(Boca Bay - Guadeloupe) Researchers at the University of Florida
released the results of a ground-shaking (literally) study today. They believe they have definitively answered the question "Is it better to sail a monohull
or a multihull
The academics - a group comprising 3 sports medicine experts, a bio-chemist, 2 nutritionists and a kinesiologist - studied a group of 631 people who spent large parts
of their lives on sailboats. Of this group 312 sailed monohull
boats, and the remaining 318 people were owners or crewmembers on various catamarans and trimarans.
The study subjects were weighed and screened for psychological suitability. In addition, those who self-identified as members of the multihull
group were assessed to ensure they possessed sufficient reasoning and spatial theorem processing capability to understand what they were doing.
Diet and types / frequencies of physical exercise were tightly managed by research
support workers, for a period of three years, while the sailors went about their normal sailing activities. Regular exertions required to sail and live aboard the various craft were not restricted, and participants were encouraged to conduct themselves as if they were not under observation.
After the three year test period was completed, the following raw data was obtained:
For the group of 312 Monohull sailors:
average body-weight had declined slightly, limbs were trimmer and more lithe and supple, teeth were better, smiles were brighter and a General IQ test revealed an average increase in score of 13 points. Individual data was above the average save for one subject who badly skewed the data. Her weight gain had been in excess of 140 lbs and her levels of mental acuity had declined to the rough equivalency of a thirteen year old Arkansan native. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that this individual had in fact become enamored of a certain multi-hull skipper
, and had been covertly joining him for extended periods.
For the group of 318 Multihull sailors:
47 were not measureable, as their bipolar craft had suffered severe cases of bickering and fighting by the opposing hulls, and in each case, the hulls both got into extreme tiffs and headed off in separate directions. Sporadic reports of dazed Americans sitting astride slender hulls of questionable buoyancy continue to arrive from all parts
of the globe.
A further 11 participants had perished horribly, as their flimsy rafts were flipped and pitchpoled in heavy weather
, trapping their semi-sensate crew just inches from pure, clean air.
The remainder, a total of 260 people were found to be either extremely corpulent, or radically malnourished. Analysis reveals that the obese had stockpiled as much food
as their limited buyoancy would allow, and then, after taking on water
in addition to stores, had refused to leave the dock
when they saw how low in the water
their craft were sitting.
Rather, they prefered to sit in the slip, sipping endless high-calorie Pina Coladas and barbecuing high-fat pieces of questionable flesh, prior to slathering it with processed condiments and wrapping it in between "guaranteed soft and tender" pieces of white bread before they stuffed it into their gaping craws.
Their proximity to the nearest Winn Dixie ensured a constant supply of bad meat, chemical drink mixes and odoriferous sunbolck.
Malnourishment had set in for the balance - brave, yet far more foolhardy folk who had actually departed from the jetty. Unable to carry sufficient provision without saying auf weidersehn to the waterline, they had basically starved at sea while making vain attempts to release their boats from irons, and then compounding the problem by attempting to sail close on the wind
in a desperate race
The US Department In Charge of Stating the Obvious has announced a new campaign targeting sailors and their associated cohorts. Tentatively titled "Friends Don't Let Friends Sail Multi's" they will be blanketing the ariwaves and printed pages with gripping, terrifying images
of the results of "Multihull Madness", in an attempt to stamp out this dangerous pastime.
Indications are that the capaign will be particularly concentrated in areas such as Florida
, where a large number of people with new money
and old bodies tend to congregate.
The Governments of China
however, have enthusiastically welcomed the publication of the research
findings. "This could serve as a key component of our unending battle against the spectre of overpopulation" said a highly-placed member
of the Chinese cabinet.
"Just think, the state could provide each of our less productive citizens with a genuine, Lagoon
36 knock-off and achieve great populairty and a thinning of the undesirables in one stroke"
Indian officials were more recalcitrant, refusing to speak on the record
, however it is likely that they believe the Indian Ocean
could be a definite asset were they to institute a program similar to China's.