One Bed, Two Dreams

[fatherchronica]

There is always the option of running a copy of the advertisement that Bill Tilman always ran in the newspaper. "Hand (man) wanted for long voyage in small boat. No pay, no prospects, not much pleasure". I suppose that even though he did not begin sailing until he was in his 50's that being famous writer and a war hero kept crew coming even after he began sinking his boats among ice bergs at a rate not unlike Moitessiers history of loosing boats in warmer climes. Good luck, I hope you do it.

[redhead]

Wow - you obviously picked a great subject! Interesting read all round.

We are a couple, married 25 years. My dream - to go sailing. His? He thought it was to go sailing. We rented out the house on the East Coast (US) and moved onto the boat on the West Coast. After about a year or so we had both come to the conclusion that he wasn't ready to retire. He had spent a lifetime building his business back East and didn't want to just put it down and walk away.

Our solution? He goes back twice a year for 3 months at a time. I stay on the boat, because that's where I want to be. The first few times we did this it felt dangerous, very outside the box. But I realized that I was judging our situation by what others thought of it, and that's never a good thing.

For the times he is gone, I'm at a dock in a small harbour town. I've made friends, eat whatever looks good, read a ton of books. This boat is too big to single hand, but it's crossed my mind a time or two. I just don't think I can handle 63' and that's okay too. When he's here we're out cruising.

Once I offloaded everyone else's judgement of the situation, I felt pretty good about it. I am able to manage all the systems on the boat and that gives me a good deal of satisfaction. Point is, there's only room for 2 in a marriage, so if it works for those 2, all the other opinions just don't matter.

Good luck to you!

[Greg K]

Sounds like you listed almost all of the options. None seem particularly enticing.


Perhaps it might help if you ask yourself WHY you think you have a circumnavigation in your future. Examine the nature of this desire honestly and thoroughly and you might find a better solution.


Same goes for all the folks who just have to have an Everest climb on their bucket list even if they end up being pulled up to the top by their Sherpa.

[sanibel sailor]

Originally Posted by redhead

Once I offloaded everyone else's judgement of the situation, I felt pretty good about it. Point is, there's only room for 2 in a marriage, so if it works for those 2, all the other opinions just don't matter.

Nailed it.

[AndyEss]

One of the issues that is bound to come up if you don’t sail single handed is sexuality. You might at least discuss the option of opening your marriage to acknowledge this elephant in the room. It sounds like after 20 years you have a strong relationship, you have assets, and you understand each other well. These are aspects well worth conserving, while understanding that long term separations do not allow physical intimacy all humans need.
I single hand sail some, but prefer sailing with a good female companion. A FWB situation, while each understands that there is a Significant Other at home (who is ok with a temporary liason.
I have a very wide circle of friends, and some couples function perfectly fine with open marriages (at least as far as I can tell)

[vpbarkley]

Great topic and advice. I'm in a similar situation in wanting to sail away with a terrific wife who is not a sailer, has a large (landlubber) social circle and still works. Please continue posting on this topic and thank you all.

[Cadence]

Hi Mike,
I wrestle with similar questions. However, my situation is different.


Considering you are looking at a 'quick lap' (1-3 years?) and given that you are 60, presumably in a stable relationship given the kids and age, I would think that it shouldn't be much of an issue remaining married. Especially if you plan several vacations for your wife to join you on some passages.

Sounds like sage advice.

[Katapult Mike]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

Quote "She might enjoy cursing for few days"

In my business we call that a Freudian slip.

Ha!!! That almost made coffee come out of my nose.

In answer to other posters, why do I need to do this? Gee, I don't know. I don't suppose I can put it any better than Sir Edmund Hillary: because it is there.

Does it need to be a quick Lap? No, definitely not. My first thought was to spend about half time on the boat, keep going in the same general direction, and eventually end up back in the same place. The idea of the quick Lap was that a finite voyage might be an easier sell to my wife. 15 months for a World Rally For Cruisers in not forever. And she might like the idea of a flotilla of boats around me doing the same thing. I will also say that I enjoy the ocean passages more than most people, or at least I did, when I did them Many Years Ago. So a quick Lap increases the ratio of days at sea as opposed to days lolling around in tropical "paradises." I know, I'm crazy

Also, the idea of the gradual circumnavigation was that I would keep crew on the boat. When I started thinking about the cost of doing that indefinitely, I realized that I was going to have to work very hard for some extra years or get very lucky with some investments in order to be able to finance that. Easier to finance for a limited duration of 15-24 months.

The idea of recruiting an Asian boat boy for cheap to look after the boat while I am not there is certainly interesting. I had not thought of that one.

Another possibility I have encountered in my web surfing is of doing the trip in stages, either taking the boat out of the water and leaving it on the hard while away, or in a secure berth someplace, presumably with someone looking in on it. A guy has written a book on this method, "How to Sail Around the World Part-Time": https://www.amazon.com/How-Sail-Arou...s=books&sr=1-1 Has anyone read that? Good insights?

[FabioC]

I think a "project" of this magnitude, given the constraints, requires compromises and careful thinking.
I would start with the boat, choosing one that can be reasonably single-handed, if needed, and efficiently sailed short-handed. I would not push into a 50+ footer, but would settle somewhere in the low 40 feet (maybe 44 or so), which is significantly more manageable for one person but still safe and comfortable for long passages. I would rig it for single-handing, with some comfort to help an aging body (e.g., electric winches for halyards, no running backstays, no traveler, cruising asymmetric, etc.). Also, sails of manageable sizes. Plus, water maker, generator, plenty of communication capabilities while at sea, etc.
That would open up many options. I would preferably try to find even a single crew for the challenging passages (two would be better, but since the boat is rigged for short-handed sailing, one can be enough), and go single-handed for the passages where finding crew is unsuccessful.
Then, I would carefully plan the circumnavigation, stopping in the best spots (the most benign for sailing) for enough time for the wife to join and do some easy local cruising for a couple of weeks. Then organize the next passage (solo or with temporary crew).
I think it can be done, turning this into a lifetime experience for all involved.

[sanibel sailor]

Originally Posted by AndyEss

One of the issues that is bound to come up if you don’t sail single handed is sexuality. You might at least discuss the option of opening your marriage to acknowledge this elephant in the room. It sounds like after 20 years you have a strong relationship, you have assets, and you understand each other well. These are aspects well worth conserving, while understanding that long term separations do not allow physical intimacy all humans need.
I single hand sail some, but prefer sailing with a good female companion. A FWB situation, while each understands that there is a Significant Other at home (who is ok with a temporary liason.
I have a very wide circle of friends, and some couples function perfectly fine with open marriages (at least as far as I can tell)

For my relationship at least, making this suggestion would immediately torpedo the entire idea. If it works for you and yours, great, but I imagine it would be a particularly unique couple that could tolerate this arrangement.

[softgoodsint]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

Quote "She might enjoy cursing for few days"

In my business we call that a Freudian slip.

Agree with "tkeithlu" - My take is this, at least if it was me and ex, in fact, either of my exes (with apologies to both), while "she might enjoy CRUISING for a few days, the CURSING would last a LOT longer"

[mglonnro]

We people are so very different!

I wouldn't dare to offer advice, but here are some thoughts.

For me, experiencing something WITH someone is so much better than doing it alone. So, should I feel compelled to go sailing without my wife, I would make sure it would be with someone else. I wouldn't do it alone.

Secondly, I think it's easy to grow apart when not being together in the mundane everyday. Two years later, I think there would be a big risk that continuing where we left off wouldn't happen. We might have grown into different people that still love each other and want to be with each other. Or we might have grown towards different paths.

Finally, and this is maybe my only thought directly to you: you should obviously go for it and make it happen, in one way or another. But then, a bit later down the road, if you notice you're drifting away from your wife, and that doesn't feel good, just turn the boat around and sail back to her

[FabioC]

I think the crew gender issue truly depends on the marriage...
The "prudent" (and perhaps "wise") approach is to stick to male crew or to couples, and "prefer" older crew.
There is no discrimination in that, it is simply dictated by the realities of a marriage. Why introducing a possible issue for conflict or discomfort, when it is not necessary?
I think this is a good policy even for short outings. For example, even for the beer can mid-week races, if I select crew, I try to stick to guys (of course, they can bring their significant others, if they want). For single females, especially young, only my wife can invite them, if she wants.
Life is already complicated, better avoid unnecessary complications. The fact is that a boat is a very confined environment, sometimes with unpredictable dynamics, so issue may arise even when there are none.

[hamburking]

Accept that you can't plan the whole voyage right now.

My plans fell apart when my wife of 30 years left me. We were close to retirement, and I thought we were going to cruise for a few years, at least. Now I'm looking at single handing. Its a lot of work, alone.

My plan, which I would suggest for you as well, is to get a boat I can handle alone, but that has comfortable space for guests or crew. Then when the time comes, I can see about crew for each leg...hired, friends, strangers, or none at all. My point is that you don't need to decide right now, since the boat you get would likely be the same. I do think 50 feet is a big boat, so you better have deep pockets. Be sure there are lots of bunks...not lots of cabins.

And please don't discount taking unpaid crew...people who just want to sail (young or old). Sailing isn't just about getting there by wind power...its about all the people and experiences you have along the way. Taking on crew is a great way to make new friends and share your passion for sailing.

[grandmaR]

My husband was in the Navy. I was left alone to manage for several months at a time while he was deployed. (I've always said that the first 20 years of our marriage really only counted for 10 years) It was not a problem for me, and most of the other wives because we had support from the Navy and the other wives. Your problem is not convincing your wife to come along with you. It is convincing her that she can get along with out you for long periods of time and still want to remain married to you even though she does not have the support system that I had. (Or arranging for a similar support system)



As for crew - I vote for hired crew (male).



My husband suddenly said to me that he wanted to buy a boat and go to Bermuda and the Virgin Islands. We did buy a boat. I took sailing lessons, but I refused to go out to Bermuda without crew and he didn't want crew. So we sailed down the ICW for three years (winter 2000-2001, 2001-2002 when Bob had a heart attack at an uninhabited cay in the Bahamas - We skipped a year and went again in 2003-2004). He was 64 in 2000, and I was 63.