Reluctant Wife

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Azul

A divorce lawyer friend of mine once said something I have found to be fairly true: "Most marriages are formed on the basis of a vote on four factors- the head, the heart, the front plumbing and the wallet pocket." He further stated the usual result of the vote was two to one with one abstention.

That's pretty funny - largely because it is true.

Another one - You didn't choose your parents, your siblings or your kids but you are committed to them for life. You chose your spouse so how come it is so easy to give up on that one?

There are tremendous responses on this thread. We all come from our own experiences and attitudes about this.

Having been in a bad situation for a very long time the caveat on "compromise" has to be carefully watched that it doesn't become sacrifice of one's life goals.

For OP compromise comes in some form of land based abode and sea based retirement.

Compromise is not she keeps a big house and he cuts the grass until he croaks. It is also not she chucks everything in her life away and moves onto a boat until she croaks.

Either one is fundamentally unfair.

[Steve W]

This link of a couple crossing the Atlantic in a J-boat might show her how couple and the boat can handle good days and windy days. Great video.

Crossing the Atlantic - The Windy Days - YouTube

[Bucky205]

You are doing it right with the short cruises. I learned the hard way that someone else may not necessarily share your passion for sailing.

Good Luck

[goldiphlox]

Originally Posted by tager

Marriage is pretty silly, if you think about it.

"Hey baby, we got a good thing going, why don't we get the church, the state, and the lawyers in on it?"

Lol.....good point

[In Training]

How long has it been since you last chartered in the Caribbean. Maybe she just got old. If it has been 10 or 15 years since you went there, maybe a new trip just for a vacation will remind her of how much she liked it and she will find that age doesn't make that much of a difference.

[Patience]

My advice is to Take your wife to BVI ! That's what my husband did last winter and I am passionate about sailing again. (It beats the Great lakes in October if you know what I mean. ). I have upgraded my skills and we are off to Croatia in September.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Lake-Effect

But not the sell everything, sail the world, and 100% live aboard scenario.

I think that is something to bear in mind , not just from a female (or other non-sailing / non-dreaming ) point of view ......making a one way bet is sometimes unavoidable, but doing so on something you can have no real idea if even "you" would like it forever is, IMO, at best......optimistic .

Expecting someone else to follow you off the cliff into the unknown is going to be an ask, especially if you expect them to also have no concerns.

Folks may well end up on a boat 24/7 forever (or at least until decrepitude takes over ), but a big ask from the getgo........especially if also moving into retirement, where you then get the new experiance of spending forever together, 24/7. and also less than 10 foot apart .


Anyone else noticed that is always p#ss easy to sort other people's lives out?

[Azul]

Originally Posted by Steve W

This link of a couple crossing the Atlantic in a J-boat might show her how couple and the boat can handle good days and windy days. Great video.

I think this video would make the average sig other/spouse wet their pants instead of making them want to live on a sailboat. j/k

[Davie J.]

If that video makes anyone wet their pants, they need to limit themselves to sailing small boats at home in the bath tub. I could have some comments on sailing tactics here but, suffice it to say, that kind of sailing is exhilerating, not frightening.

[LoveMyWoodie]

Would be interesting to hear the OP's "reluctant" wife's side of the story

Have you shared this thread with your lovely wife?

Takes two to get to the solution

...and sailing across the Ocean ,would make me pee my pants,jest thinking about it.

May you two find Peace.

Cheers,there is more to life than sailing.IMHO

ps-my lovely wife passed away from stage 4 M,I miss her more than I do sailing...

[justwaiting]

Originally Posted by Azul

I think this video would make the average sig other/spouse wet their pants instead of making them want to live on a sailboat. j/k

I think that what scares a lot of women when their husbands approach retirement is the reality that the "lord & master" (sic) will be at home all the time.

As a society we have relegated women to a home role while men have had the careers. Most men approaching retirement have been in supervisory or management roles for years and ceasing work takes away the authority and position that they have had. Without realising it they try and manage the house and wonder why their long suffering wives want to call an end to the marriage.


At retirement we "ask" women to give up their homes and go sailing where all too often we very much keep or hand on the wheel and give our selves the title of "captain". Most of us are selling bricks and mortar which can be replaced, but we are asking our SO to sell a home which encapsulates memories and a life time of work and can not be repurchased. This is a very big ask of anyone.

Unless the S/O is going to enjoy the same sense of freedom, challenge and personal grow that we enjoy how can we expect them to share our enthusiasm for the venture.

[LoveMyWoodie]

Two wise dogs

How come the man is usually at the helm...and the women are tending the sails?

A Woman's Love...is priceless...

A Woman's Love lyrics - YouTube

you know ,my friend,you already said,you sailed alone...never sail alone

and to add a little leviety on dark daze,without being castigated for being a cunning linguist ,figuratively and ...literally,I can sail a dozen friends boats everyday,I'm retired....but my dock on the Upper Niagara...is empty.

please ,never give up your love for a dream

[LoveMyWoodie]

Originally Posted by Davie J.

If that video makes anyone wet their pants, they need to limit themselves to sailing small boats at home in the bath tub. I could have some comments on sailing tactics here but, suffice it to say, that kind of sailing is exhilerating, not frightening.

Maybe to you and I and most people here on this forum.

Some kind loving wives may feel different,leaving their children and their families and there homes,they built from scratch.

To gamble it all on the high Seas,which at the best of-times are a 50/50 chance?

You didn't tell us yet how important she is to you and how important your kids and family ,are too?

[sailing_jack]

Great news! I showed my wife the video of crossing the Atlantic and she said, 'Looks fun to me' But she also remarked that our boat is a bit more rugged that the one in the video. When she saw the stern of that one, In the Atlantic with that? you could get washed off if you got pooped. Started telling me why ours was better for rough work etc. Also said, "you will wear a harness, not like these guys"
Sounds like she is getting mentally ready, Maybe the 'I don't cross oceans' rule may relax some.
OK, one kid left in school for another year, sell the house, get the boat ready, and see ya!

[angelfish2]

Originally Posted by justwaiting

At retirement we "ask" women to give up their homes and go sailing where all too often we very much keep or hand on the wheel and give our selves the title of "captain". Most of us are selling bricks and mortar which can be replaced, but we are asking our SO to sell a home which encapsulates memories and a life time of work and can not be repurchased. This is a very big ask of anyone.

This is so true!

Davie, I understand how Ann feels. When guy retires, they generally want to throw off the traces and "cast their fate to the wind". Gals usually want to spend more time seeing grandchildren and catch up on hobbies that they did not have time for while they were working.

When you guys chartered, Ann always knew she would come home. There wasn't that element of the unknown. That is exactly the way I would feel.

I suffer the same fate as far as skin cancer goes and always protect myself when I'm out in the sun with sunscreen and a hat, so it can be done. I hope you pass that along to her. In fact, my derm has said that as long as you protect yourself, especially under your nose and chin because of reflection off the water, there is no reason why you would have more of a risk of skin cancer.

My suggestion to you is to find some kind of compromise in the beginning. Perhaps going down to a place like Florida and looking for a small condo near the water, plus looking at boats would make her feel more comfortable. I don't think you have to "sell the farm", purchase a boat and sail off into the unknown right away. Doing it in stages might work for both of you.

My hubby is retired. For over 30 years, both of us have wanted to live-aboard. At first, we are going to spend the winter months on our boat (in Florida) and the summer months in the Northern Rockies, at our home. If the day comes when we both look at each other and say, "let's get out of here"....well, then we sell our home and will purchase a small condo that we can lock up and leave, in Florida. Then we will sail off to "who knows" land.

I think that if you take this thing one step at a time, all will not be lost. Don't give up hope, just talk with your sweetie...a lot.