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Old 03-06-2016, 06:48   #1
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Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

I've had so much fun with this, I just had to share. More input wanted. Grow the list. Hate mail welcomed.

1. If you can't figure out the NOAA weather reports and rely on Chris Parker, don't leave sight of land.

2. If you buddy-boat, get a life; one of your own.

3. If you have a wheel in your dingy, you must suffer from a learning disability: turn left to go right?

4. If you have two wheels in your cockpit, you have more money than sense. And if you had sense, you would have a tiller: simple, effective, takes no room, and tiller tenders are cheap. But then you wanted to be Captain. With a capital “C” but remember, the size of your wheel is in direct proportion to the lack of size of your ____! (Four letters; first one is “D” and the last, “K”).

5. If you worry about “best before dates” on your canned goods, you are going to save a lot of money on groceries.

6. If you pronounce CAY like O-KAY, stay in the Florida Keys and no one will notice.

7. If you're a 68 year-old fat slob and you really think that the tall slim local, 20 year-old in the skimpy black dress is in love with you; that's just sad. Sober up big guy, she's younger than your daughter.

8. If you fly the Jolly Roger, you're so cool. But still an idiot.

9. If you have to run a deck generator, go back to Florida and find someone smarter than you to figure out your electrical system.

10. If you are looking for beach volley ball, George Town is in the Exumas.

11. If you have a dog aboard, they taste like chicken. If it barks all night, don't worry. Someone will poison it for you.

12. If you can't last at anchor without someone delivering water, fuel, ice, and picking up your dirty laundry and garbage, stay at the marina in Lauderdale. Please.

13. If you think a conch is a big gooey slug and not a delicious dinner, get to know a local.

14. When you see people smile when you ask, “Is there fast internet?” please realize they think you are an idiot.

15. If you talk CB on your VHF, go back to your truck.

16. If you still have the “split-level” back home, you're not cruising. You are on vacation.

17. And come on. Please try to learn a little bit of Spanish. Here's a tip: The locals don't say “Pour Favor” (or pour-four-four, as I've heard), but they will turn away and smile; and charge you double.

18. And if you're not prepared to “go native” when it comes to the daily dinner, you are going to miss a lot of the interesting places. That suits me fine. I hang out in interesting places and won't have to listen to you complain about the beef.

19. And finally, real cruisers don't refrigerate the mayonnaise. It sits on the shelf, next to the peanut butter, where it belongs.

Man! That was fun. But please; I've done my bit... someone pick up the ball, here.
Bry
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:23   #2
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

20. If you are using wifi or cell data to post on an Internet forum, you're not a real cruiser.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:32   #3
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

A bit harsh with item-7, we allow that flying a Jolly-Roger's acceptable if there are small kids aboard; then again, I hear that they taste like chicken too?

...20. Dinghy's with sun awnings over them don't keep you any cooler and certainly don't look cool
21.Tying your dinghy to the dock with a short painter, immediately beside the ladder, or better yet with a short painter at the bow and cable lock at the stern right across the ladder is not nice.
22. Similar to point-4, the speed you can zoom your rib through the moorings, especially whilst standing up holding on to the painter, is inversely proportional to the size of you sexual organ; sail all day at 5 knots, then scream the last half-mile at 15-20kts, WTF? The beer's not going to run out ashore if you're one minute later in getting there;, well OK, I concede that that's possible in Cuba.
23. If you don't want other yachts to anchor anywhere less than 300-400' in front of yours, then go to the upwind end of the anchorage.
24. Turn the music down.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:52   #4
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Oh yah! Short painter. That's the best, and drives me nuts. Guys out here for years and don't know how to tie off the dingy with out blocking the dock. Mine is 22-feet long and just about right. Not that it matters when the guy beside you uses a 4-foot one because he's afraid to get it in his prop when he forgets to pull it on board.

Idiot! And I've been known to untie a few, so if you find you dingy in the mangroves, you know I've been around.

Bry
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:08   #5
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

If you are a crotchety fart who makes a public display of how much saltier you are than other, less-worthy people, keep away from me and my boat.
Also, display the Confederate Battle Flag or some other symbol of your grumpy sense of superiority, as a warning for me to stay away from you.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:17   #6
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Wow...nothing but hate. Truly not funny. There is nothing here that resembles humor.
Snobs are everywhere it seems. I guess you were born with a tiller in your hand and every skill you will ever need fresh out of the womb.
Maybe you could teach me a thing or two about sailing. Im sure you are much better at it than I am. But Ill stay away because its this kind of cynical attitude that sucks real joy out of life.
Chill...just chill. You will have more fun.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:27   #7
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bcripps View Post
I've had so much fun with this, I just had to share. More input wanted. Grow the list. Hate mail welcomed.

1. If you can't figure out the NOAA weather reports and rely on Chris Parker, don't leave sight of land.

2. If you buddy-boat, get a life; one of your own.

3. If you have a wheel in your dingy, you must suffer from a learning disability: turn left to go right?

4. If you have two wheels in your cockpit, you have more money than sense. And if you had sense, you would have a tiller: simple, effective, takes no room, and tiller tenders are cheap. But then you wanted to be Captain. With a capital “C” but remember, the size of your wheel is in direct proportion to the lack of size of your ____! (Four letters; first one is “D” and the last, “K”).

5. If you worry about “best before dates” on your canned goods, you are going to save a lot of money on groceries.

6. If you pronounce CAY like O-KAY, stay in the Florida Keys and no one will notice.

7. If you're a 68 year-old fat slob and you really think that the tall slim local, 20 year-old in the skimpy black dress is in love with you; that's just sad. Sober up big guy, she's younger than your daughter.

8. If you fly the Jolly Roger, you're so cool. But still an idiot.

9. If you have to run a deck generator, go back to Florida and find someone smarter than you to figure out your electrical system.

10. If you are looking for beach volley ball, George Town is in the Exumas.

11. If you have a dog aboard, they taste like chicken. If it barks all night, don't worry. Someone will poison it for you.

12. If you can't last at anchor without someone delivering water, fuel, ice, and picking up your dirty laundry and garbage, stay at the marina in Lauderdale. Please.

13. If you think a conch is a big gooey slug and not a delicious dinner, get to know a local.

14. When you see people smile when you ask, “Is there fast internet?” please realize they think you are an idiot.

15. If you talk CB on your VHF, go back to your truck.

16. If you still have the “split-level” back home, you're not cruising. You are on vacation.

17. And come on. Please try to learn a little bit of Spanish. Here's a tip: The locals don't say “Pour Favor” (or pour-four-four, as I've heard), but they will turn away and smile; and charge you double.

18. And if you're not prepared to “go native” when it comes to the daily dinner, you are going to miss a lot of the interesting places. That suits me fine. I hang out in interesting places and won't have to listen to you complain about the beef.

19. And finally, real cruisers don't refrigerate the mayonnaise. It sits on the shelf, next to the peanut butter, where it belongs.

Man! That was fun. But please; I've done my bit... someone pick up the ball, here.
Bry
"Dinghy." Someone is going to get the idea real cruisers don't bathe.... which may be true.

25. If your boat tacks through 45 degrees at anchor continuously, do something about that; man, are you going to drag, and you're hogging space.

26. You rely on either marinas or water taxi because you have no tender.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:47   #8
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Maintenance procrastination......if you don't get at it when you get to it, you won't get to it to get at it again
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:50   #9
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

If you believe NOAA when it says 15-20 knot winds and 2-3 waves, learn some basic meteorology.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:50   #10
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

I love these they are fun!

and continuing with the Dinghy dock. leave your *#$@! motor down! nobody wants your motor foot in their RIB or scratching the paint. or in their rib when boarding their dinghy.
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Old 03-06-2016, 12:47   #11
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bcripps View Post
I've had so much fun with this, I just had to share. More input wanted. Grow the list. Hate mail welcomed.

1. If you can't figure out the NOAA weather reports and rely on Chris Parker, don't leave sight of land.

2. If you buddy-boat, get a life; one of your own.

3. If you have a wheel in your dingy, you must suffer from a learning disability: turn left to go right?

4. If you have two wheels in your cockpit, you have more money than sense. And if you had sense, you would have a tiller: simple, effective, takes no room, and tiller tenders are cheap. But then you wanted to be Captain. With a capital “C” but remember, the size of your wheel is in direct proportion to the lack of size of your ____! (Four letters; first one is “D” and the last, “K”).

5. If you worry about “best before dates” on your canned goods, you are going to save a lot of money on groceries.

6. If you pronounce CAY like O-KAY, stay in the Florida Keys and no one will notice.

7. If you're a 68 year-old fat slob and you really think that the tall slim local, 20 year-old in the skimpy black dress is in love with you; that's just sad. Sober up big guy, she's younger than your daughter.

8. If you fly the Jolly Roger, you're so cool. But still an idiot.

9. If you have to run a deck generator, go back to Florida and find someone smarter than you to figure out your electrical system.

10. If you are looking for beach volley ball, George Town is in the Exumas.

11. If you have a dog aboard, they taste like chicken. If it barks all night, don't worry. Someone will poison it for you.

12. If you can't last at anchor without someone delivering water, fuel, ice, and picking up your dirty laundry and garbage, stay at the marina in Lauderdale. Please.

13. If you think a conch is a big gooey slug and not a delicious dinner, get to know a local.

14. When you see people smile when you ask, “Is there fast internet?” please realize they think you are an idiot.

15. If you talk CB on your VHF, go back to your truck.

16. If you still have the “split-level” back home, you're not cruising. You are on vacation.

17. And come on. Please try to learn a little bit of Spanish. Here's a tip: The locals don't say “Pour Favor” (or pour-four-four, as I've heard), but they will turn away and smile; and charge you double.

18. And if you're not prepared to “go native” when it comes to the daily dinner, you are going to miss a lot of the interesting places. That suits me fine. I hang out in interesting places and won't have to listen to you complain about the beef.

19. And finally, real cruisers don't refrigerate the mayonnaise. It sits on the shelf, next to the peanut butter, where it belongs.

Man! That was fun. But please; I've done my bit... someone pick up the ball, here.
Bry
Right on!
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Old 03-06-2016, 14:04   #12
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

27. If you feel the need to rant about "real cruisers" on internet forums then you definitely aren't part of the friendly boating community you so long for the loss of.
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Old 03-06-2016, 14:23   #13
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

And... if you have decided to buy a sailboat and go cruising, but the only way you can afford it is by asking for money on sites like Patreon, then please, please, please just stay home!

And yes... we know your girl looks really "hot" in that bikini but please just stay home anyway!

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Old 03-06-2016, 15:09   #14
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

I thought #21 is the fourth reason for my owning a rigging knife?
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Old 03-06-2016, 15:15   #15
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Re: Real Cruiser's Quiz: How do you stack up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorboy1 View Post
27. If you feel the need to rant about "real cruisers" on internet forums then you definitely aren't part of the friendly boating community you so long for the loss of.
BY FAR the best on the list!

PS, I do despise poor dinghy tie up etiquette.....
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