HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

[minaret]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

Very intuitive and insightful. This issue of the teak may seem silly to some. I am quite near-sighted and I have trouble functioning in low light, so I need a brighter environment to make a "home." The darkness makes me sad and makes it difficult to function. I understand that painting the teak could detract from the value of vessel. He speaks of putting in low volatage lighting, but that doesn't happen either. I think it is just his happy place and I need to let him have it. The more I think about this and soak up the wisdom of the CF readers and posters, I think he wanted this to be ours, but he really wants me to enjoy "his" boat. Interesting.

If it would help, you might mention some techniques that make painting teak a safer move and easier and more cost effective. For interior teak only, just make sure it's well varnished (grain filled), sand it smooth without blowing through anyhwere, and then prime and brush enamel it. It can be fairly easily sanded off later down to the original varnish and re-varnished. Any interior paint work is lot's of work, but it is definitely doable without ruining the resale value completely. And doable by you. If you suggest doing all the work yourself, you may find it makes the boat more "yours" in ways other than just the color. And he may find it more appealing if you are not asking him to change the interior AND do all the work himself.

[Cruising Couple]

CF Moderator .... I think you can close this for additional replies if you like. However, I would like to keep it posted for all to read. Thanks.

[captainstubbie]

Just my 2 cents:


A. You got him, and he got you. You both win & his ex loses

B. Rename (proper procedure of course - it is fun) to something about you or you & him

[Sailorman375]

Get over it. Really. How petty can you be. I'd dump you in a heart beat if I were him.

[Nicholson58]

Originally Posted by sarafina

If your husband rechristened your boat with a name that was related to you or the two of you as a couple would it make you feel better? Hard to not like stepping aboard a boat with "your" name on her transome...

I speak from experience ; -)

Does he have a car from "before"? do you mind riding in it?

I expect HE has other "equipment" that SHE used and that you now willingly use or do you plan to get rid of that too?

I agree withthe first responder. Do a google search on renaming the boat and have a party.

[Richard5]

Minaret, yours is a very insightful post.

I have dealt firsthand, as recipient and giver, of some of what the OP mentions. Petty, in foresight and hindsight yes. But it is living breathing people in relationships...what one calls petty the other calls important. In my case if one called my feelings petty I would dismiss that opinion because it has no bearing on MY feelings.

Yes, this is quite pervasive in relationships in close quarters like the cruising community...or general avaition...or work shops on the property...or....

Having been drug through it all marriage-wise, I say a husband who will not give in more than he demands she "get over it" is being a clod. On the other hand, his capitulation to her every demand makes him weak in her eyes and she will come to manipulate him in many ways.

Each person needs to step back and answer one question: Is it worth it? A boat, no matter how classic, how lovely, is but a thing. A material thing. I have sold airplanes and boats and classic cars or even moved at great expense a commercial workshop in the cause to preserve harmony.

None of my efforts achieved that goal. It comes down to the type personaility. With some people you cannot win. So, either give it up as a lost cause or give up the person. Very unfortunately that is what it boils down to.

My suggestion to the OP is to stop dwelling on this matter. It seems like a direct frontal attack at this point and the two are well entrenched opponents in a battle in which neither has the high ground.
I further suggest the OP develop an alternate plan which may involve a pocket cruiser or race boat for day sails. You just may find that he is looking to she for the lead on this. Sometimes men get ground down by evil spirited women and needs help to become what he used to be.

If the OP were to name ONE quality about herself why he married her she should bring that to the forefront of his mind. Stop this dalliance with the material that will wrought big repercussions.

[songbird]

I am with rebel heart on this one. Just say no to 5200. Nothing is permanent especially on boats. But let's be honest, the boat is not the problem. Seek deeper to find what the real issue is. It will resolve the problem that is lingering

[avb3]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

Don .... do you sleep in the bed of your wife's former lover/husband? Just wondering

Not answering for Don, but yes, I have in past relationships. What's the big deal if it is ME in that bed, and not HIM. It is obvious who is more important, otherwise she would not be with me, right?

Material objects really don't have deep personalities, and projecting personality on them is really somewhat self destructive and not a positive at all.

I know we can get ourselves into a spiral of projection and justification for some of our thoughts and actions, but if we step back, how healthy is that?

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by Sailorman375

Get over it. Really. How petty can you be. I'd dump you in a heart beat if I were him.

You would never be so fortunate as to spend time with me.

[oldragbaggers]

There is another aspect to this. Sue didn't like the boat and she didn't like to sail. So the boat was probably a bone of contention to a degree between your husband and Sue.

Maybe one of his fondest dreams when he divorced Sue (or she divorced him) was that now he would be able to find THE woman, the one that would finally share his dream and be everything (i.e. the sailing partner) that Sue wasn't.

Along comes you. So now do you want to be everything Sue wasn't, the sailing partner he longs for, or do you want to join Sue and become another wife that makes that thing he loves, the boat, a point of contention, again.

I see this as an opportunity for you to shine, to be everything she refused to be. The sailing partner he wanted and didn't have.

A boat is a material object, albeit a beautiful and wonderful material object that people can be passionate about, but a material object nonetheless. It does not have Sue's spirit in it. And it doesn't sound from your description that she contributed any spirit to the boat except a negative one anyway.

I would love that boat. I would love sailing it. I would love the feeling that I was able to give him something that she denied him, and that I was the one that was sharing his dream.

Screw Sue. Enjoy the boat.

(And yes, I am a woman and my husband and I were both previously married, so I understand the compexities of your situation. But that is what I would do.)

[monte]

Originally Posted by Sailorman375

Get over it. Really. How petty can you be. I'd dump you in a heart beat if I were him.

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by songbird

I am with rebel heart on this one. Just say no to 5200. Nothing is permanent especially on boats. But let's be honest, the boat is not the problem. Seek deeper to find what the real issue is. It will resolve the problem that is lingering

You are so right .... the yacht is not the problem. "Sue" and her hateful spirit are the problem, and they spent too much time aboard this vessel. Sad really.

[Richard5]

Too, it may be the boat in question is the last refuge for husband. Everything else has been stipped away and he feels if only he can keep the boat AS IS he will be fine. It can be thought of as desperation on his part. No matter how it is thought of I seriously doubt he thinks of it as "their" boat (him and ex-).

[Ambler]

My advice would be to rename the boat. I have had three yachts and renamed all three. My main reason for doing so was, it was my turn to live the dream on MY boat and a big part of that was a rename and a refit of the things I didn't like about the layout. It was all done in the first year and I have sailed many miles since with my own logbook. The boats had owners before me and they kept their memories with their logbooks of their journeys.
I think your partners boat was always just his boat even though his ex had her name on the documents. So think of it that way. Perhaps you need to love him and love his boat as my new partner does. Otherwise you may be falling into the same trap as his ex and that is thinking of the boat as a piece of realestate.
You have done my step 2, now try step one.
The superstitions of name changing were based on the old windjamers that were developing bad reputations due to rotting timbers, tired rigging and poor seaworthyness. The crews were leaving as they called into ports. They were repainted and renamed usually in foreign ports, new crews joined, the ships sailed and were either wrecked or went missing. It don't believe it was ever the fault of the new name!
My yacht is an Australian registered ship, there is a simple procedure and fee to change the name or port of registry or ownership of a vessel. The official number remains the same. Contact your authority and find out what is involved.
All the best and I hope this helps you decide what will work for you.

[bob_77903]

You say you found the answer here, I think the answer was inside you before you ever posted here....

I did like the Dr. Phil comment though...sorry, couldn't help myself