Reluctant Wife

[bottomend]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

That's pretty funny - largely because it is true.

Another one - You didn't choose your parents, your siblings or your kids but you are committed to them for life. You chose your spouse so how come it is so easy to give up on that one?

There are tremendous responses on this thread. We all come from our own experiences and attitudes about this.

Having been in a bad situation for a very long time the caveat on "compromise" has to be carefully watched that it doesn't become sacrifice of one's life goals.

For OP compromise comes in some form of land based abode and sea based retirement.

Compromise is not she keeps a big house and he cuts the grass until he croaks. It is also not she chucks everything in her life away and moves onto a boat until she croaks.

Either one is fundamentally unfair.

COMPROMISE, is a key word. I sailed with a mans 2nd wife who got so scared when a steel stay snapped at the masthead{top} and fell to the deck while underway and she was sunbathing on deck . She now refuses to sail much at all unless its a harbour cruise. We were in water much calmer than the Youtube video posted. We had previously been in conditions much stormier than the posted U-tube video. There are actually Youtube videos posted that would have me donning the survival suit on the Youtube website. Anyhow the owner realized he couldnt cuddle a sailboat so his dream of sailing the seven seas is over. Some dreams you have to start out on your own like building a business and perhaps some new associates might come along to assist. Divorces are usually expensive and hard on childrens loyalties. I wouldnt let me SO see the thread the OP wrote if i was the poster. " i was set-up" hmmm ,next call could be lawyer.The joke was/is she is a great housekeeper cause she allways got my house. cheers

[vtcapo]

Originally Posted by angelfish2

This is so true!

Davie, I understand how Ann feels. When guy retires, they generally want to throw off the traces and "cast their fate to the wind". Gals usually want to spend more time seeing grandchildren and catch up on hobbies that they did not have time for while they were working.

When you guys chartered, Ann always knew she would come home. There wasn't that element of the unknown. That is exactly the way I would feel.

I suffer the same fate as far as skin cancer goes and always protect myself when I'm out in the sun with sunscreen and a hat, so it can be done. I hope you pass that along to her. In fact, my derm has said that as long as you protect yourself, especially under your nose and chin because of reflection off the water, there is no reason why you would have more of a risk of skin cancer.

My suggestion to you is to find some kind of compromise in the beginning. Perhaps going down to a place like Florida and looking for a small condo near the water, plus looking at boats would make her feel more comfortable. I don't think you have to "sell the farm", purchase a boat and sail off into the unknown right away. Doing it in stages might work for both of you.

My hubby is retired. For over 30 years, both of us have wanted to live-aboard. At first, we are going to spend the winter months on our boat (in Florida) and the summer months in the Northern Rockies, at our home. If the day comes when we both look at each other and say, "let's get out of here"....well, then we sell our home and will purchase a small condo that we can lock up and leave, in Florida. Then we will sail off to "who knows" land.

I think that if you take this thing one step at a time, all will not be lost. Don't give up hope, just talk with your sweetie...a lot.

The Florida condo idea is a possible solution to our OP's dilemma. I've seen condo’s go for 20K and less. Your house in the Rockies and sailboat in Florida idea is closer to my reality since we have a house in the mountains up in Vermont. Even in this down economy we could sell the Florida house and retire comfortably. But the house in Florida, which will be paid off at Xmas, is something too full of memories for her to give up.

After reading through this thread I have a greater understanding of where she is coming from. My suggestion of retiring to the house in VT and spending 3-4 month on a boat just brings out the worst in her. That’s NOT going to happen. It all stems from our past three experiences with sailboat ownership, which has always resulted in financial drain. Now that we can afford to own one doesn’t matter. Her negative memories are forever etched in her mind.

The fact that she is a keeper only makes my situation worse….

RT
PS BTW she keeps throwing in my face I am too old. I am 65 and my wife is 58. We are both in good health. I wonder how many cruising couples are out there still doing the “life” beyond retirement age…

[Brogan007]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

........but reading between the lines (aka making stuff up? ) I rather suspect that the real answer is worse than being scared. far worse .

She likely views being stuck on a boat 24/7 forever as a mix between root canal work. and watching paint dry. whilst living somewhere the size of a walkin closet.....take away the sun, and all that kinda loses a lot of it's attraction.

Imagine if she was proposing moving halfway up a mountain in Idaho (do they have mountains there? ), so she can live her dream of growing Lentils. 24/7. forever.............you might actually enjoy the annual vacation doing that (a few weeks or even a few months), the Lentil thing might not be quite so interesting for you as it is for her , but would be other stuff to do and the first big plus is you are doing it together . The second big plus is that you are not doing it 24/7 forever .

Perhaps not what you want to hear, but perhaps something you have to deal with. Maybe suggest a compromise of 3 or 6 months a year floating around in a boat somewhere (does not have to be somewhere hot, hot, hot)....not being 24/7 forever means the boat does not have to be so expensive. Could even look into a partnership, especially if you (her!) would prefer the less sunny months.

Well said. Sure helps to see things from the other side of the fence. Sounds like you're in the same "boat" as thousands of others re. a partnership pulling in different directions. Simple answer... Choose your poison! Damned if you do...damned if you don't. I feel for ya. I'm in the same boat.

[angelfish2]

Originally Posted by vtcapo

The Florida condo idea is a possible solution to our OP's dilemma. I've seen condo’s go for 20K and less. Your house in the Rockies and sailboat in Florida idea is closer to my reality since we have a house in the mountains up in Vermont. Even in this down economy we could sell the Florida house and retire comfortably. But the house in Florida, which will be paid off at Xmas, is something too full of memories for her to give up.

After reading through this thread I have a greater understanding of where she is coming from. My suggestion of retiring to the house in VT and spending 3-4 month on a boat just brings out the worst in her. That’s NOT going to happen. It all stems from our past three experiences with sailboat ownership, which has always resulted in financial drain. Now that we can afford to own one doesn’t matter. Her negative memories are forever etched in her mind.

The fact that she is a keeper only makes my situation worse….

RT
PS BTW she keeps throwing in my face I am too old. I am 65 and my wife is 58. We are both in good health. I wonder how many cruising couples are out there still doing the “life” beyond retirement age…

vtcapo, the very best of wishes to you guys. The only thing harder than these BIG changes is getting older. I am 64 and my hubby is 68. We are still going for it!

[sailing_jack]

Age and health are always an issue. How many stories have we all heard about the guy fixing up the boat in the backyard full of dreams. then health issue come up, and the dream gets sold. I once met a guy who started to cruise, had heart problems requiring major surgery. Sold everything, tidied up his affairs, made peace with everyone and went into the hospital not expecting to come out. We he did come out good as new, he bought a boat from some other guy who had been forced to give up the dream. Now he tells me that he sails some other guys dream on borrowed time. You won't stop him for anything.

My wife is having some issues we don't have a handle on yet. She said this morning to me that we really shouldn't wait. If her years are numbered, lets enjoy them now.

Just waiting for the last kid through university, hope we can hold on that long.

[cedarbud]

My second husband is like you. My agreement with him before we were married was that I would learn to sail with him and decide the rest later. He has forgotten that. I am afraid to sail with him on long trips for many reasons. Also, I have sailed from Duluth, MN to Cleveland, OH. It took 3 months. Every month we would dock, rent a car, and go to Dayton to check on his mother. Every month, I didn't want to get back on the boat, but did because I promised I would. It is very difficult to keep civil when there is no privacy or connection with anyone else. At least for me. Then there is MY elderly parents, children, and friends. If I were to do as he wished, I would rarely, if ever, see them again.
He has health along with other issues and I would develop them too if I were to be stuck on his 40' sailboat forever.

[sailing_jack]

Ahh, but he didn't read "Changing Course" so he could understand the woman's point of view. As you say, it is his sailboat. for a couple to enjoy this together, it has to be their sailboat. It has to feel like home to both of you. I have to work hard on this, otherwise I would build another man cave, and she would not be comfortable there.
You must be sailing in the Great Lakes! great sailing! that is where we will start while we get used to the new life. On your way back, check out the North Channel of Georgian Bay. Absolutely the most beautiful place I have been recently. We chartered there a couple of years back, Loved it.
So, talk to your hubby and explain your needs, there is a compromise.

[cedarbud]

sailing jack,
I will see if I can find this book. My solution is a condo with boat slip. Yes, we are on Lake Erie currently. I am from Lake Superior. We have been through the North channel. It is pretty, but the best cruising I've ever had was on Lake Superior. The Apostle Islands and Canadian shore (along with it's people) was, in my opinion, the best life has to offer. We chartered in Anacortes (San Juan Islands). It wasn't fun at all. Also, the salt water makes docking difficult because the boat sits higher off of the dock. I stepped off to tie the docklines and hurt my knee badly from this.
I love Lake Superior and can't imagine a more beautiful, peaceful, clean place to boat and swim (love floating on my back looking at the sky). Not to mention that there is nothing that will bite, sting, or eat me!!
We used a guide by Bonnie Dahl called Lake Superior Way. It lead us to the neatest anchorages with details on how to get in without damaging your boat. It was very accurately done.

[Charlie]

Interesting how few women's perspectives we are getting here.

[impi]

This evening brought a smile to my face ... we are anchored off Sandy Spit in the beautiful BVI's ...the sunset was stunning and rays were darting about in crystal clear water! We were invited to join friends of ours who are sailing for 1 year on a similar boat to ours. It took me back to a supper we had at their home before they left land ... wife was most definitely reluctant to take a year out sailing ... hubby was going to do it anyway and with 3 children. He sailed across with crew ... she flew across with a friend and the kids ... arrived on the boat miserable!
Eventually Hubby could not take the 'moping' and humorously said 'You will be happy' (kind of like a command) as he pointed his finger toward her ... she was not impressed.
Slowly but surely Ana and I witnessed her becoming more and more content with this lifestyle ... she was now swimming, diving and snorkeling despite vowing beforehand that she would not ... she was having a great time.
The year is running to a rapid end ... they were asking about our travels to the Pacific next year which we shared with them. Wife immediately came out with charts and a map book and was very interested in our routes etc. Hubby was nonchalant ... wife then said she loved this sailing and wanted to keep going for years to come ... hubby looked worried and a bit concerned ... she pointed a finger at him and said 'You will be happy'.
Of course we had a good chuckle at that ....
Wife was telling us she never expected she would enjoy this life as much as she is ...

We have now had this experience with two families and I feel it happening to a third we know of ....

[Albro359]

Divorce or find a girl friend...or both....the second choice would probably preminate the first anyway..

Or give it away and stay on land

Bleak but life choices are like that

BTW I have a wife that refuses to come sailing...but I go anyway

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Charlie

Interesting how few women's perspectives we are getting here.

Probably simply a reflection of the CF membership ratio. Whilst I think that the female perspective on this is very very valuable (especially those like Cedarbud's ), nonetheless the male angle of those who have dealt with the same challenges (whether involving a boat or not!) is also useful info........nothing will provide the answer for anyones own circumstances, they get to puzzle that one out themselves .


I have no proof but I suspect a fair bit of reluctance from a partner comes from not having the confidence in the Skipper that is required.....and that something they are not going to willingly share (how do you tell someone you think they are a clueless idiot? ). Could be that the Partner is wrong. Could be that they have a point..........

[vtcapo]

Originally Posted by Charlie

Interesting how few women's perspectives we are getting here.

I am convinced after reading through these posts that there is little hope in my situation. At every opportunity she mentions we have to sell THAT boat. Her past experiences we me and boats negates all possible compromise. It appears that my future concerning boating with my SO is bleak.

You wonder why there are not many female point of views, it’s because it’s a MANS world and for all intents and purposes a boat is a floating man cave. Those of you who have found a SO that can acclimate to “the life” have a rare find. Congrates! You have beaten the odds because just as men are hard wired for exploration and adventure women are hard wired to want babies and live in a SECURE NEST, even if they are well beyond child bearing age.


RT

[Azul]

I am entertained by some of the optimistic advice. As men, we always think we can find a solution to a problem. Sometimes there is no way to change a person's mind. When I used to ride a Harley with the black shirted lemmings I wore one of those ineffective skull cap non DOT helmets some people festooned with stickers like the flashy little pins on a steakhouse waitresses' blouse, my helmet had only one sticker on the back that said "Be Reasonable, Do It My Way."

Getting a woman to do something she obviously doesn't want to do through the power of persuasion reminds me of the Mel Gibson movie joke "What's the difference between a job and a wife after ten years? The job still sucks..."

[justwaiting]

Originally Posted by Azul

Getting a woman to do something she obviously doesn't want to do through the power of persuasion reminds me of the Mel Gibson movie joke ..."

Getting ANYBODY to do something they obviously don't want to do is going to be difficult, and once they have dug in the heels harder again. Its easier to lead than push, its easier to discuss than argue about an outcome and its easier to get commitment to a plan when the others involved have been part of developing the plan - thats human nature not a male/female thing.