Help! Trying to get the wife in the game.....

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by Tetepare

....................... If she wanted to live in San Francisco I'd put a bullet in my head.

Hopefully only because of the cost of housing.

Naturally, the sailing is superb!

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by btexpres85

...................I don't like to follow the herd.....

And you're going on a cruise ship why?!!!???

[btexpres85]

Originally Posted by Stu Jackson

And you're going on a cruise ship why?!!!???

Good point, but honestly it is a fairly economical way to vacation and I love the Caribbean. One of our friends got a free cruise from gambling losses and wanted us to go - but we had to pay our way. I bet our cruise cost less though, we don't gamble .

[NoahTreat]

I've been working on my wife for a year or so now and she is coming around. I've been focusing on the dream of traveling the world and seeing exotic places. And using a sailboat as a means to do that. Not sure if it's the right approach because I'm not out there cruising full-time yet. Stay tuned........

[double u]

...if you've got to "work" on her forget it!

[Sandero]

Every person is different... with their own fears and ideas of "fun" and so forth. My wife was about as landlubber as one could be... not mechanically oriented and not interested in such things. On top of that she has a bad sense of place/direction and is completely non plussed by this.... and she doesn't swim nor want to learn.

When we met I had own Shiva for about 14 years and had done lots off offshore cruising and had lived aboard as well. The idea of a boats frightened her more than excited her.

I had to start very slowly.... and get her comfortable with being on the boat... which she came to accept as our weekend get away... That idea appealed to her... more so than sailing. Within a season she was comfortable on the boat... helped with what she could do... cook, clean, watch and be wonderful company. We took short hops and even a long one to Maine... where I did the "delivery" and she took a bus up.... she didn't have that much time off... But she did sail all the way back...over 200 miles.

She loves to visit the places we sail to such as Newport... and as I've gotten older and mostly sowed all thewild sailing oats I've wanted to.... I settled into a different way of using the boat... I am more of a fair weather sailor... because that suits her. I spend lots of time messing with the boat... often alone because maybe the weather is not glorious... and that's all fine.

I probably would have been a frustrated sailor if we bought the boat together... missing my offshore cruising and living aboard. For me it's most important that my wife is comfortable and enjoying her time on / with the boat. And that has been the key to getting her "into" the boat.

[Snore]

I m not clear-

Does your wife sail? If not I recommend taking ASA classes. Ideally you want to either have an instructor that does NOT let you teach your wife, or you want to take separate classes. It is a rare marriage that can accommodate having one spouse teach the other a complex task such as sailing. This is from someone who has been married 41 years, previously ran a fairly large organization, did training and public speaking--- teaching her a clutch just didn't work. I now teach ASA and avoid having the husband 'mentor' the wife.

If your wife is a sailor and needs to get used to cruising your plan sounds solid. Yes, cats have more living space, but ... ... they are cats.

Feel free to PM if you have questions about ASA classes.

[Kenomac]

Originally Posted by double u

...if you've got to "work" on her forget it!

I agree; it really needs to be her idea too for it to work out, because there will be less than pleasant days on the water, and when it happens, you don't want your wife to just give up. You both have to be chasing the same dream.

Again, forget about the boat and sailing lessons for now, instead focus on lifestyle. I think going on a cruise is a great idea, that's what got us started. Over the past 25 years, we've been on more than twenty five cruiseship adventures, we have another one planned for this March, even though we live on our Oyster 5-6 months per year.

[double u]

"... there will be less than pleasant days on the water, and when it happens, you don't want your wife to just give up..." add: & blame YOU!

[zeehag]

ok one question for the macho man choosing HIS 50 ft boat...hahahahahahaha
did you allow your spouse to have a say in the choosing??
if not--donot EXPECT her to comply to your wishes. ha h ah ah ah a
teamwork is teamwork, MY boat has no place in a teamwork situation.
want a team?? spouse is half the team.
and they wonder why she doesnt want any part of HIS dream. he does not involve her until it is time to shove off..and he doesnt even know if she is seasick or not. ok. teamwork. hahahahaha
if you wish to involve wifee in your dream of misadventures, involve her from the initial thinking. not as an afterthought, as i have so often witnessed. respect her wishes and participation. donot overlook her in any part of the preparation even searching for the dreamboat...
best of luck with your stubborn mule of a wife.
perhaps you should allow her to have some interest in the boat..MINE just does not sound like you want her to join you.
MY boat vs OUR boat--large attitude adjustment for some males.

[LNL]

Hi, I am 53 now and this is the year we are becoming liveaboards. This started 4 years ago with a cruise I did not want to go on. During that cruise we did a catamaran day trip......that sold me! My husband has always wanted to sail around the world; but, I said no way! I get seasick on sailboats. He said he was going with or without me. We have been together since I was 18

On that catamaran we had a bumpy ride but I did not get seasick. The next year we did a week vacation on a catamaran out of Sint Maartin; again, I loved it! Then 2016 we did our ASA lessons on a catamaran in the Bahamas. Now we have sold most stuff we own and the house just got listed. We are hoping to cross the Atlantic this winter.

Oh right! in-between all that we went to boat shows and settled on a Lagoon 450S. Lots of good deals out there for Cats, you just have to do a lot of research. These were the steps that got me sold. Do not give up! Book that Catamaran day sail on one of the islands. It may just turn her like it did me!

Good luck and let me know how it goes!!

[rwidman]

If the "other half" is not sold on the idea, you need to find out why. What fears does she have, what does she think she will be missing, etc.

Once you know why, you may be able to work on her fears.

When we got our boat, my wife didn't want to go away for more than a few days at a time. What about the mail? Who will take care of the house?

Eventually, her mother got sick and passed. I pointed out to my wife that she was only a few years older than me and our time to do these things was ticking away. I also found a video (DVD) of a couple cruising the AICW and we watched it a few times.

I finally convinced her to cruise down the ICW for a month. She loved it (most of it). Now we cruise every year, up to three months in the spring and a couple of weeks in the fall.

Every person and every relationship is different of course so do what works for you.


Also, buying your boat and just spending weekends on it at a marina or overnight trips can get her used to the idea.

[zeehag]

ps....do NOT teach a LADY to sail in a dinghy. take her in a larger boat so she knows the difference.
becoming soaked and yelled at while trying to learn sailing is not conducive to learning.
charter a larger (30-35 ft) boat for a daysail with captain. both of ye can learn something. try to find a female captain for this
make it fun for her. she has a different idea of fun than do you.

[SeeMonstrEd]

Zeehag has a good point. I got my girl hooked by letter her search on the internet in boats for sail. I told her what our budget was and what my requirements were. She added her requirements and stared sending me links to all the boats she found. I patiently went through them and told her why I rejected each one. She got closer and closer. Then we went to a boat show and she got really excited. She really liked the Island Packets until she was actually on one. Then she knew why I disliked them. 2 months later she found our boat.
We bought a 50' Jeanneau that was in our budget and only need some minor refitting.

A little closer to home we were living in her house in Silver Spring MD when we bought our boat in March. We moved on the boat right away. It was rough at first but we adjusted. We kept her in Georgia while we had some work done. Then sailed her up the coast in the spring with some crew to help us. We spent the summer in Harrington Harbour in Deale MD. We went to our houses and they did not feel like home anymore. We sold both houses, most of our stuff, and never looked back. When it got cold I sailed her to St Thomas with 3 crew to help me. My girl flew down and met us. The plan was to be snowbirds. After a month in St Thomas the plan changed. We never left and love living down here. We have never been happier.

Definitely get her in some sailing lessons taught by a woman. My girl has not had her lessons yet but it would have helped sooner. She is scheduled for later this month. For example, I tried to teach her a bowline knot for days. One of our lady sailing friends taught her in 10 minutes. "Men are from Mars..."

I would recommend getting the boat as soon as you can. Get her some lessons, and get out on The Bay. It is a great training ground and close to you now. If you have never owned a big boat you have a lot to learn and the middle of the ocean is a tough place to learn.

I spent 5 years in a sailing club in Southern MD learning to sail and how to maintain sailboats. In the club we did our own maintenance. When I bought my own boat I still had tons to learn. About myself, my boat, and sailing in general. I am still learning. After sailing since I was about 7, ASA certification, and owning my own big boat for 2 years I know enough to know to not kill myself and my crew in most conditions.

The more you and your lady know the more confident you will be and the safer your lady will feel. Remember most women seek security, most men seek respect. Make her feel safe and she will make you feel respected.

If you would like to visit us in St Thomas while you are here PM me.

Capt Ed,
SV Serenity

[CarlF]

I wouldn't do the day charter. Too much risk of a bad experience (bad weather, old boat, captain she doesn't take too, bad weather). And there won't be time to get comfortable with the boat. After 50 years of sailing, it still takes me a few days to get comfortable on a boat.

One idea would be to "charter" a boat in a beautiful Caribbean harbor at the dock for drinks. Just the two of you sitting in a cockpit at sunset being served drinks and some snacks will be a nice break from the crowds of the cruise ship. If you must, let the captain motor you around the harbor. Don't go on a "sunset" sail with a bunch of drunk cruise boat passengers.

If that goes really well, you wife may ask to go back the next day for a sail. If she doesn't ask, don't suggest it. Don't rush this.

The next step would be to get a Moorings boat with a captain for a week in some place like the BVI - and yes - on a cat (even if you might end up with a monohull). You need her to like cruising before asking her to like a kind of baot. Tell the captain to take it very easy - stay at anchor some days (like real cruisers) and make the sailing days short. Too many first time charter's make their week into a miserable forced march to achieve some itinerary from the charter brochure.