HELP! Serious Poll Replies Needed - Sailboat from former marriage.

[Rocketman]

NiceBoat, you sound like a nice person, but REALLY?
1. You stated that you dislike his ex, and you now dislike his boat with his ex's name on the boat. I understand that, change the name.
2. latter you explained that you don't like the interior, and the money he is spending on a toy that he loves. Is this what is really getting at you?
3. Did you know about this boat prior to agreeing to spend your life with him? Did you tell him then that you would not sail with him on this boat because of it's history? If you did know about the boat and it's history, then you are changing the contract mid-stream, it isn't fair to him to do this. He will resent this, or at least I would.
4. Latter life marriages are not easy, each carry's baggage into it, you both have to be honest with each other about that baggage and agree to live with it prior to marrige. If you find that he was not honest about something, you might have a case, but if he has been honest and now you want to change something after the fact, this becomes your issue, not his.

[cfarrar]

Ex-Calif,

That's a creative piece that offers some perspective on NiceBoat's situation without passing judgement. Well done.

[perchance]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Sorry for th thread drift...

I divorced over two years ago. My ex was the world biggest demon and sucked all the oxygen from any room she entered. The diviorce was contentious and I lost a lot.. What I didnt lose was my boat, my therapy and the one distraction that kept me sane during this horrible period of my life. My ex didnt like the boat and didnt sail but in her mean spirited way she tried to make the boat sale part of the divorce settlement, not just for her half of the assets, but to deny me the boat. I work hard and pay my bills. I dream of finding the right woman and sailing away into the sunset at some point aft our working lives are over.

I met a woman who appears great. She is s sailor and a career person and I think I have found the one. She knew my history and knew about the boat. She also has an ex that she remains on friendly terms with. I understand that even though I have almost nothing to do with my ex. After we married things were ok but the boat soon became a serious issue. She says it reminds her of my ex and my life before and the boat must go. I am crushed. I feel I dont know this woman and she doesnt know what I went through to keep the boat.

My feeling is that people come with baggage. We all have pasts and I hid nothing of my past or my dreams. I fell like everything in my life needs to change in order to fit this woman's idea of what a marriage and relationship is about. I just think having me shohuld show that I am committed to her and that my ex is not a factor, she has mentioned things like repainting the boat and in fact painting the teak (who paints teak) - but I doubt this will solve the issue. It seems more like a control thing.

She also says the boat is a big waste of "our" money and that I should sell it. She says we can bum rides on other peoples boats for now. I am afraid if I sell I will never have a boat again. I dont trust this situation.

Now she tells me that she wont sail on the boat and if I sail I do it on my own but she is ok with it. I dont think this is healthy. Not sharing such a big part of my life starts us on the path to being separate people.

Am I crazy and should I just sell the boat?

What is that song with the line " I"ll never be your beast of burden"?
I would be very wary of anyone,Man or Woman that felt that they needed to re-order my life as though I weren't doing a good enough job on my own.

Those type of relationships can never work.

[Rocketman]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Sorry for th thread drift...

I divorced over two years ago. My ex was the world biggest demon and sucked all the oxygen from any room she entered. The diviorce was contentious and I lost a lot.. What I didnt lose was my boat, my therapy and the one distraction that kept me sane during this horrible period of my life. My ex didnt like the boat and didnt sail but in her mean spirited way she tried to make the boat sale part of the divorce settlement, not just for her half of the assets, but to deny me the boat. I work hard and pay my bills. I dream of finding the right woman and sailing away into the sunset at some point aft our working lives are over.

I met a woman who appears great. She is s sailor and a career person and I think I have found the one. She knew my history and knew about the boat. She also has an ex that she remains on friendly terms with. I understand that even though I have almost nothing to do with my ex. After we married things were ok but the boat soon became a serious issue. She says it reminds her of my ex and my life before and the boat must go. I am crushed. I feel I dont know this woman and she doesnt know what I went through to keep the boat.

My feeling is that people come with baggage. We all have pasts and I hid nothing of my past or my dreams. I fell like everything in my life needs to change in order to fit this woman's idea of what a marriage and relationship is about. I just think having me shohuld show that I am committed to her and that my ex is not a factor, she has mentioned things like repainting the boat and in fact painting the teak (who paints teak) - but I doubt this will solve the issue. It seems more like a control thing.

She also says the boat is a big waste of "our" money and that I should sell it. She says we can bum rides on other peoples boats for now. I am afraid if I sell I will never have a boat again. I dont trust this situation.

Now she tells me that she wont sail on the boat and if I sail I do it on my own but she is ok with it. I dont think this is healthy. Not sharing such a big part of my life starts us on the path to being separate people.

Am I crazy and should I just sell the boat?

You are not crazy unless you decide to sell the boat.

[shamrock]

I am married with a boat and my wife likes to be out there but frankly could take it or leave it. If it was not for me she would not have a boat. She considers it my boat and when friends ask her about it, like what kind of boat it is, her response is "ask my husband."

I on the other hand know every inch of the boat and have done every bit of maintenance and many hours of blood sweat and tears as others can relate to. My wife does not really identify with the boat, I do. I would be very sorry to see her go (both of them!)

I hope this can offer some emotional relief, and perhaps you can think about the boat being his, not theirs.

[cheoah]

Does sound like there's more to this, than her, and I hope that you can find some way to make it work. Some of the people posting may not have their significant others sail with them for a variety of reasons -- not that uncommon.

Does it really make him happy? Love is at least partly about wanting someone to be happy. My wife likes sailing marginally. She loves a quiet calm anchorage, nice long walks on the beach, and not having to keep house. I basically singlehand the boat while she does whatever she wants. I try to plan trips around what SHE wants to do, and forget about what I want. Then I go singlehanding offshore and take solo cruises for weeks at a time, where she would be vomiting, or bored stiff while I do ships business. This is the sailing I love: days on end under sail, catching mahi, night watches, etc. But it can be brutal sometimes, and so I do not know how she will fit in to future passagemaking.

Do you get to do some stuff you really enjoy while out sailing? CAn you add a bunch of interior lights and make it more cheerful? Rename it and burn sage like Zee says, in the spirit of supporting his passion?

It will take time to make happy memories on the boat, but perhaps you can focus on some stuff that would make you happy while out cruising. Or maybe you don't cruise, but hang out at the dock. I don't recall how you like to use the boat.

Is he an ass sometimes on board? I am. Not too bad, little stuff, like I got mad when she would not take the helm when I had to go to the head once really bad, because the upcoming bridge scared her. Upcoming bridge like a mile away. Now I just see she gets scared, so I go back to the singlehanding thing and don;t factor her in as a crew resource. Not the way I would wish it to be, but it is important to me that she joins sometimes, and I make the best of it. I try really hard to be flexible, on a ship that I have a very strong connection with, and don't feel real casual about overall. She picks technical stuff up over time -- like she's up to what I picked up in a weekend after 7 years, but I just don't expect her to be a sailor, just a companion. Nevertheless, she makes huge contributions while along in the way of snacks/meals, helming, weighing anchor, docking, cheering me on while I dive on the prop, etc. What she contributes professionally in other areas of our lives is way beyond what I'll ever be capable of.

Try to focus on the positive, make your own weather, and hopefully you can make it work. If he really likes passagemaking then you could visit some really sweet places.

[Andrew Troup]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

.... the yacht is not the problem. "Sue" and her hateful spirit are the problem, and they spent too much time aboard this vessel. Sad really.

I strayed into this thread by accident and I'm completely out of my element.

However this comment caught my eye, and I wonder if anyone who is following this was reminded, like me, of the central premise of "Lord of the Flies"

as Golding (with what seemed to me uncharacteristically heavy handedness) laid on most thickly in the apparent conversation between Simon and the LOTF.

[boatsail]

Originally Posted by oldragbaggers

There is another aspect to this. Sue didn't like the boat and she didn't like to sail. So the boat was probably a bone of contention to a degree between your husband and Sue.

Maybe one of his fondest dreams when he divorced Sue (or she divorced him) was that now he would be able to find THE woman, the one that would finally share his dream and be everything (i.e. the sailing partner) that Sue wasn't.

Along comes you. So now do you want to be everything Sue wasn't, the sailing partner he longs for, or do you want to join Sue and become another wife that makes that thing he loves, the boat, a point of contention, again.

I see this as an opportunity for you to shine, to be everything she refused to be. The sailing partner he wanted and didn't have.

A boat is a material object, albeit a beautiful and wonderful material object that people can be passionate about, but a material object nonetheless. It does not have Sue's spirit in it. And it doesn't sound from your description that she contributed any spirit to the boat except a negative one anyway.

I would love that boat. I would love sailing it. I would love the feeling that I was able to give him something that she denied him, and that I was the one that was sharing his dream.

Screw Sue. Enjoy the boat.

(And yes, I am a woman and my husband and I were both previously married, so I understand the compexities of your situation. But that is what I would do.)

Great post

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by oldragbaggers

There is another aspect to this. Sue didn't like the boat and she didn't like to sail. So the boat was probably a bone of contention to a degree between your husband and Sue.

Maybe one of his fondest dreams when he divorced Sue (or she divorced him) was that now he would be able to find THE woman, the one that would finally share his dream and be everything (i.e. the sailing partner) that Sue wasn't.

Along comes you. So now do you want to be everything Sue wasn't, the sailing partner he longs for, or do you want to join Sue and become another wife that makes that thing he loves, the boat, a point of contention, again.

I see this as an opportunity for you to shine, to be everything she refused to be. The sailing partner he wanted and didn't have.

A boat is a material object, albeit a beautiful and wonderful material object that people can be passionate about, but a material object nonetheless. It does not have Sue's spirit in it. And it doesn't sound from your description that she contributed any spirit to the boat except a negative one anyway.

I would love that boat. I would love sailing it. I would love the feeling that I was able to give him something that she denied him, and that I was the one that was sharing his dream.

Screw Sue. Enjoy the boat.

The best advice of the lot Becky!

Niceboat, can I ask why you didn't raise all these issues before become seriously involved with your husband? He must have introduced you to the boat quite early in the relationship if it means so much to him and if you dislike the boat so strongly why wait so long to voice these opinions?

How would you feel if you had a hobby you absolutely loved, and for years you lavished time and money on it (and in this case the hobby is this particular boat as much as it is sailing in general) and suddenly your husband announced he really didn't like it and wanted you to give it up? I am sorry, but it just doesn't seem fair to me.

Although I love cheerful light interiors I shudder thinking about ruining a beautiful teak interior in a classic boat and painting it white.

I second what so many people have said. Rename the boat together if he is agreeable, put your own stamp on it by brightening up the interior with light slip covers and cushions and bed linen etc and just enjoy your time on it together. You are so very lucky to not only have a husband you love, but one with a 40 foot yacht as well!

[minaret]

A new headliner can often do a whole lot to lighten up a dark boat as well, especially in conjunction with more lighting. White headliner reflects more light at night and is brighter in the day. LED rope lights for mood lighting help a lot too.

[Cruising Couple]

There is much speculation here, so I'll attempt to clear it up. I am the OP.

1. I love to sail...really sail: crew, cook, take the helm, put up sails, reef the main, repair the boat, cover watch, chart a course, work with immigration authorities, whatever I have to do. I've done the big crossings, I've proven myself!

2. I love my husband and the boat was his when I married him.

3. "Sue" fought for the boat in the divorce and she did that to get her assets increase, because she would have used the boat for firewood. The boat is not named after her, but she helped name it.

4. She did not like to sail, but she did and her presence on the boat may require and exorcism.

5. Yes, my husband had other "equipment" that she used on occasion also, but that was with coercion too.

6. I don't give ultimatums. The boat is his and he can spend our money however he chooses. We can afford the boat and we can afford another. He wants to keep it. Okay, keep it. I simply wanted to see if anyone could see how I might feel emotionally upset on the boat. I suffer with motion sickness and I think it is worsened by the emotional aspect tied to the boat. I just wanted us to have "our" boat.

7. I'm sorry I asked. I feel worse now than I did before.

8. Moderator, please close the thread. THE END.

[Carlisle Spirit]

Originally Posted by cfarrar

Ex-Calif,

That's a creative piece that offers some perspective on NiceBoat's situation without passing judgement. Well done.

+1

Ex-Calif nailed it nicely

$150/hr for some professional help is looking like a great choice here...

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass

The best advice of the lot Becky!

Niceboat, can I ask why you didn't raise all these issues before become seriously involved with your husband? He must have introduced you to the boat quite early in the relationship if it means so much to him and if you dislike the boat so strongly why wait so long to voice these opinions?

How would you feel if you had a hobby you absolutely loved, and for years you lavished time and money on it (and in this case the hobby is this particular boat as much as it is sailing in general) and suddenly your husband announced he really didn't like it and wanted you to give it up? I am sorry, but it just doesn't seem fair to me.

Although I love cheerful light interiors I shudder thinking about ruining a beautiful teak interior in a classic boat and painting it white.

I second what so many people have said. Rename the boat together if he is agreeable, put your own stamp on it by brightening up the interior with light slip covers and cushions and bed linen etc and just enjoy your time on it together. You are so very lucky to not only have a husband you love, but one with a 40 foot yacht as well!

Thank you Becky and Seaworthy Lass!

I've been sick on the boat from Day One ... In the marina! I thought it was just motion sickness. Sadly, it is more than that and it took me a while to admit it to myself and even longer to tell him.

[minaret]

Originally Posted by NiceBoat

7. I'm sorry I asked. I feel worse now than I did before.

It peeves me that some of you caused this thread to end this way.

[xymotic]

Sounds to me like you should be thankful because that boat came between he and the Ex, and it's because of that boat that you found him!

And if you like boats, like sailing but just don't like that boat I'd say get over it too. If you make him sell it and buy something else there's nothing down that path but resentment. OTOH, if there are actual reasons why you dislike it, that's something else. I picked out my last boat, it was nice but honestly I never really liked it.

My current boat, is NOT nice. It's a dumpy turd, and I am madly in love with it. :-)

But seriously, there are reasons why I grew to dislike the old boat, and resons why the new one is better (for me)