All On Board?

[NotJustDreaming]

I have read alot of boat stuff in the last several months. A very frequent piece of sage advice I come across it to not make someone go cruising who does not want to go. I did not give it much thought until recently.

We have a seven year plan... I always say 'we' but it is really 'I'. My three children, ages two, seven and eight are on board with this (well the youngest has got no idea and really the two older kids don't either - they think it sounds exciting and just want to be with Mom). My husband says he is onboard.

My husband says he is onboard. Period.

That's it. He doesn't do anything else. He doesn't pore over sail plans and layouts (except when I leave them in the bathroom so he'll pay attention). He doesn't care about the differences between a monohull and multihull. Or the advantages of a steel hull over a fibreglass hull. Or that boats could be made of wood or aluminum or ferrocement too. He nods when I talk about what I think is the type of boat that we should get or that I can't decide between galley-up or down. If I asked him what my favourite catamaran is so far I would not bet money that he could answer correctly....

I don't generally give his indifference much thought. He's pretty laid back and generally goes with the flow and he is just not a long term planner. When I plan our semi annual holidays, I do all the planning and research. Once it is booked, I give him a stack of info on our destination and accomodations and potential excursions and then I marvel at how he must feel as we disembark the plane or enter the lobby or walk on the beach and he is seeing it for the very first time having no idea what he is getting himself into (because he hasn't looked at a thing I gave him). Countless times I have heard him praise a beach or view or architecture like he was transported by laser beam and is surprised he is there. It's not frustrating or aggravating, just perplexing. I'm surprised he can put 100% trust in someone elses planning. It is akin to pulling a travel itinerary from a hat and saying I'll go with that one without looking at it.

Sometimes I find it stressful though. Although I have never heard him complain I do have some anxiety that all travel choices fall on me. If I make poor decisions we all have to live through them. I know it is not that bad... what difference does it really make that I should have chosen the hotel down the street.

However, buying the right catamaran, deciding to live in a much smaller space for several years, homeshcooling our kids on a boat, travelling to foreign countries and crossing oceans is HUGE. I'd like a little input.

When I pointed out these observations to my husband he told me he is onboard with this whole plan but ... maybe we should try living aboard a sailboat first and see if we like it.

Always so practical. But talk about knocking the wind out of my sails.

(We ('I') have finally booked our first liveaboard course... 30 January, 7 nights, BVI.)

[ColdFusion]

All I can say is that your husband is one lucky man!

[Charlie]

NJD:

Some of us have the exact same problem just a different gender. I don't know what the answer is. If I make all the decisions I am overbearing. If I don't make the decisions they don't get made or nothing happens. So what is the answer. I know the problems 1) The weight of decisiopn making is on one person, 2) A person who gets no input from others can't take into account their views, and 3) The decison maker feels isolated.

[NotJustDreaming]

Originally Posted by ColdFusion

All I can say is that your husband is one lucky man!

Yeah, I know. Fresh reading material in the loo is one of life's great pleasures.

[imagine2frolic]

NJD,

Maybe your husband being away in the military has become use to your decisions? Maybe he has such great confidence in your decisions he just leaves it up to you? Maybe this is a wonderful blessing in disguise? You can choose anything you want, get what YOU want, and you yourself says he never complains! I don't understand your issue! You are one lucky person!........i2f

[NotJustDreaming]

Originally Posted by imagine2frolic

NJD,

Maybe your husband being away in the military has become use to your decisions? Maybe he has such great confidence in your decisions he just leaves it up to you? Maybe this is a wonderful blessing in disguise? You can choose anything you want, get what YOU want, and you yourself says he never complains! I don't understand your issue! You are one lucky person!........i2f

NEVER thought of it that way. I'm going to run with this!

[Aussiesuede]

Originally Posted by Charlie

NJD:

Some of us have the exact same problem just a different gender. I don't know what the answer is. If I make all the decisions I am overbearing. If I don't make the decisions they don't get made or nothing happens. So what is the answer.

I know the problems:

1) The weight of decision making is on one person,

2) A person who gets no input from others can't take into account their views, and

3) The decision maker feels isolated.

When I was a younger lad, I use to worry about this. I hated that feeling of being blamed if everything didn't turn out perfectly. Over the years, I've grown comfortable with asking for input on practically everything, but being very clear that the time for input is when asked - NOT after the fact when things turn out poorly. But I geniunely don't mind being the decision maker, regardless of how things turn out.

Anytime anyone gives me input, I tell them what my concerns are but that I'll go along with their choice if they prefer. I'll NEVER place blame on someone for what turns out to be a poor decision. In fact, I'm usually found to be in quite a good mood when things turn out as poorly as I anticipated they might. I won't go along with decisions that are likely to put us in harms way, but all others I'm quite willing to go along with. Hell, often I'll prepare for what I see as the obvious poor outcome just so we're not sent too far askew.

Over time, I find that when I ask for input - I get a response of "Just do what You think is best." I still always ask for the input, but I know that the decision will be placed at my feet. I personally prefer it that way. It's the same with both my girlfriend and my friends. Nine times out of ten if the decision is left to me things generally turn out well - and when it does not, everyone get's to have a good laugh at me; and EVERYONE loves that! lol

I think it works because most know that it's no competition with me. I've an unusually large breadth of experience and that just gives me a bigger pool of experience to draw upon in most circumstances. When I get into areas where I have no experience - then I'm VERY quick to admit my ignorance. I think that's the key - that others don't receive you as some know-it-all control freak.

At some point in a relationship, I'll usually discuss with folks if they've any latent problems with my making the decisions most of the time. More often than not, folks seem to prefer it. That's the advice I'd give to the OP re: her hubby. Just ask him if he's truly as comfortable with her making the decisions as often as she does. I think she'll be happy with the answer he provides. In any event, such a discussion brings peace of mind...

[NotJustDreaming]

AussieSuede... fabulous advice. I wish I had a lot more experience with sailing behind me.

Making sure he is okay with me making all the decisions is something I was sure of and reconciled myself with years ago. He appreciates it and I like it (most times). It doesn't keep me from being uncomfortable with the big ones or uncertain they are the right ones though.

I promise that in the future I will give credit to all who gave wonderful advice in these early years and that I won't quote anyone if in our first year, after I pack all of us up to live on boat, it turns out to be a disaster, and I end up divorced and semi-destitute.

Who knows? Talbot and I may soulmates after all .... at least he sounds like one. The tides will tell.

[ColdFusion]

Talbot? [spits on floor]

[NotJustDreaming]

Ha! I was worried I would offend Talbot by writing that last post. I have dial up (all extra goes to kitty) so I don't have the leisure of browsing much. I just now see your profile. Funny because I also just discovered that I could find out more about you guys. Talbot responded to my last post and I clicked on his name.

Maybe you should find a spitoon.

[ColdFusion]

Talbot and myself hail from the darkside. Nothing you could say would offend us

[capcook]

Originally Posted by ColdFusion

All I can say is that your husband is one lucky man!

I and probably just about every other guy was thinking the same thing !!

You go girl !

[barnakiel]

Solution one - go cruising, with your 4 children.
Solution two - go cruising alone, while your husband raises your 3 children.
Solution three - let your family participate in decisions on what the family will do in the future - one person = one vote, then count the votes and leave opt-out options for those who do not want to go cruising.

b.

[capcook]

NJD... being from Ottawa you must be familar with the story of the Stuemer family cruise...if not, you should get ahold of the book "The Voyage of Northern Magic".... an eye opener for sure....

cheers

[Boracay]

Sometimes I feel that my wife is a little the same. happy to go along with the plans, but planning to bail at the first rough patch.

So, my #1 planning objective is to avoid the rough patches. So far, a few have snuck up on us and managing them has both given us confidence and made us more cautious.

The other surprise has been just how important what, to me, is a very minor decision has on how we both feel about the boat.

The current example is the TV. The Admiral insisted. It sort of is like curling up in front of a warm fire to have a TV on a boat. Good call on her part.

So, I guess my suggestion is to listen very carefully to want your Husband (and children) is saying. Your worry is that he might not want to go cruising. He might be worrying about missing his favourite TV show...