First of all, I have been there twice now in that panic space, although this time I feel a little bit better equiped since I have gotten through it once before when I took off in a 27 foot RV with my husband to Florida
. At the time, we were not married and we had some work to do which was in the Marine
Industry and we decided to take an adventure. Of course we were much less established in the world, no children
, no house, just us and the wide-open road.
One week before we left I had a total meltdown. We were sitting in this restaurant and I began to hyperventilate...it was scary and horrible and didn't really feel like it was directly caused by anxiety of going on this adventure but it was. We were in Baltimore
that day and my husband suggested we go to the zoo, so we did and had the most incredible time at 2 p.m. on a weekday. There was hardly anyone there and I got to come face to face with a giraffe when he leaned down and looked me in the eye. I was able to come back down to ground and felt better.
We ended up going and it was the best four months of our lives in many ways. My husband was doing what he loved business-wise, photography
, and we were living near his Mom and Sister so we got to spend quality time with each other and them. There were adventures like when his back went out on the way to Key West
and I got to drive the RV for the first time down Alligator Alley and the refridge door swung open deposited a jumbo glass jar of relish above his head
which smashed, and I had to get off the road, we were at an angle going about 45 miles per hour with no shoulder, just a drop off...thought we were going to flip, but we didn't. ;0)
Flash forward to now...my husband started down the road of potentially cruising three years ago in his mind. It has been one long process to today...I have had my moments where I have really questioned if what we are doing at this time in our lives is the best thing...we are in our early 40s...My emotions have run the gammet of anticipation and excitement - to anger and resentment. I have had some scary health
problems which I think I have kicked to the curb...but there is that nagging 'what if'..., I have had the pressures of society and people around me judge (although that really doesn't bother or influence me), I have the fear of being out in the big, big Ocean and worry that I may not be self-sufficient enough. I have 'What If' myself to the point of nauseum...
Did I mention I have been sailing since I was five years old and when I was 21 I wrote in my journal that I dreamed of sailing across the Atlantic?!?
The big joke in the last few weeks as I have been hitting it into high gear
and organizing for a yard sale
and giving away three quarters of my wardrobe has been, "When are we going to the Zoo????"
So I have decided to do this thing....but it was not without reservation, and being a wash in an identity crisis as to 'Who am I, and What do I want???" without the influence of my very persuasive, but loving husband who is all but obsessed with cruising.
I am not a Cruiser yet...I was a racer
...but I do love being on the water
...I especially love falling asleep to the water
lapping on the hull
, and the morning sunrise with my coffee in hand...nothing better...and I do Love my husband dearly, and I have a feeling this is going to be another 'Banner Experience' (our RV was a 'Banner')
I guess all I can say FreeWilly is that there are a lot of pressures and push-pulls at work here and amidst other's dreams, and the anxiety of selling a house, you need to ask yourself some hard questions...Is this your Dream? If it isn't at the moment, do you think it could be one day? Are your feelings of anxiety and panic a product of Fear, and if you decide not to go will there be regrets? Will you always wonder 'If'? What would your life look like if you didn't go? What goals do you have for yourself in the coming years?, Would cruising complement your goals, or detract, or simply just delay them?
A suggestion someone gave to me when I was talking about my fears was to get a notebook and write them down and then research
how to put that fear to rest, how to find solutions that would empower me to then no longer be fearful...I haven't started but it sounds like a good plan...
I started packing boxes today on my own of the things that I can't part with. I haven't had to pack myself for a move since 1994 and well it is getting very real. An agent is coming over to our house next Monday, and well, lets just say I will probably be ready for a trip to the Zoo by Wednesday morning ;0)
I guess the two things I think are most important is to not do this simply because it is another's dream, because if it isn't yours and you are out there changing your entire lifestyle and resenting it - well, it won't be fun for either of you...Fear though is a huge De-motivator...and well it is normal to be fearful. I have sailed on fifty footers in fourty knots of wind
when I raced and when I was twenty I thought that was Fun! However get me out on the Ocean at the moment and well, I get a bit freaked...but I have decided it was my dream at one point, and while my husband was seemingly pushing me in the cruising direction, at some point I started hearing the Ocean calling my name...
So listen real carefully and maybe you will hear her call your name too, and if not that is alright too...but don't forget about yourself, your dreams, and your needs...
Good luck and keep me posted on your decision....