I frequently cave or give into the other persons ideas before fully expressing my own. My father was an attorney and could argue the smallest point until you caved. I learned at an early age just to give up as it was less painful in the end. So in order to express my point of view in a tone of open discussion I start the conversation on paper. After I have stated my case we then discuss it verbally. So this is just the start of the conversation. It gives me time to organize my thoughts in a manner that leaves me feeling like I have stated everything it was important for me to say.

The kids are mine too. I stated it in that fashion as that he feels it is his responsibility alone to make sure they are educated.

We are heavily invested in oil and gas which is not doing well


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[BandB]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

The kids are mine too. I stated it in that fashion as that he feels it is his responsibility alone to make sure they are educated.

We are heavily invested in oil and gas which is not doing well

Do you feel a responsibility to make sure they are educated? You seem to be saying it's just him feeling that.

[brookiesailor]

I was trying to state his point of view. I am a homemaker and so my role in their education is different than his. I do the daily support, even though most of them are in a different country. I keep up with advisors and grades and such. He swoops in and puts his two cents in when he can


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[JPA Cate]

brookie,

FWIW, it sounds to me a bit as if you are in a situation where you relate to your husband as if he were your father--except you've at last found a way to at least get your points in.
Good luck with it.

Most likely, the problems are with the feelings the facts provoke, so do expect strong feelings to be expressed.

Ann

[BandB]

Originally Posted by brookiesailor

I was trying to state his point of view. I am a homemaker and so my role in their education is different than his. I do the daily support, even though most of them are in a different country. I keep up with advisors and grades and such. He swoops in and puts his two cents in when he can


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Wifey B: Your kids are in a different country? How often and how long do they get to come home?

Do you feel then that he being the one making the money somehow puts him in a different position on things than you?