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Old 27-01-2020, 14:32   #106
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Re: One Bed, Two Dreams

Speaking as the non-cruising partner left by a long distance cruiser, I advise that it would be kinder and wiser to cut the ties before you circumnavigate. Go as a free agent without commitments.

A marriage/partnership is about support, commitment, sharing everyday events as well as love and a fulfilling sexual life. Little of that is possible if you live separate lives. From your travels, you will change as a person and your partner won't be with you on that personal journey. The risk is not that you have a new relationship with someone, it's that the old one dies a slow rotten painful death.

You want your cake and to eat it. Be honest enough to acknowledge the cost of your adventure. Yes, it would be hard for you, especially when you think of facing into the ocean with no shore support, but why be so selfish? Let your partner deal with the mourning sooner rather than later so she can stop hoping and start afresh. She isn't the one leaving.

I was left as a shore mooring for 2 years (from the date of the decision to travel to the paradise of the French Polynesia). My hope and heart was dragged around the world until eventually his conscience acknowledged he couldn't take my emotional support yet have nothing to offer back. Precious time has been wasted by me on a relationship that effective had the death keel 4 years ago once his decision was made to leave.

20 years is a longtime to know someone, but the divorce rate is already high so there are many in the same category. If your dream is so important to you, be strong enough to accept the cost.
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Old 27-01-2020, 15:35   #107
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Re: One Bed, Two Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by cats39 View Post
Speaking as the non-cruising partner left by a long distance cruiser, I advise that it would be kinder and wiser to cut the ties before you circumnavigate. Go as a free agent without commitments.
Cats, I really appreciate your perspective. And I am sorry to hear of your pain. But it seems your experience is far from universal. There have been a number of posts in this thread about "fly-in wives," in couples where the wife comes for some of the cruising but does not do the passages. Several of them said it worked great for them, and I think there is a good chance that it could work for us.

More generally, there is a trend towards married couples "living apart together" that seems to be growing and working for lots of people. You will find lots of articles on the subject if you Google it. Here is a typical one: https://www.glamour.com/story/living...gether-couples

I do want my cake and to eat it, as you say. I'm not ready to concede that this is not possible.
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Old 29-01-2020, 07:03   #108
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Re: One Bed, Two Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by cats39 View Post

20 years is a longtime to know someone, but the divorce rate is already high so there are many in the same category. If your dream is so important to you, be strong enough to accept the cost.
Welcome to CF Cats!
That really was a powerful first post![emoji4] [emoji106]
I agree with you. .....
Which is why I think it is vitally important that when you and your chosen partner decide to get on the same bus together, you both must be totally sure, it is going in the same desired direction.

For me, it is what I call..... 'The Importance of being Selfish'.

Know your chosen direction, communicate what desires are an unconditional part of who you are....
...and let the potential partner decide early on if they want to be part of that.

Unfortunately, many people allow their core dreams to be compromised at an early age..... Due to lust and other practicalities [emoji6] .

Some even fool themselves into believing they will be happy at just being the "follower" in the relationship.

They drift into a loving and comfortably relationship as a form of salve and try and invent "new dreams" as a couple. (While accumulating wealth and/or debt)

Some are successful at fooling themselves for a long time and that dream is shut away, only to resurface as hybrid obsessions from both sides.

That usually becomes the genesis of a fatal conflict in their relationship.

I admire the OP for trying to broker and manage a bucket list solution to enjoying his passion.

Just goes to prove..... We are not all the same! (Thank god) [emoji4]
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