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Old 09-07-2015, 19:59   #61
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

Lots of good advice so far. Its hard for many people, not always women, to enjoy what is a very demanding pastime.

The most tragic story I heard was from a guy washing down an 80foot motor cruiser at the marina ( not even a sail boat) who had spent his whole life saving up to build his dream. After one long coastal trip, his wife wouldn't even come down for drinks at the marina on it.

My brother, nearly 60yo, had never been on a yacht in his life until he got invited to help crew a boat from Sydney to Hobart. The skipper wasn't very experienced, but they made it after some 'adventures'. He enjoyed it. He even went and did it again with the same skipper on another boat. But, that's it! The seemingly endless hours of being thumped and soaked while trying to keep concentration just doesnt seem worth it.

The secret is as the last poster said - "whats in it for them ?". For the owner of a boat, there may be the pride and sense of ownership after years of effort to enjoy. For many crew, there is just no reward for the 'Captain Bligh' treatment, the discomfort and hard work while the owner/skipper make all the decisions.
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Old 09-07-2015, 20:41   #62
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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Lots of good advice so far. Its hard for many people, not always women, to enjoy what is a very demanding pastime.

The most tragic story I heard was from a guy washing down an 80foot motor cruiser at the marina ( not even a sail boat) who had spent his whole life saving up to build his dream. After one long coastal trip, his wife wouldn't even come down for drinks at the marina on it.

My brother, nearly 60yo, had never been on a yacht in his life until he got invited to help crew a boat from Sydney to Hobart. The skipper wasn't very experienced, but they made it after some 'adventures'. He enjoyed it. He even went and did it again with the same skipper on another boat. But, that's it! The seemingly endless hours of being thumped and soaked while trying to keep concentration just doesnt seem worth it.

The secret is as the last poster said - "whats in it for them ?". For the owner of a boat, there may be the pride and sense of ownership after years of effort to enjoy. For many crew, there is just no reward for the 'Captain Bligh' treatment, the discomfort and hard work while the owner/skipper make all the decisions.



From what you have written I would think that you are not a sailor yourself.
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Old 09-07-2015, 21:43   #63
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

I think the best way is just going out on a boat in moderate conditions with calm, experienced crew on daysails with occasional tacking performed competently without yelling and just enjoying being out. after watching tasks being performed for awhile she can be offered the opportunity to release the genoa or take the tiller or wheel in a wide open area without significant other traffic. I kind of feel like going on charter trips could be counter productive as it could lead to the thought that only professionals can do this. I do agree that multihulls are a lower stress learning platform.
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Old 09-07-2015, 22:23   #64
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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From what you have written I would think that you are not a sailor yourself.

Depends on what you consider a sailor is. Is someone who has spent a lot of time under sail - or someone that now owns a boat ?

But, this reply is very telling. You can be so totally absorbed by sailing that you think anyone who doesn't is some sort of fool - or you can actually understand the reasons why the whole world doesn't like "standing under a cold shower and tearing up $50 notes."
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Old 10-07-2015, 08:28   #65
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Thank You So much Everyone

WOW! Thanks everyone for the quick replies I didn't expect that. And there's definitely great ideas I didn't think of. Well let me see if I can answer some to the questions I saw on here. First I don't think she hates sailing per se the experience just rattled her confidence really bad. We have been out on various sail boats, hobie cats and catamarans and she really liked those. I do think she would like a multi hull better she has mentioned the heeling aspect. Do we like the same things and is she adventurous? yes, she's rappelled 300ft into a cave system in Belize and did a waterfall hike in it, We've shark dove, surf, kayak fish, raft, gone bungee jumping so being skittish isn't a problem. But we did talk about the class and it was an all male class except her, she did feel like the info was being fire from a gatling gun, and the yelling didn't help her either. The one other thing she said was the community, and thats probably my fault I went to a sailing club and a lot of the people were extremely stuck up and were making fun of the smaller cruising boats and the people who lived on them. As for me, I have hardly any sailing experience I just retired from 20 years in the Navy being on submarines, I think thats why a small monohull doesn't bother me. And people are correct I may need to turn down my enthusiasm. Last but not least we've been married 18 years now so trading in ins't an option and going it alone isn't either she's a wonderful woman I would do anything for. Thank you again every one.
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Old 10-07-2015, 10:35   #66
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

Great! My wife is like that too, very adventurous, but she is still a little wary of sailing since she just never even saw a sailboat until she was 20. You know this is a little off topic but this issue of arrogance/smugness and superiority between cruisers or between cruisers and racers is perpetually an annoyance. I wonder if there is a thread about that. It's probably as old as sailing though or as old as the human race.
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Old 10-07-2015, 10:45   #67
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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Depends on what you consider a sailor is. Is someone who has spent a lot of time under sail - or someone that now owns a boat ?

But, this reply is very telling. You can be so totally absorbed by sailing that you think anyone who doesn't is some sort of fool - or you can actually understand the reasons why the whole world doesn't like "standing under a cold shower and tearing up $50 notes."
I think he was asking a question not attacking you??
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Old 10-07-2015, 18:18   #68
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

Yep. + to all of the above. If that doesn't work, just go singlehanded sailing. You both will really enjoy your boating time. One for the sailing, the other for not sailing.


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Old 10-07-2015, 18:39   #69
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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Howdy!

My Simple Suggestions:

1. Get your wife involved with a group of women who sail as an "ALL GIRL" crew (socially), but NOT on a racing boat (not as race crew on a racing boat).

Why?
Even if she only goes on the boat as a passenger, she can observe how women do it together. The key is to find a group of FEMALE sailors who sail together for pleasure and not under the pressure of a race.

After she sees how much FUN it can be (for women), then...

2. Let your wife take lessons from a FEMALE sailing instructor in a CLASS that is composed of only women.


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Why?

Because some MALE sailors can be very bossy (yelling) and in their command voice (which every skipper needs at critical moments). When given a command (in a command voice by a male) it may appear they are singling out the female student (which they may need to do), but that voice and tone may be something interpreted differently (not in a friendly way).

Because most women relate better to women.

Because learning sailing can be stressful for anyone, due to the need to learn a lot, practice new skills, and to meet certain expectations. There can be pressure (self-imposed).

My Super Suggestion: Do NOT take the same class with your wife on the same boat. Let her learn and gain confidence by taking classes without you on a boat with a female skipper and crew. It makes a big difference!

What leads me to these suggestions?

I was a member of a top sailing club/school and saw the different manners of how average MALE and extraordinary (or is it average) FEMALE instructors handled their students and teaching differently. I was greatly impressed by the female instructors for not only their skill and experience, but also for how they taught newbies, and noticed how this made a difference for the female students in the small classes.

Others here may have a different opinion. My suggestions are based on seeing for myself how mixed groups of students (men and women) interacted with different certified sailing instructors (men and women).

I hope these suggestions help your wife learn in a way so that she enjoys the experience and gains confidence and skills.
Steady Hand has got this right! If this does not work.....you have biggetrt problems.
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Old 10-07-2015, 20:33   #70
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

intimidation is always a factor in the sex's women will learn better from a woman. learning to sail first and then race "if she wants" is best. the suggestions to introduce her to other women that sail is best and to stay out of it after the introduction, there again the intimidation, just by you being there will distract her from hearing what the other women are giving her.
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Old 10-07-2015, 21:15   #71
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

I'm strugglin with this. Some girls want to be treated gently and some want to be treated equally like the boys. How on earth are we meant to know what to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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Old 12-07-2015, 18:37   #72
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

my solution was divorce...
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Old 12-07-2015, 19:52   #73
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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my solution was divorce...
Sounds like a great way to make sailing, already an expensive pastime, into a REALLY expensive pastime...

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Old 12-07-2015, 19:53   #74
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

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I think he was asking a question not attacking you??

... and my reply wasnt meant to be a reprimand, just an observation. Mind you, I took the comments and the popcorn smiley as a hint that I was regarded as a sideline commentator, not someone with an experienced opinion.

But, to add value to this really usefull thread, I have been guilty of being an 'overenthusiastic' sailing tutor for my youngest son. He preferred to go next door to the yacht club to play on his skateboard than rig the sailing dinghy I bought him. I dont think he has been near a boat for the last ten years, but I cant really regard him as a sporting failure. He went on to competitivly ride skateboards down mountains at 80 mph, which I grudgingly admit takes as much nerve and skill as say competitive sailing.

Maybe a more diplomatic approach would have seen him share my interest more.

I guess the point is, its not just women who could use a more considered approach to sailing.
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Old 12-07-2015, 21:20   #75
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Re: Wife Hates Sailing Help!

Sub, mate, ditch the boat and all sailing forever. Tell your wife she is right, that it was something you had to go through as an existential experience in order to make personal development, She will admire your strength to face the Truth, and that you listen to her and consider her, prize her over other things.

Then you buy a van and tour happily. Get, say, a mwb ford transit (the smallest possible this is, necessary for parking and passing, etc....big is bum), brand new, with single passenger seat, no bulkhead, parking sensors and rear camera, and a high top. Fit it out like a boat, lockers down the side, one for her, one for you, and tv an toilet. It will all fit in. Just a hob and sink.

She actually does have a point, a good point, sailing is pretty crap. Vanning is amazingly better, See the light.

Make it good. And the both of you together in it (the dream).....got to be worth it. Move on to the next level....vanning.

You will be the hero, and it will all be better than boats and water. Just change tack completely.

https://youtu.be/hN5X4kGhAtU
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