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Old 21-10-2012, 12:37   #1
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HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

My husband and I were married just a couple of years ago. He has a lovely yacht, nearly 40 ft. The yacht belonged to he and his former wife, whom he divorced. I love to sail, but I am uncomfortable on the yacht. I have finally admitted this to him. It occurs to me that I am uncomfortable on the yacht, because it belonged to "her" ... we will call "her" Sue.

My husband says that Sue did not particularly like to sail and that he did all the maintenance on the boat and that she always complained about going sailing. Nonetheless, Sue and their family took trips on the yacht.

I have tried to make it my home away from home. I have "remodedeled" the yacht as much as possible. We have worked on the her: life lines, bright work, etc. and she looks nice. However, I continue to feel a "heaviness in my spirit" when I'm aboard her. Mind you, Sue is VERY mean and hateful to me. I had nothing to do with the end of their marriage, but she hates me nonetheless. I just don't want to have anything to do with anything that belonged to Sue ... and before you make the comment, my husband really never did belong to Sue

My husband wants me to "get over it" and sail with him. I want him to sell the boat or just sail without me.

PLEASE let's hear from men and women sailors alike and we will go with your opinions. It is unlikely that I will just "get over it." I have asked him to imagine the situation reversed. Before you ask .... no, we don't share a home that comes from a prior marriage. Thank you for your help!
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Old 21-10-2012, 12:47   #2
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Any chance you could change your point of view towards the boat, which might then eliminate the "heaviness in your spirit"? Mind you I don't think this is the highest path but if it works, remember that you got the husband and the boat, she lost, you won. Rename the boat "Sweet Revenge".

Or another thought, just rename the boat. There are approved, formal ceremonies for doing so and avoiding the bad luck that could come with renaming. That might make the boat more your own and remove some of the stigma.

I have to add, that from my point of view, left brained, engineer, (male?) etc, if I married and the wife brought a nice sailboat from a previous marriage I wouldn't care who or what was on the boat in the past, I would be thrilled to have the boat. But that's just me.
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Old 21-10-2012, 12:49   #3
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

If your husband rechristened your boat with a name that was related to you or the two of you as a couple would it make you feel better? Hard to not like stepping aboard a boat with "your" name on her transome...

I speak from experience ; -)

Does he have a car from "before"? do you mind riding in it?
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Old 21-10-2012, 12:50   #4
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

If she and him had kids who did (and still do?) spend time aboard maybe that is the reason for him not wanting to sell? Kids can get attached to boats and happy memories, or he simply doesn't feel able to take those away from them.......in which case I would say you get to suck it up , whilst making noises about wanting to buy a bigger / better boat .

......but if none of the above then (as you have already tried verbal communication) then IMO you have 2 options:-

1) beat him around the head with something solid - and explain why.
2) stop sailing with him - and explain why.

In your hubby's shoes I would find option 1 easier to understand .

and remember it could be worse, she could have died, the boat could have been renamed in her memory and their is a portrait of her (in wedding dress) staring out at you from the main bulkhead (albeit in this example the fella concerned is happily(?!) single ).
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Old 21-10-2012, 12:58   #5
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Maybe it's time for some therapy or marriage counseling.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:00   #6
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

You all are so wonderful and I know you all by reputation. The first two a great ideas and we have discussed these. The vessel is a federal registered vessel, so renaming is a bit of an issue, but I suppose it could be done.

There are no old vehichles or anything to remind us of her. The irony of it is that he does not like an reminders of her either and we remain good friends with my former husband, who is a good and kind person. All the children are grown and his adult child does not like to sail, because she left unhappy feelings just about every where she went.

Please keep the ideas coming. Thanks!
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:00   #7
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

I'm going to put a chip in the "get over it" bucket. You could do a lot of great things on that boat and have amazing experiences. Instead you're letting emotion, that you created, completely dominate the situation.

Apologies for the bluntness, but I don't want my point to get lost in prose.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:04   #8
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

When I moved into my husband's apartment (we were boyfriend/girlfriend then) it was into the place where he had last lived with his girlfriend. I COMPLETELY re-did the place. New paint. New furniture. New everything.

With all that, it still never felt like our "own" place. I always felt like it was hers before me.

When we bought our boat and moved on board it was the first time we had something of our own, and I LOVED it.

So, to that end, I really can understand where you are coming from. I can!

The only problem is that boats are hard to sell and it's not easy to buy something you like again. The market is much smaller than a housing market.

May I suggest that you do a clearing on it (with white sage) and do a boat re-naming instead.

Good luck!
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:04   #9
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rebel heart View Post
I'm going to put a chip in the "get over it" bucket. You could do a lot of great things on that boat and have amazing experiences. Instead you're letting emotion, that you created, completely dominate the situation.

Apologies for the bluntness, but I don't want my point to get lost in prose.


Thank you Rebel Heart, but this one is just too simple minded and does not hold water. There is too much emotional trauma here to say "get over it." However, I appreciate you weighing in on this one. You are always so good to be involved when asked to do so.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:05   #10
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

A husband who wants his wife to "get over it" is not being very loving.

A wife who wants her husband to accomodate her every desire is not being very understanding.

In between there is matrimonial bliss.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:05   #11
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Not everyone enjoys sailing or living on boats. Its not always easy to adjust even if your interested in it.

So if you two purchased a different boat together would that work. Hum... Does "Sue" still own 1/2 the boat or was it sighed over to your S.O. That would be a deal breaker for me... Sort of like moving into thier own home.. Easier sometimes if two start over with a new adventure....

Sounds like a good heart to heart talk about it. Though guys sometimes just hear bla bla bla... That's where DOJ's #1 item comes in handy.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:08   #12
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Oh boy... talk about a fine kettle of fish.

First of all, I can understand some of your feelings. Good to see you that you have been proactive in redecorating the place.

As others may tell you, boats have a special place in the hearts of their owners. I suspect that 'Sue' didn't feel that way about the boat, but your hubby did. Look at it from the perspective that she divorced the boat too, otherwise there would have been a fight for it.

As far as the issue that she was involved with the boat, perhaps turn that around, and think in terms that she was involved with your hubby also, in many different ways. That hasn't stopped you from loving him, has it?

Some issues are worth pushing. My yardstick I use is, "Will it matter tomorrow"? If it really doesn't then let it slide. If it is something that will harm you or harm your loved ones, then react. Obviously, no one can put themselves in your shoes, but try supporting your husband on this one. It will take a lot of $$$ to sell this boat, and buy another of equivalent quality, and I suspect there would be an element of resentment that would creep into your husband's feelings. I'm not sure you want that.
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:09   #13
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Charlotte View Post
When I moved into my husband's apartment (we were boyfriend/girlfriend then) it was into the place where he had last lived with his girlfriend. I COMPLETELY re-did the place. New paint. New furniture. New everything.

With all that, it still never felt like our "own" place. I always felt like it was hers before me.

When we bought our boat and moved on board it was the first time we had something of our own, and I LOVED it.

So, to that end, I really can understand where you are coming from. I can!

The only problem is that boats are hard to sell and it's not easy to buy something you like again. The market is much smaller than a housing market.

May I suggest that you do a clearing on it (with white sage) and do a boat re-naming instead.

Good luck!

Red Charlotte ... you and RH make the nicest couple. We have thought about this and who knows what the future holds. These are good suggestions. The upholstery has been done. He will not permit interior painting on the teak. I have suggested a saging ceremony just in jest, but it might be an idea. There are great ideas coming from great people just like you. Thank you all. I hope your baby is well. XO
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:09   #14
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

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Thank you Rebel Heart, but this one is just too simple minded and does not hold water. There is too much emotional trauma here to say "get over it." However, I appreciate you weighing in on this one. You are always so good to be involved when asked to do so.
It sounds like you have already made up your mind. Why ask if you know the only option that will work for you is to sell?
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Old 21-10-2012, 13:10   #15
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Re: HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

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Originally Posted by NiceBoat View Post
Red Charlotte ... you and RH make the nicest couple. We have thought about this and who knows what the future holds. These are good suggestions. The upholstery has been done. He will not permit interior painting on the teak. I have suggested a saging ceremony just in jest, but it might be an idea. There are great ideas coming from great people just like you. Thank you all. I hope your baby is well. XO
Thank you! And if you are open to keeping the boat, I'd really recommend it. It's amazing the energy that can be moved by doing those ceremonies!
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